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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,100 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

The Lie Detector Robot


A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says,"Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok. We were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image

*waits for the comebacks*
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
Brilliant
Per arda ad astra
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DOG LADY…


Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were on holiday. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered after several rings, in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work? she asked.

Well, It just worked for me, he replied.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
Cimmerian
Jun 2 2016, 06:04 PM
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Paris in the Springtime

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, peed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, peed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
lol
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A famous doctor was being interviewed by the news media.

Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.

"Well, yes," the doctor sighed. "I once cured a multimillionaire."

"How was that a mistake?" The reporter asked.

The doctor shook his head wearily. "I did it in one visit!"


:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
1
He said to me .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

3
He said to me. . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

5
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.

6
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed..Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A SNCO and a Very Junior Officer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The Officer is thinking that NCO’s are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the Officer asks if the SNCO would like to play a fun game. The SNCO is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The Officer persists, saying "Come on, this is a fun game. I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you £100."
This catches the SNCO's attention and, to keep the Officer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The Officer asks the first question, "What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The SNCO doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the Officer. Now it’s the SNCO's turn.
He asks the Officer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The Officer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After over two hours of searching he finally gives up. He wakes the SNCO and hands him £100. The SNCO pockets the £100 and goes right back to sleep.
The Officer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the SNCO up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The SNCO reaches into his pocket, hands the Officer £5, and goes back to sleep.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy.
The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy.
The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.
The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young warrior declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."



Well now, that wasn't too obtuse, was it?



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