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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,101 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Freeway when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

________________________________________________________________

A group of bikers were trundling down the road when they came upon a commotion at a bridge. It was a a young woman standing on the balustrade threatening to commit suicide. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there ?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked. "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers and even the State Trooper and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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This is the simplest - and probably the most sensible - explanation, about the EU and the Euro, ever to see the light of day:

Baldrick: "What I want to know, sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. Now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. Now what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs".
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?”
Baldrick: "Yes sir."
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir?”
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."
Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks."
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Just wanted to let you all know...I had a terrible accident yesterday..but I am doing better now..I decided yesterday to go horseback riding in which I haven't done in years..Well, I got on the horse and started out slow and then we went a little faster and then we were going as fast as the horse could go...all of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle..It wouldn't stop..just going around and around in a circle.. if it weren't for a quick thinking man (I owe my life to) I would probably not have made it...thank goodness the store manager at Kmart came out and unplugged the machine.... Thank you Debbie.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.

We men are so polite we only look at the covered parts!

:wicked
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ Tucker
May 22 2016, 10:25 PM
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.

We men are so polite we only look at the covered parts!

:wicked
Yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Took a couple of seconds then, DOH!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Three nuns stand at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and Saint Peter turns to them and explains that they must answer a single question each to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sister Lara steps forward.
"Who was the first man on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Adam," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

Sister Evelyn steps forward and says she is ready.
"Who was the first woman on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Eve," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

The Mother Superior steps forward and announces that she is ready.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asks the Saint.
The Mother Superior replies, "My goodness," she says, "that's a hard one." And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally, A Blonde Joke I Hadn't Heard.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie !"
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
A 25 year old girl marries an 85 tear old man.

On their wedding night she decides that the excitement might be too much for him, and to save his heart, they would stay in separate rooms.

As she's getting ready for bed, there's a knock at the door. In comes her husband and proceeds to make love to her.

Afterwards he leaves, and she settles down to sleep. Just as she's about to doze off, there's a knock at the door and her husband enters. Round two ensues, and he leaves again.

Well, she's really ready for sleep now, but again, as she settles down, she hears a knock at the door.

Once more, her husband enters and proceeds to make love to her.

Afterwards, before he leaves, she asks how he could manage to go 3 times, when men half his age couldn't manage more than once?

"Oh?" he replies "Have I been here before tonight?"
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her lazy husband, Billy, who refused to find a job.

"My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

Billy rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!"

:blink:
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Dogs are rubbish at dancing - they have two left feet.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Nikon User
May 28 2016, 07:41 AM
Dogs are rubbish at dancing - they have two left feet.
Posted Image


Pawsitively! I'll bust a move any second, minute, hour day now.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his patients who was vacationing in Spain.

"I'm having a great time!" "Wish you were here to tell me why."


:blink:
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
RJ Tucker
May 29 2016, 09:29 AM
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his patients who was vacationing in Spain.

"I'm having a great time!" "Wish you were here to tell me why."


:blink:
lol
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