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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,115 Views)
RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
How many NATO members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.


(Yeah, been there, done that; got my NATO Tee-shirt.) :whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Some history to add a modicum of elegance & sophistication to the site.

Quote:
 
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key.

-- Oldest known English joke, 10th century



:uk
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Nikon User
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When a Heathrow baggage handler appeared in court and was found guilty of stealing luggage, it came as no surprise when his solicitor asked for another 3500 cases to be taken into account...
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh!.....................................
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Dedicated to all Grand Parents out there. Hmmm, I wonder if ours think this of us as being retarded instead of retired..

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

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RJ Tucker
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Dolphins are the smartest animals on planet Earth.

In less than 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

:cool
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Nikon User
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Beware of Alphabet Grenades!!!










(They could spell disaster)
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Doug hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF!, she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING.'
________________________________________________________________________________________

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN". SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
Edited by Olde Farte, Feb 4 2016, 11:49 AM.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.

"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.

"I certainly did."

"And............."

"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Sounds like my house with SWMBO being the officer.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
____________________________________________________________________________________

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist's and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. “We'll have a new one."
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
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Ask your mom.
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