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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,087 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls .
He sat down next to a beautiful woman.
The puzzled woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The woman continued to look at him, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Paddy was cleaning his rifle, when he accidentally shot and killed his wife.
He phoned 999

Paddy: "It's me wife, I accidentally shot her, I think I've killed her!"

Operator: "Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead"

CLICK! BANG!!

Paddy: " OK, done that, what next?"

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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just finished sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before I'm married, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."


:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Disorder
Jan 31 2017, 07:31 PM
Paddy was cleaning his rifle, when he accidentally shot and killed his wife.
He phoned 999

Paddy: "It's me wife, I accidentally shot her, I think I've killed her!"

Operator: "Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead"

CLICK! BANG!!

Paddy: " OK, done that, what next?"

:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Boss: "Why didn't you water the plants yesterday?"
Worker: "It was raining."
Boss: "Don't make excuses! You could have used an umbrella!!"


:bang:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children".

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy".

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank".

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy".

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, This time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mum made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My good man, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*****g wall"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT,
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute.
You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If
you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************


I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go
ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?


*****************************

I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

***************************
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Wonderful English from Around the World ....

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER!

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP?

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


And finally, the all-time classic, seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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