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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,107 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
That's me and my 2 mates.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Good news Guys! I've decided to edge-u-ma-cate y'all on how these here United States works!

First Lesson is the separation of Church & State:

The reason ya' can't post the Ten Commandments in a courthouse are these here words:

"Thou Shalt Not Steal"

"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"

"Thou Shall Not Lie"

In a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, they create a hostile work environment.

Thus endeth the lesson.


:blink:

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A Scotsman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The Scot turns around, curiosity getting the better of him, "Oh, really, Lass? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, Aye, true enough, Lass, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Aye Lass, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."


:ohmy
Edited by RJ Tucker, Mar 20 2016, 04:48 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
Why are there no smart husbands?

Because smart men don't get married.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor, and I could see that you were tense. So I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"



:wicked

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were sitting at the bar; they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."

The red head asked how she could know that.

She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".

The red head replied, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived."

The blonde starts crying, orders another shot and sobs, "I'm going to have a PUPPY!"



Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
I asked my boss, "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?"
He said, "Just pop it in the corner."
It took me three hours.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Took a while then CLANG.....................
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Olde Farte
Mar 24 2016, 11:53 AM
Took a while then CLANG.....................
You mean "pop" :whistle
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DevilFish
Mar 24 2016, 12:18 PM
Olde Farte
Mar 24 2016, 11:53 AM
Took a while then CLANG.....................
You mean "pop" :whistle
:rolf :rolf
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Sure enough, he is soon arrested for rustling.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Man: "I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me in over 6 months".

Lawyer: "Are you stupid? That's the dream of every man."


:gob

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve


Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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