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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,119 Views)
beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A young man about 25 years old met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for about 50, so they drank and talked a little while.

Then she asked if he'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter at the same time. The young man said no but he had thought about it.

So they drank a bit more. She then says that tonight was the young man's lucky night. They went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, are you still awake?"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
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RJ Tucker
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Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should consider yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us off altogether!"

:blink:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A politician, a reporter and an British Soldier were captured by Daesh, and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the internationale" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found, and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions, so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the soldier profusely, but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics. "Well", says the soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
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RJ Tucker
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It's funny because, regretfully, it's all too true.

:angry:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
It is over here, bloody ambulance chasers should be done for treason.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Some bad! jokes but they made me smile.

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crκpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

Oh come on, I did say they were bad. :rolf
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Really, ya' Olde Farte, really? I'll show you what a "bad" joke looks like:

ISIS wine critics are always shouting "Curse the Zinfandels!"


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FIGHTS ON!
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
useful for the next IPMS show lol


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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ, no fight as I don't feel well............................

I love the 2 above.
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