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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,093 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf methinks someone is looking for a short life. :whistle
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Olde Farte
Oct 15 2016, 10:54 AM
:rolf :rolf :rolf methinks someone is looking for a short life. :whistle
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:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
When I make you breakfast in bed and deliver it with all the appropriate trimmings, a simple "Thank you" would be suitable gratitude.

Not all this fuss about "How did you get into my house?" or "Get out or I'll call the Police!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


I always wondered how this trend got started; now I know!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres


I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.

A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
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madnursegaz
resin fondler
:like
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
f you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Last Halloween.
I shouted. “Honey there’s a witch at the door what shall I do?”
The reply was, “Just give her some sweets and tell her to go away.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
Two blondes are talking. One says: "Yesterday I took a pregnancy test." The other says: "Oh dear! Were the questions difficult?"

A blonde is pregnant with twins. Her sister asks her why she's crying. The blonde answers: "I don't know who's the father of the second one!"

He: "Did you sleep with other men?"
She: "Honey, I only slept with you. With the others, I was awake."

Midwife to the aspiring mother: "Would you like to have the father present at the birth?" The mom: "Jesus, no! He doesn't get along with my husband at all!"

Did you know that many more men would run out on their wives if they only knew how to pack a suitcase?
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Quote:
 
Did you know that many more men would run out on their wives if they only knew how to pack a suitcase?


PPBBPPLFPLL ... I didn't need a suitcase until I got married. There's never enough room in hers. :ohmy
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Edited by beowulf, Nov 1 2016, 08:47 PM.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
beowulf
Nov 1 2016, 08:46 PM
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That was my RAF career in a nutshell, lol :whistle
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