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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,109 Views)
RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
You know that awesome feeling, when you finally understand what a woman wants?

Me neither


:whistle
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Paddy: "Look at that flock of cows!"
Mick: "Herd of cows, you fool"
Paddy: "Of course I've heard of cows, there's an effing flock of them over there!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Should I Really Join Facebook or Twitter now? (This is priceless)

Whoever wrote this is hilarious . . . and it’s really quite true for people in the over-60 age group!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage next to the race car.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."


Edited by Olde Farte, Mar 12 2016, 09:51 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' as she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
The Circus came to town; the lions were the mane event.

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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
:like
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Stolen without shame from Twitter;

RIP to the man who invented predictive text. He passed away last week.

His funfair is next Monkey.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf explains all what I don't like about predictive text.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
An elderly man remembers the good old days, "When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 loafs of breads, a bottle of milk, a pound of cheese and a dozen eggs. Nowadays that's impossible - there are simply to many security cameras."

Posted Image

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:like



Got my gun permit yesterday.



.... went over to the local gun Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.


I still don't think I looked that bad .
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork. I thought, can't argue with that!
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When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
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I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
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I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.
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If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!
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Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!
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I've swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof!
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A Nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the friggin putt, didn’t you?”
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Winner of The Basildon Gazette's best tweet of the week:


"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby."
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