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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,176 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Something To Offend Everyone!


News flashes:

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf Grow old disgracefully I say.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
stevescan
Jul 4 2014, 01:50 AM
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf Grow old disgracefully I say.
Wonderful....... :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Mosquito
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Kit reviewer
I've just had a couple of pints of beer and read these last few jokes.

Having set me off laughing I had to recite them to my good lady wife. :rolf :rolf

Nice one guys, I needed a giggle. :cool
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"S**T" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center.
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting further and further away from the bucket."
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf
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