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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,105 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Apr 4 2016, 08:07 AM Post #1186 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's actually on sale this week for £44." She says, That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?" The man replies "The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish Bait is £3.50." |
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| mrvr6 | Apr 4 2016, 04:19 PM Post #1187 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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lol |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 4 2016, 11:15 PM Post #1188 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A Gynecologists asks a patient while examining her, "How many sex partners did you have? "5 or 6, don't remember exactly.. Hmm, not that many... last weekend was pretty slow."
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 6 2016, 01:52 AM Post #1189 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Now, for sumpin' udderly ridiculous: Why do cows like being told joke? Because they like being amoosed. What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world. What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter. What is the definition of "moon"? The past tense of "moo"! What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milkshake There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "So what do you think of mad cow disease?" The other replies, "I don't know, I'm a chicken!" |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 6 2016, 09:03 PM Post #1190 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because, silly boy, if it had 4 doors it would be chicken sedan.
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 7 2016, 09:56 PM Post #1191 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.'
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| beowulf | Apr 8 2016, 06:32 PM Post #1192 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 9 2016, 07:14 PM Post #1193 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() RATS! Foiled again.
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 10 2016, 11:23 AM Post #1194 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() "Whoa! look at this mess! Ol' Lady's gonna be pissed"
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| beowulf | Apr 10 2016, 11:50 AM Post #1195 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| TomTheCat | Apr 10 2016, 04:07 PM Post #1196 |
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airbrush beginner
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A vast improvement IMHO, lol |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 16 2016, 12:01 PM Post #1197 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Many years ago , I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John and I'm okay thanks," I replied. "John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Probably still under the cart," I said. |
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| Johni044 | Apr 16 2016, 05:14 PM Post #1198 |
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Lt John "bullet" Irwing
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Just tried to play frisbee with my cat, hopeless. Think I need a flatter cat. |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 17 2016, 10:34 AM Post #1199 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Damn, I wish I'd known as I flattened a few under my bus wheels. |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 17 2016, 10:39 AM Post #1200 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Son: "Dad, why are Wedding dresses white?" Dad: "All major kitchen appliances come in white, Son."
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2:39 PM Jul 11