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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,114 Views) | |
| beowulf | Feb 6 2016, 01:05 AM Post #1051 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| mrvr6 | Feb 6 2016, 10:40 AM Post #1052 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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haha |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 6 2016, 11:17 AM Post #1053 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!" __________________________________________________________________________________ Late Night Phone Call To The Vet A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, so she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied. Edited by Olde Farte, Feb 6 2016, 11:21 AM.
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| Olde Farte | Feb 6 2016, 01:22 PM Post #1054 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers." so he calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
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| Nikon User | Feb 6 2016, 09:09 PM Post #1055 |
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"BEAVER"
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I went for a walk in the country. It was a beautiful day with almost unlimited visibility and just a few light, fluffy clouds to be seen. Having travelled about four miles, I stopped to take a boot off and adjust my sock, and then continued along my chosen footpath when I'd sorted out my laces. Along the way, I passed by a few people, some out walking with their dogs. Saying "Hello" and exchanging pleasantries with them was nice, but I really needed to make progress. I crossed over some stiles in a series of fields and was surprised that there were cows and some sheep which approached me as if to greet me in a very friendly manner. Some of the upward slopes were a bit hard on the old leg muscles but the downhill sections made it all worthwhile. Consulting my map and compass, I realised that deviating from the marked path by a couple of miles would make my journey much more pleasurable, so off I went across unfamiliar countryside.....Oh, I'm sorry for going on a bit; I just realised that I'm rambling. |
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 6 2016, 09:31 PM Post #1056 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side. ************************************* I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine. ************************************* Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken. ************************************************************* I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it. ******************************************* What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home." ***************************************************** A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less than his wife. ![]() Edited by RJ Tucker, Feb 7 2016, 11:29 AM.
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 8 2016, 09:55 PM Post #1057 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again. Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened." Doctor: "See how gargling helps keep your mouth shut!"
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| Olde Farte | Feb 9 2016, 11:56 AM Post #1058 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Me likey............. |
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| beowulf | Feb 9 2016, 05:01 PM Post #1059 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| beowulf | Feb 9 2016, 05:02 PM Post #1060 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 10 2016, 02:04 AM Post #1061 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? Cheez Whuz. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 10 2016, 09:06 AM Post #1062 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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'er, what's Cheez Whizz? |
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 10 2016, 12:40 PM Post #1063 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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It's "process cheese food" & yes, it's just as disgusting as it sounds. More than you really want to know here: Cheez Whiz ![]() |
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| beowulf | Feb 10 2016, 08:50 PM Post #1064 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Olde Farte | Feb 11 2016, 12:33 PM Post #1065 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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RJ that really looks gruesome................... Paul, I thought that was the Navy entrance exam............ |
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