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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,111 Views)
tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.!) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executiveHaisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Should I Really Join Facebook or Twitter now? (This is priceless)

Whoever wrote this is hilarious . . . and it’s really quite true for people in the over-60 age group!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage next to the race car.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."




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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat and she almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' as she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.

"Mama!", little Billy shouts, "this monkey looks like our neighbor, Mr. Danny."

" Billy!", it's not polite to talk like that!

"Why? The chimpanzee doesn't understand."


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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Irish Toast

At last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law' with a wonderful Irish explanation.

Paddy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Paddy. "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle.... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Paddy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle', because they think Paddy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
If you get the following, you really, really, need a girl friend! :blink:

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
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A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely @#$%-up now".
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The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
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Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
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My WiFi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill.
How irresponsible people are.
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Error, no keyboard.
Press F1 to continue.
*******************************************************
A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife, "Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!"
"What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?"
" No, restart the router, please!"



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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Two pirates are walking down the road and the one says, "Thats a lovely pair of earrings, how much did you pay for them?" "Two bucks ", the other replies "not bad for a buccaneer............. "
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman. "Officer," he said, "what's going on?" "You're under arrest," said the policeman. "But why?" he asked. The policeman replied, "For transporting under age gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Teacher: "Did you father help your with your homework?"

Student: "No, he did it all by himself."


:WHIP
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
We do have some weird people on this forum, keep 'em coming though as I love 'em. Buccaneers and sedate lions indeed, whatever next.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A Nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the f--king putt, didn’t you?”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork. I thought, can't argue with that!
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When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
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I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
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I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.
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If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!
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Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!
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I've swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof!
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
**************************************************************
Edited by Olde Farte, Mar 2 2016, 11:27 AM.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf Fantastic Del. Especially the last one.
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
back on form there lol
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

One day when they were having a heat wave, Jack went outside with his beer, set up his lawn chair to sit in the sun, and watched his wife cut the grass.

The woman next door saw him sitting there sipping a cold beer while the Misses struggled to push the mover.

Outraged, she stormed right over to Jack & shouted, "You sit and swill beer while your sweet, little wife cuts the grass in the sweltering sun! YOU SHOULD BE HUNG!"

Jack looks up at her over the over the top of his sunglasses and replies,

"I am; that's why she's happy to cut the grass."

:blink:

Edited by RJ Tucker, Mar 4 2016, 02:08 AM.
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