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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,103 Views) | |
| Disorder | Apr 21 2016, 06:41 PM Post #1216 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 21 2016, 09:46 PM Post #1217 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done beating the occupants to bloody pulp, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.'
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 22 2016, 11:45 PM Post #1218 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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One rainy, miserable evening, Daniel was in no shape to drive after drinking for hours with his buddies, so he, sensibly, left his car in the parking lot and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning in this awful downpour?" asked the police officer. "I'm on my way to a lecture" answered Daniel. "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night in the middle of a Monsoon?" enquired the constable sarcastically. "My wife," slurred Daniel grimly. |
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| beowulf | Apr 23 2016, 10:13 AM Post #1219 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| beowulf | Apr 23 2016, 10:14 AM Post #1220 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Edited by beowulf, Apr 23 2016, 10:16 AM.
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| beowulf | Apr 23 2016, 10:15 AM Post #1221 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| beowulf | Apr 23 2016, 12:44 PM Post #1222 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’ Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’ Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ‘Nope’ she replies. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells. To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.” |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 23 2016, 01:21 PM Post #1223 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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THE BLONDE AND THE LORD A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!" |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 24 2016, 01:46 AM Post #1224 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. "You call this progress?" snapped the patient. "Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I'm a nobody!"
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 24 2016, 08:07 PM Post #1225 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, coach," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned." |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 25 2016, 02:06 PM Post #1226 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| tc2324 | Apr 26 2016, 06:50 AM Post #1227 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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Just heard H from steps has died. When will all this end?
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| Olde Farte | Apr 26 2016, 10:23 AM Post #1228 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Had me going for a minute, TC you have a warped sense of humour but I love it. |
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 26 2016, 11:14 AM Post #1229 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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That faint tune you hear is "8,7,6,5"; that's H decomposing.
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| RJ Tucker | Apr 26 2016, 11:44 PM Post #1230 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. At our age, it's important to keep our minds sharp. ![]() |
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2:39 PM Jul 11