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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,106 Views)
Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"

... but when I do it, I'm "wasted or perverted" and "have to leave Walmart".


:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'

SUNDAY
A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours or join modelling forums!
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Last month Prince Charles and Camilla visited RAF Trimingham and as the Royal party arrived out stepped HRH sporting a genuine fox fur hat, with the poor creature's tail hanging forlornly down his back.

The Station Commander stepped forward and whispered in Charlie's ear, "My God, your Highness, it's one of the hottest days of the year, and - I mean, I know your views about hunting - but it's hardly politically correct, wearing a fox fur hat, now is it?"

"What???" exclaimed Charles, "oh, this old thing," he indicated his hat, "Mummy's idea!"

"Mummy's idea?" said the Station Commander incredulously, "you mean Her Majesty the Queen's recommended it???"

"Oh yes," replied Charles, "you see, at breakfast she asked me what I was doing today, and I told her that I was coming to RAF Trimingham and she said 'Trimingham? Wear the fox hat?'

The old ones are the best...........
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
beowulf
Mar 27 2016, 06:26 PM
Last month Prince Charles and Camilla visited RAF Trimingham and as the Royal party arrived out stepped HRH sporting a genuine fox fur hat, with the poor creature's tail hanging forlornly down his back.

The Station Commander stepped forward and whispered in Charlie's ear, "My God, your Highness, it's one of the hottest days of the year, and - I mean, I know your views about hunting - but it's hardly politically correct, wearing a fox fur hat, now is it?"

"What???" exclaimed Charles, "oh, this old thing," he indicated his hat, "Mummy's idea!"

"Mummy's idea?" said the Station Commander incredulously, "you mean Her Majesty the Queen's recommended it???"

"Oh yes," replied Charles, "you see, at breakfast she asked me what I was doing today, and I told her that I was coming to RAF Trimingham and she said 'Trimingham? Wear the fox hat?'

The old ones are the best...........
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....................

Sumbody's goin' to hav'ta 'splain dat to the provincial.

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Today's health tip:

What should you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.


:ohmy
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madnursegaz
resin fondler
RJ Tucker
Mar 28 2016, 12:54 PM
beowulf
Mar 27 2016, 06:26 PM
Last month Prince Charles and Camilla visited RAF Trimingham and as the Royal party arrived out stepped HRH sporting a genuine fox fur hat, with the poor creature's tail hanging forlornly down his back.

The Station Commander stepped forward and whispered in Charlie's ear, "My God, your Highness, it's one of the hottest days of the year, and - I mean, I know your views about hunting - but it's hardly politically correct, wearing a fox fur hat, now is it?"

"What???" exclaimed Charles, "oh, this old thing," he indicated his hat, "Mummy's idea!"

"Mummy's idea?" said the Station Commander incredulously, "you mean Her Majesty the Queen's recommended it???"

"Oh yes," replied Charles, "you see, at breakfast she asked me what I was doing today, and I told her that I was coming to RAF Trimingham and she said 'Trimingham? Wear the fox hat?'

The old ones are the best...........
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....................

Sumbody's goin' to hav'ta 'splain dat to the provincial.

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"Trimingham? Wear the fox hat!" ="Trimingham? Where the f*@#'s that?"

HTH!
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Olde Farte
Mar 27 2016, 08:31 AM


A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.


She showed the group a lovely hillside
You've never been to Holland, have you? :whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing you in court, I'm beginning to have my doubts."


:whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Telling Him Softly

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push up bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way !" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage"
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies"
"Oh, killing any?"
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."


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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Two drunks were walking home along the railroad tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk replies, "I'll tell you sumpin' else!; this hand rail is too damn low!"


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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:"Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman".
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, "OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".


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