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What is your favorite joke?
Topic Started: May 12 2008, 03:42 PM (329 Views)
JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
This topic came to me at school today when Makkura,BoJoLo, and I were telling jokes to each other. Just post any of your favorite jokes. For example, I got this joke from Makkura:
Three guys are standing at heaven's gate, then St. Peter asks the first" Okay how did you die?"
1st guy: Okay, I came home from work one day and I knew my wife was cheating on me, so I checked the closet, the bathroom and finally the balcony and found him hanging on the other side. so I kicked his hands until he fell,but he landed in some bushes so I threw the fridge off the balcony after him and then had a heart attack.
Peter: Okay go on in. 2nd guy how did you die?
2nd guy: Okay, I'm on top of an apartment building,and then I fell off. Luckily, I grabbed onto a balcony ledge. Some guy came and started kicking my hands until I fell into some bushes. Then he threw a fridge at me.
Peter:Okay go on in.3rd guy how did you die?
3rd guy:Get this, I was in a fridge.
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Zikau
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The Evil Schemer
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

-

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

-

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
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You call me crazy like it's a bad thing...
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
:lol: :lol2: *rolling on floor LMAO* THATS FUNNY!!!
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Jejex
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Zuh
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but not on Fridays, I fish."
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L_O_V_E
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ThE CrAzY ChIcK!
favorite joke? the where u die LOL j/k how bout this 1?

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you!"
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AcidXIII
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Bishonen (punz lol)
*clears throat*

Guy and a girl are breaking up. As she leaves the guy asked, "Why are you breaking up with me"
"Because your a pedophile," replied the girl
"Well ain't that a big word for a nine year old," said the guy.
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L_O_V_E
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ThE CrAzY ChIcK!
AcidXIII
May 12 2008, 11:30 PM
*clears throat*

Guy and a girl are breaking up. As she leaves the guy asked, "Why are you breaking up with me"
"Because your a pedophile," replied the girl
"Well ain't that a big word for a nine year old," said the guy.

LOL :lol2:
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byron84
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Super Clucky
Three dudes robbed a bank here in America and were running for the border to Mexico to get away from the cops. On the way, they had lost the police and were hungry so they stopped by a Taco Bell. They all got burritos through the drive through, and as they were pulling back onto the road they got hit by a Semi (really really big truck) and perished. They all went to hell for obvious reasons, after all, they had just robbed a bank.

Satan greets them with a big smile and laughter that shook the flaming caverns of hell. Satan said "I am feeling merciful today. I will give each of you one wish, and if I am unable to grant that wish, you can have your life back on the surface. The only wishes you are not allowed to make are for me to kill somebody, grant you more wishes, or wish for me to return you to your life. We'll start with you." Satan points at a guy who is still eating his burritos. He shakes his head, and Satan says "Alright, fine, then YOU go."

The guy he points at thinks for a moment, then says "I wish for all the money in the world." Satan snaps his fingers, and the cavern, which is boundless, fills with every different kind of currency and coin, right to the brim. Then Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears in a puff of smoke. The money also disappears. Satan looks at the guy who is eating and once again asks him to speak his wish. The man shakes his head again, still eating his burrito. Satan sighs, then looks to the last guy.

The last guy, not waiting to be asked what his wish was, says "I wish to go to Heaven." Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears to find himself at the pearly gates. A second later, the guy disappears in a puff of smoke; he wished to be sent to Heaven, not to stay there. So finally, Satan looks at the last guy, who is crumpling up his burrito wrapper and putting it back in the bag. He smiles at Satan and thanks him for waiting.

Satan: "Well? What is your wish? I haven't got all day you know."

Burrito Guy: "You'll never be able to do this one."

Satan: "Just tell me what it is."

The burrito guy gets this hard, concentrated look on his face, and the cavern is suddenly filled with a loud, reverberating fart. After it is all over, Satan has this stunned look on his face, and the burrito guy says "Catch that and paint it purple, bub."

Satan snaps his fingers and the burrito guy wakes up in a hospital bed, the only survivor of the crash.
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Behold my tribute to NTAS
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
byron84
May 14 2008, 11:07 AM
Three dudes robbed a bank here in America and were running for the border to Mexico to get away from the cops. On the way, they had lost the police and were hungry so they stopped by a Taco Bell. They all got burritos through the drive through, and as they were pulling back onto the road they got hit by a Semi (really really big truck) and perished. They all went to hell for obvious reasons, after all, they had just robbed a bank.

Satan greets them with a big smile and laughter that shook the flaming caverns of hell. Satan said "I am feeling merciful today. I will give each of you one wish, and if I am unable to grant that wish, you can have your life back on the surface. The only wishes you are not allowed to make are for me to kill somebody, grant you more wishes, or wish for me to return you to your life. We'll start with you." Satan points at a guy who is still eating his burritos. He shakes his head, and Satan says "Alright, fine, then YOU go."

