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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,102 Views)
RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.

"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a rather snobby manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $9.95."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie cheaper than the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Ken has to pay for her stuff."

:ohmy
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Two small boys met during their first day at school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second boy.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.


:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day?

He replied, "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."


:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A husband and wife had a biter fight.

Wife called her mom: "He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you."

Mom: "No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"


:ohmy
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED


What is the difference between girls/woman aged : 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real idiot when you're drunk, Superman!"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
beowulf
May 11 2016, 08:29 AM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
Copy cat... :rolf 2 posts above this.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
lol.....you must subscribe to the same facebook page as me then :whistle
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
Brilliant, guys.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
beowulf
May 11 2016, 09:19 AM
lol.....you must subscribe to the same facebook page as me then :whistle
OK I'll let you off. But me, on Facebook, you have to be kidding and these will fly first.
:pig
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange.

We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary: Lawn mower wouldn't start, can't figure it out!!


:boohoo

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field.

The first cow said "mooo" and the second cow said "baaaaaa."

The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, "Why did you say 'baaaaa'?"

The second cow replied, "I am learning a foreign language."


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