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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,089 Views)
Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf Brilliant, Del. But sadly so true!
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Whatever.....NEXT!
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
This is sooooooo me :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
From the Australian Association Of Retired People

Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in em?

A: Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.

Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory ?

A: Storing something in memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

A: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?

A: Nudity

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
God I remember Corrie from all those black and white years, crap now and don't watch but good all those years ago.
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RJ Tucker
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Present company excluded, of course.

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Elderly Golfer

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the 19th hole.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $3.00

HAMBURGER: $5.00

CHEESEBURGER: $6.00

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $6.50

HAND-JOB: $25.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary, the old golfer walks up to the bar

and beckons the attractive bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?

She looks into his wrinkled eyes, and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I certainly am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands really well, because I want the cheeseburger.”
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
haha
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A few limericks.

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

King Richard, in one of his rages,
Forsook his good lady for ages,
He rested in bed,
With a good book instead,
Or, preferably, one of his pages.

King Henry the Eighth was a Tudor
Of our monarchs we've witnessed fu ludor,
Each wife that he wed,
He led to the bed,
Where he vudor and wudor and scrudor.

There was a crusader of Parma,
Who went to bed with his charma,
She, naturally nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But do you think you could take off your arma?"

Boadicea often would goad,
Some chance soldier she met on the road,
Then paint with isatis*,
Their sex apparatus,
And embrace, crying, "One for the woad!"

A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison,
And had an affair with a Saracen;
She was not over-sexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.

There was a young monarch called Ed,
Who took Mrs. Simpson to bed,
As they bounced up and down,
He said, "Bugger the crown!
We'll give it to Albert instead."

The immaculate Sir Walter Raleigh
Had a terrible row with his valet,
Who, on seeing his cloak,
Cried, "You lousy old soak,
You've been rolling about in the alley!"

Said Nelson at his most la-di-da-di
"I'm sorry if I'm rather tardy,
But I'm in a dilemma,
Should I bugger Emma,
Or screw the delectable Hardy?"

Said Wellington, "What's the location
Of this battle I've won for the nation?"
They replied, "Waterloo."
He said, "That'll do,
What a wonderful name for a station!"

While Titian was mixing Rose Madder
His model reclined on a ladder.
The position to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he ran up the ladder an' 'ad 'er.

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
So! think your day sucks?! ya' got nuttin' on this guy!


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I'll bet "she" could parallel park, too!
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
OMG
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