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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,104 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ Tucker
Apr 17 2016, 10:39 AM
Son: "Dad, why are Wedding dresses white?"

Dad: "All major kitchen appliances come in white, Son."

:wicked
Ooooh! I bet your missus loves you. :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
RULES OF THE AIR
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
Accidents usually follow the simultaneous combination of running out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:like


I prepared the living room for decoration prior to having a new carpet fitted in a week or so, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. Judy walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
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TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
beowulf
Apr 17 2016, 12:25 PM
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
I'm sure Del will like this :whistle
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Paul and Del
:like
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Olde Farte
Apr 17 2016, 11:07 AM
RJ Tucker
Apr 17 2016, 10:39 AM
Son: "Dad, why are Wedding dresses white?"

Dad: "All major kitchen appliances come in white, Son."

:wicked
Ooooh! I bet your missus loves you. :rolf :rolf :rolf
Why yes she does!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Little Johnny Strikes Yet Again !!

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
TomTheCat
Apr 17 2016, 04:57 PM
beowulf
Apr 17 2016, 12:25 PM
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
I'm sure Del will like this :whistle
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :hurt
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son.

As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."

Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!"

Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you."

Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?"

Son: "Let them sleep with daddy."

Daddy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."*


Posted Image


* You know momma's pissed!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf I do like that......................
Edited by Olde Farte, Apr 19 2016, 01:16 PM.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

CASHIER: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah. She ain't THAT ugly."

:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in the back of a trailer, drinking a beer and talking about life.

Billy-Bob said: "If I's snuck on over to your double-wide whilst you were out fishing and had sex with your wife, and she got knocked-up, would that make us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit and said: "I don't think so...but it sure would make us even." *


:blink:

* Yoused just knowed dats when the fight started!
Edited by RJ Tucker, Apr 21 2016, 12:22 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Very funny RJ.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Mother knows best..............

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you ? I demand to know !"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge and I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account." He continues "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest ?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him

"You'll have to try again."
Edited by Olde Farte, Apr 21 2016, 01:13 PM.
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