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Ask Sopo - The Advice Column!; Production of the EBC
Topic Started: Dec 7 2015, 12:31 AM (190 Views)
mousebumples
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Ask Sopo is an advice column run by the Europeian Broadcasting Corporation. We will be rerunning old issues for the first two days of the NationStates World's Fair, but additional columns will be forthcoming thereafter.

If you have a question for Dear Sopo that you would like to appear in the column, please send a message to Sopo, who just may provide you with the answers you've been seeking.
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mousebumples
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Ask Sopo
Europeia's Advice Column


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Dear Sopo,

I'm graduating high school in a few months and going to University in the fall. I really want to be popular at University. What do I do?

Yours,
Desperately Seeking Sorority Girls
Dear Desperately,

It's easy! All you have to do to be popular is be so loud that no one can ignore you. This includes not only loud talking, but "loud" dress. Bright colors and conflicting patterns will draw all eyes to you. From there, the campus is your oyster! Those sorority girls will be eating out of the palm of your hand.

Sincerely,
Sopo


Quote:
 
Dear Sopo,

I have a male friend who can't seem to take a hint. He keeps flirting with me and hitting on me, but I am so not interested. How can I make it clear to him that he's in the friendzone and he should move on?

Yours,
Lady Evading That Horrible Entendre Now
Dear Evading,

Kick him in the balls the next time he tries something.

Sincerely,
Sopo


Quote:
 
Dear Sopo,

I'm interested in owning a pet sloth. Any tips for care of such an animal?

Yours,
Slowly Considering Sloths
Dear Slowly,

Sloth care is incredibly difficult. Since they move so slowly, they have a bad habit of leaving feces in undesirable places. They eat quite a bit, but often struggle to make it to their food at mealtimes, so you must place it directly in front of them. They also have a symbiotic relationship with algae, so I hope you like your home smelling like a swamp! Happy slothing.

Sincerely,
Sopo




Ask Sopo is an advice column run by the Europeian Broadcasting Corporation. We will be rerunning old issues for the first two days of the NationStates World's Fair, but additional columns will be forthcoming thereafter.

If you have a question for Dear Sopo that you would like to appear in the column, please send a message to Sopo, who just may provide you with the answers you've been seeking.
Edited by mousebumples, Dec 7 2015, 05:03 AM.
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mousebumples
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Ask Sopo
Europeia's Advice Column


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Dear Sopo,

I frequently suffer from insomnia. What tips would you have for helping me fall asleep more easily?

Sincerely yours,
Long, Hard Nights

Dear Long,

I struggled with insomnia myself for a number of years. My doctor prescribed sleeping pills, but I found that they left me drowsy in the morning. After a month-long stint in rehab for pill addiction, I decided that they were not the solution to my insomnia. On the advice of a friend, I tried a natural sleep aid. Here's what you do:

In a cocktail shaker, combine the following:

6oz 190-proof Moonshine
4 crushed aspirin

Shake and pour into a martini glass rimmed with Vicks VapoRub. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Sopo


Quote:
 
Dear Sopo,


Yours,
I don't know how to ask questions

Dear Don't Know,

Having a low IQ can be a barrier to finding a job, maintaining relationships, and generally participating in society. Do not fear! Europeia is a great place for idiots like yourself. Please contact Integration Services for your "assistance."*

Sincerely,
Sopo

*Ask Sopo is not responsible for punches doled by Integration Services


Quote:
 
Dear Sopo,

What are your thoughts on turtles?

Regards,
Shelly

Dear Shelly,

Turtles are quite delicious, but inherently dangerous. Turtle obsession is a serious, rising epidemic in NationStates that many regions are unprepared to deal with. Overexposure to turtles may lead to irresponsible behavior, including watching Dr. Who and annoying region-mates. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms of turtle obsession, please leave NationStates immediately.

