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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,090 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Dec 13 2016, 11:20 AM Post #1411 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Wonderful English from Around the World .... In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER! On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP? In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally, the all-time classic, seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE |
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| madnursegaz | Dec 13 2016, 03:05 PM Post #1412 |
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resin fondler
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| Olde Farte | Dec 14 2016, 11:30 AM Post #1413 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration. ''Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' |
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 14 2016, 12:55 PM Post #1414 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() Now you know.
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 14 2016, 01:04 PM Post #1415 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() HO! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp..... HO!
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 14 2016, 01:13 PM Post #1416 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() Kind'a puts the HO in HO, HO, HO don't it?! Got'ta go! The nice lady in the white dress is here with my happy pill! MERRY CHRISTMAS y'all!
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| mac1677 | Dec 14 2016, 01:24 PM Post #1417 |
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 17 2016, 02:04 AM Post #1418 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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| Olde Farte | Dec 17 2016, 08:55 AM Post #1419 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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All part of the job……… and thank you for flying Qantas!! A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said, "Yes, she did”. "Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you." |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 17 2016, 02:06 PM Post #1420 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" The old lady reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta Love Grandmas |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 18 2016, 09:54 AM Post #1421 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues,"one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared." There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. "I looked up, and realised that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. by then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail." At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, I think I should point out that 'Fokker' as the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war. Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt's" |
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| tc2324 | Dec 20 2016, 08:28 AM Post #1422 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| Olde Farte | Dec 20 2016, 11:49 AM Post #1423 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Where's the bangers and chips then, doesn't look right with just 4 eggs.
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 23 2016, 12:42 PM Post #1424 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Merry Christmas! little curtain climbers Well, this is the 21st century!* *so far, the 21st century is panning out quite the way I'd hoped. WHERE'S MY FLYING CAR! |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 24 2016, 12:18 PM Post #1425 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER: as received by the UK Passport Office. Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. Do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book. It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card. My driving licence. My car insurance. On the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years. All those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for poo sakes. I just want to go and park my backside on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a toss whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want to tell! Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the ******* place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some pratt to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ******* morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Citizen P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor .. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED SOMEWHERE FRIGGIN ABROAD! |
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2:39 PM Jul 11