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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,118 Views)
TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
The other day I noticed my blonde neigbour checking her mailbox five times within two hours.

I finally asked her if she was expecting an important letter.

"No," she said, "but my computer keeps telling me "You've got mail!""
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.

She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

Her husband replied,"Do you think he'd mind?!"

:wicked
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?!!"

:angry:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Lovely selection. Now try these.

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta Love Grandmas

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

BIOLOGY EXAM:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then point at your watch and say times up?


A RIDE IN THE TAXI

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another inmate asked, "How do you know?" "God told me!"

A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "I did not!"

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
lol
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf

The Last Will


Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter,and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the tightwad had a paper route!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
How to get to Heaven from Ireland:



A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious culture, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?



AND THERE'S NOTHIN' SO CHARMIN' AS A WEE TOT WITH AN IRISH BROGUE.
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