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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,112 Views)
Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf Love them!
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model.

"You crafty old devil," says his friend. "How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?"

"Easy," replies the millionaire. "I told her I was 95."

:wicked
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Paul, coffee tastes far better with a touch of paint thinners in it and something I am always doing. :rolf :whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
How do you know you're at a bulimic's birthday party?

The cake jumps out of the girl!


Posted Image
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A knight walked into a blacksmith's shop.

The blacksmith said: "You've got mail."


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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Obituary in 'Yorkshire Post' Newspaper

The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.

The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published.

But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?! You've got to be joking!!” He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.

“I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk.

“Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "Gladys Braithwaite died."

“You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office.

“Do I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.”

“OK," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”

The husband considered for a moment. “Well," he said, "just include Sadly missed. That'll do.” “For the minimum price, you can have another four words included,” the woman explained.

“No, no,” the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that."

“You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.”

“Are they? You mean ... I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?”

“Yes, indeed, Mr Ramsbottom.”

“Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em.”

The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post.

Gladys Ramsbottom died 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
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RJ Tucker
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Puts indoor plumbing in perspective doesn't it?

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag ourantique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man... "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
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Jonesy113
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Nick 'Token' Jones
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

Just read the last 3 pages, made my morning :grin:
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RJ Tucker
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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' I gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket.

"Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door.

"Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he crapped my pants, too."



:ohmy
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

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I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.

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Women are looking for Mr. Right. Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.

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What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

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I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day.

That seems like a strange place to put a call center.

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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . ."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many. The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
My wife started eating the sofa....







She has a suite tooth.
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RJ Tucker
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What's a polygon?

A dead parrot.


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