The guy he points at thinks for a moment, then says "I wish for all the money in the world." Satan snaps his fingers, and the cavern, which is boundless, fills with every different kind of currency and coin, right to the brim. Then Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears in a puff of smoke. The money also disappears. Satan looks at the guy who is eating and once again asks him to speak his wish. The man shakes his head again, still eating his burrito. Satan sighs, then looks to the last guy.

The last guy, not waiting to be asked what his wish was, says "I wish to go to Heaven." Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears to find himself at the pearly gates. A second later, the guy disappears in a puff of smoke; he wished to be sent to Heaven, not to stay there. So finally, Satan looks at the last guy, who is crumpling up his burrito wrapper and putting it back in the bag. He smiles at Satan and thanks him for waiting.

Satan: "Well? What is your wish? I haven't got all day you know."

Burrito Guy: "You'll never be able to do this one."

Satan: "Just tell me what it is."

The burrito guy gets this hard, concentrated look on his face, and the cavern is suddenly filled with a loud, reverberating fart. After it is all over, Satan has this stunned look on his face, and the burrito guy says "Catch that and paint it purple, bub."

Satan snaps his fingers and the burrito guy wakes up in a hospital bed, the only survivor of the crash.

Halarious! :lol: :lol2: LMAO *rolls on floor laughing*
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BoJoLo
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ureshii, akiaki suru...(watashi wa tochimasu desu)
I know a good joke but its no good without an accent of an indian :P
jake, you know it. its the one about the prospector :lol2:
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
BoJoLo
Jun 2 2008, 07:07 AM
I know a good joke but its no good without an accent of an indian :P
jake, you know it. its the one about the prospector :lol2:

The prospector? :huh: *thinks* :idk:
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BoJoLo
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ureshii, akiaki suru...(watashi wa tochimasu desu)
the one about the indians.....and the cheif.....
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
BoJoLo
Jun 2 2008, 07:39 AM
the one about the indians.....and the cheif.....

*Thinks really hard, thinks harder, thinks so hard that brain explodes* Im sorry, I can't remember. :cry:
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BoJoLo
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ureshii, akiaki suru...(watashi wa tochimasu desu)
:o

whats the point of telling a joke if you wont remember it :rolleyes:
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
BoJoLo
Jun 2 2008, 08:00 AM
:o

whats the point of telling a joke if you wont remember it :rolleyes:

I know, I can't remember anything past a month at the most :cry: :cry: :cry:
Its so frustrating. :angry:
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BoJoLo
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ureshii, akiaki suru...(watashi wa tochimasu desu)
for shame for shame :idk:
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CrimsonCat101
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Your Voice of Reason
byron84
May 14 2008, 11:07 AM
Three dudes robbed a bank here in America and were running for the border to Mexico to get away from the cops. On the way, they had lost the police and were hungry so they stopped by a Taco Bell. They all got burritos through the drive through, and as they were pulling back onto the road they got hit by a Semi (really really big truck) and perished. They all went to hell for obvious reasons, after all, they had just robbed a bank.

Satan greets them with a big smile and laughter that shook the flaming caverns of hell. Satan said "I am feeling merciful today. I will give each of you one wish, and if I am unable to grant that wish, you can have your life back on the surface. The only wishes you are not allowed to make are for me to kill somebody, grant you more wishes, or wish for me to return you to your life. We'll start with you." Satan points at a guy who is still eating his burritos. He shakes his head, and Satan says "Alright, fine, then YOU go."

The guy he points at thinks for a moment, then says "I wish for all the money in the world." Satan snaps his fingers, and the cavern, which is boundless, fills with every different kind of currency and coin, right to the brim. Then Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears in a puff of smoke. The money also disappears. Satan looks at the guy who is eating and once again asks him to speak his wish. The man shakes his head again, still eating his burrito. Satan sighs, then looks to the last guy.

The last guy, not waiting to be asked what his wish was, says "I wish to go to Heaven." Satan snaps his fingers and the guy disappears to find himself at the pearly gates. A second later, the guy disappears in a puff of smoke; he wished to be sent to Heaven, not to stay there. So finally, Satan looks at the last guy, who is crumpling up his burrito wrapper and putting it back in the bag. He smiles at Satan and thanks him for waiting.

Satan: "Well? What is your wish? I haven't got all day you know."

Burrito Guy: "You'll never be able to do this one."

Satan: "Just tell me what it is."

The burrito guy gets this hard, concentrated look on his face, and the cavern is suddenly filled with a loud, reverberating fart. After it is all over, Satan has this stunned look on his face, and the burrito guy says "Catch that and paint it purple, bub."

Satan snaps his fingers and the burrito guy wakes up in a hospital bed, the only survivor of the crash.

ROFL :lol:
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made by me ^^
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CanadianWondah
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An Original Member
I got one.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.
I can Haz Cookie Naow? No Cookies?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!? DIIIIEEEEEEEE!

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BoJoLo
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ureshii, akiaki suru...(watashi wa tochimasu desu)
Im too lazy to read so much @_@

those jokes are so long.... :drop:
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JakeHeatfist
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the sugar king
CanadianWondah
Jun 2 2008, 01:02 PM
I got one.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

ROFL :lol: :lol2:
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