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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,107 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Mar 19 2016, 11:09 AM Post #1156 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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That's me and my 2 mates. |
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| RJ Tucker | Mar 19 2016, 07:15 PM Post #1157 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Good news Guys! I've decided to edge-u-ma-cate y'all on how these here United States works! First Lesson is the separation of Church & State: The reason ya' can't post the Ten Commandments in a courthouse are these here words: "Thou Shalt Not Steal" "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" "Thou Shall Not Lie" In a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, they create a hostile work environment. Thus endeth the lesson. |
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| RJ Tucker | Mar 20 2016, 04:47 PM Post #1158 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A Scotsman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The Scot turns around, curiosity getting the better of him, "Oh, really, Lass? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, Aye, true enough, Lass, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Aye Lass, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
Edited by RJ Tucker, Mar 20 2016, 04:48 PM.
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| Olde Farte | Mar 21 2016, 09:04 AM Post #1159 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' |
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| TomTheCat | Mar 21 2016, 05:21 PM Post #1160 |
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airbrush beginner
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Why are there no smart husbands? Because smart men don't get married. |
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| RJ Tucker | Mar 21 2016, 09:38 PM Post #1161 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor, and I could see that you were tense. So I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" |
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| RJ Tucker | Mar 22 2016, 10:40 PM Post #1162 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were sitting at the bar; they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The red head asked how she could know that. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy". The red head replied, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived." The blonde starts crying, orders another shot and sobs, "I'm going to have a PUPPY!"
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| beowulf | Mar 23 2016, 09:48 PM Post #1163 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I asked my boss, "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" He said, "Just pop it in the corner." It took me three hours. |
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| Olde Farte | Mar 24 2016, 11:53 AM Post #1164 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Took a while then CLANG..................... |
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| DevilFish | Mar 24 2016, 12:18 PM Post #1165 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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You mean "pop"
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| Olde Farte | Mar 24 2016, 01:24 PM Post #1166 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| tc2324 | Mar 24 2016, 02:49 PM Post #1167 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar. |
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| tc2324 | Mar 24 2016, 02:50 PM Post #1168 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Sure enough, he is soon arrested for rustling. |
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| RJ Tucker | Mar 24 2016, 11:33 PM Post #1169 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Man: "I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me in over 6 months". Lawyer: "Are you stupid? That's the dream of every man." |
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| Olde Farte | Mar 25 2016, 09:29 AM Post #1170 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff. |
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2:39 PM Jul 11