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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,091 Views)
beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
analysis of marching

https://www.facebook.com/royalairforce1918/videos/1713187975597680/

just tagged everyone i know on facebook whos ex-service.......especially the pongos and fishheads :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Click on link then just scroll down.

http://www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children".

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank".

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy".

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Sorry Paddy............................... :whistle


Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of Paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....the driver won Ł52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin? Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Nov 30 2016, 11:46 AM

BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
We have seen that....They voted Trump, :whistle :rolf :dead
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************
I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************
I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

***************************
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
So.... the lesson seems to me that in a year or two fat, ugly, stooopid chicks are going to beat me up a lot.

:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."


:wicked
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Kids: CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE, YEA!

Dad:

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Yeah, pretty much. :blink:
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