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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,177 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and Commonwealth bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Commonwealth Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

BANK:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

BANK:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

BANK:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

BANK:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

BANK:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

BANK:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

BANK:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

BANK:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

BANK:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

BANK:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

BANK:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
Plot Number 1049'

BANK:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
It's a lot funnier this year, last year I didn't laugh quite so much. I had a lot of this when I was sorting Mum's stuff out.

I had one of them tell me they couldn't talk to me about the account without Mum's permission. When I asked which part of dead did she not understand the woman got pretty stroppy. After some fairly choice language I got passed on to the supervisor, he said I had to send a letter signed by my Mum before they would talk to me about the account. I asked if a death certificate would be enough. He said "Yes, so long as she signs it." :blink:

I hung up.
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
Got to wonder what level of intelligence? permeats these bloody organisations.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
More along the same vein.



DEMENTIA


ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)


TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)


THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last re maining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
i dont go to mcdonalds very often but when i do i have plain cheeseburger with tomato sauce. its scary how often the idiots ask me if i want cheese with it!
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey, Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Whythe heck are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Ever wondered what is worse Than A Colonoscopy ?

You will know the answer after watching this short, absolutely hilarious video.

The Aussies know comedy! Click below:

www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Olde Farte
Jun 28 2014, 01:23 PM


www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0
always said iphones were a bit sh*t :rolf
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Quote:
 
Ever wondered what is worse Than A Colonoscopy ?

You will know the answer after watching this short, absolutely hilarious video.


Excellent film!

(Please don't tell us what you were searching for when you found it though...)
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Nikon User
Jun 28 2014, 06:15 PM
Quote:
 
Ever wondered what is worse Than A Colonoscopy ?

You will know the answer after watching this short, absolutely hilarious video.


Excellent film!

(Please don't tell us what you were searching for when you found it though...)
It came from my bruv in Oz as he knew I had had a colonoscopy a few months ago, thought it would bring back memories.
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