Sincerely,
Sopo



Ask Sopo is an advice column run by the Europeian Broadcasting Corporation. We will be rerunning old issues for the first two days of the NationStates World's Fair, but additional columns will be forthcoming thereafter.

If you have a question for Dear Sopo that you would like to appear in the column, please send a message to Sopo, who just may provide you with the answers you've been seeking.
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Sopo
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I can't answer your questions if you don't send them to me! Ask away. :)
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mousebumples
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Why are you so slothy?
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Aexnidaral Seymour
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Dear Father in Law,

How are you so handsome? Did I NS marry the wrong person? How can I be handsome like you?
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fortunado

Dear Sopo,

I, along with many people, have found Rand's form of "procreation" to be unethical, inefficient and hinging on bio-cult levels. Will you foresee upon his totally biased trial in the HEM court?

Minister of Excommunication
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Sopo
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Europeia's Advice Column

Dear Sopo,

I am really clumsy and just spilled juice and vodka on my laptop. I am concerned that I've killed my laptop when I need it for Finals and NationStates ... and I can't afford to buy a new one right now. :( Any tips?

Yours,
some acronym that spells out NETZ ... i need to work on that though


Dear Some Acronym,

I'm sorry to hear about your accident! I consulted with my friend who happens to be a medical professional, and here's what I suggest:

1) Make sure your laptop gets plenty of bedrest
2) Pour chicken soup on the keyboard
3) Rub Vick's Vapo-rub all over the screen
4) Garnish with whipped cream and cherry
5) Enjoy!

Yours,
Sopo



Dear Sopo,

I have a friend who loves wearing jean shorts, and its seriously embarrassing. How do I fix his problems? I don't want to say his name but its unholy of him to wear jean shorts that cut so low at the hem.

Sincerely,
Pirate Lethen


Dear Pirate Lethen,

Don't fret! There's not much you can do, so its best not to worry. Nethel will punish him in the underworld for his indecency.

Piously,
Sopo



Dear Sopo,

I've never known my father, and my mother will only hint at his identity - but I think I've figured out who he is! While he comes by to flirt with my mom, he doesn't really seem to notice me or give me the time of day. Any suggestions on how to make him want to be a part of my life?

Yours,
Cautious Seeker


Dear Cautious,

If you want your father to love you, I suggest becoming completely consumed with achieving that goal. It's very normal and healthy to be obsessed with something that will likely never happen. We all have to have dreams! As long as your mom is hot, he'll keep coming around, giving you a glipse of what you're missing out on. Additionally, I'd mail him a hand-made card each year for Christmas so you can experience the tinge of sadness that comes with "return to sender."

Cordially,
Dad
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mousebumples
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BREAKING NEWS: Sopo admits to being the dad to Cautious Seeker?
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Netz
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The advice in the first question works guys!
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fortunado

Netz
Dec 12 2015, 04:25 AM
The advice in the first question works guys!
He's good...
*returns to signing letters of Excommunication on random people in, around, or near Europeia*
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Lethen
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Sopo that last answer. Colddddddd.
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Sopo
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mousebumples
Dec 12 2015, 04:16 AM
BREAKING NEWS: Sopo admits to being the dad to Cautious Seeker?
That would be too much incest even for me.
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Sopo
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Europeia's Advice Column

Dear Father in Law,

How are you so handsome? Did I NS marry the wrong person? How can I be handsome like you?

Sincerely,
Suck-up


Dear Suck-up,

Sloths are world-renowned for their beauty. However, I can attribute good genes alone to my success. I spent years perfecting my own line of beauty products, Cream Your Face, that keep me looking young, virile, and covered in algae--just like Slothgelina Jolie or Slothley Cooper. You can buy these productions for a limited time offer of $49.99 plus shipping and handling. The starter kit includes the Cream Your Face: Face Cream, as well as the Eye Cream, Body Cream, and Foot Cream. For an additional $19.99 you can add the limited addition Make You Cream Self-Starter kit, which includes ingredients to make your own custom creams. If you order now, we'll throw in one of those "Full Body Massagers" at no extra charge. Order now!

