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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,094 Views)
mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
Just back from the doctors :-(
I woke up this morning with a speech impediment - unable to pronounce 'F' and 'TH'
Doctor said "well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY PLEASE


A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2016 Ryder Cup. They are VIP passes, plus airfares, and hotel accommodation.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, It's at St Johns Church, Bristol, on Saturday 1st October at 3.00pm.

Her name is Susan and she will be the one in the white dress.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ3_o7F7mqY
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Yeah right. :pig
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
This is what we seniors go through. The other day I went over to our Pharmacy.. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL, NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed…… On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water .......Under his wife's supervision.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.

Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”

Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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