Sincerely,
Sopo



Dear Sopo,

I, along with many people, have found Rand's form of "procreation" to be unethical, inefficient and hinging on bio-cult levels. Will you foresee upon his totally biased trial in the HEM court?

Yours,
Minister of Excommunication


Dear Minister,

We here at Dear Sopo take ethics very seriously. Ethics are a serious threat to our society, and, as such, we have declared the Ask Sopo Writers' Room an "ethics-free zone." We hope taking these kinds of precautions will make sure that no one is subjected to ethics in the future. I salute Rand for his work fighting against ethics.

As a sloth, I have personally battled against efficiency my entire life. Efficiency prevents each individual from achieving their own true sloth potential, and I find that those who push efficiency are subconsciously biased against sloth-kind. I am happy to hear that Rand is working to stop this kind of discrimination.

I am personally unfamiliar with "bio-cult," but a quick google search leads me to believe that it is some kind of food supplement. Indeed, Rand's work fighting efficiency and ethics is almost as good as a food supplement. I can guarantee you that the Court will reward him for his excellent behavior and punish those who believe otherwise.

Sincerely,
Sopo



DEAR SOPO,

My best friend hates my jorts, and I think he is just as guilty as those jerks in EuroChat and on Mixlr for making fun of that time I deleted the EBC...I mean...my friend deleted the EBC...and my friend's jorts...but anyway, will my...friend's best friend...ever become more than a large evil traitorous hurtful evil nerd?

Sincerely,
Morally Enigmatic Harem


Dear HEM,

I don't want to upset you further, but I think your friend is just looking out for your well-being. Several legitimate laboratory studies have linked jorts to low sex drive, low self-esteem, and dangerously low body image. He may be worried that your continued addiction to jorts is hurting your relationship with your friends, family, and even yourself. I know several experts on Jorts Addiction, and it's not easy to overcome, but the first step is always admitting that you have a problem.

You have a problem. It's not easy, but your friend wants to help you. Be honest with him about what's going on in your life, and how you ended up high on jorts. Find the root of your addiction. Some people start because they want tan thighs, others because they watched the Dukes of Hazard, but, whatever the reason, you can't use it as an excuse to hold onto your addiction. I'm privately going to send you the numbers of a few specialists who can help you get out of jorts and back into real pants. It's scary, but please don't back down. It's a long road, but you know that you have at least one friend who will stay by your side.

Sincerely,
Sopo
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Rand

Sopo
Dec 14 2015, 12:59 AM
Dear Sopo,

I, along with many people, have found Rand's form of "procreation" to be unethical, inefficient and hinging on bio-cult levels. Will you foresee upon his totally biased trial in the HEM court?

Yours,
Minister of Excommunication


Dear Minister,

We here at Dear Sopo take ethics very seriously. Ethics are a serious threat to our society, and, as such, we have declared the Ask Sopo Writers' Room an "ethics-free zone." We hope taking these kinds of precautions will make sure that no one is subjected to ethics in the future. I salute Rand for his work fighting against ethics.

As a sloth, I have personally battled against efficiency my entire life. Efficiency prevents each individual from achieving their own true sloth potential, and I find that those who push efficiency are subconsciously biased against sloth-kind. I am happy to hear that Rand is working to stop this kind of discrimination.

I am personally unfamiliar with "bio-cult," but a quick google search leads me to believe that it is some kind of food supplement. Indeed, Rand's work fighting efficiency and ethics is almost as good as a food supplement. I can guarantee you that the Court will reward him for his excellent behavior and punish those who believe otherwise.

Sincerely,
Sopo
Sopo,

Thank you for supporting me in these hard times. Fighting against efficiency and ethics gets me a lot of hate from the taskmasters and half-decent people in this world.

Your deluded grandson,
- Rand
Deputy Minister of the Interior in charge of Manual Recruitment for Europeia
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