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Can Anybody Hear Me; By Pepper
Topic Started: Jul 13 2010, 12:58 AM (265 Views)
Pepper
Member Avatar
Animal geek
[ *  * ]
Chapter 1
Can Anybody Tell Me?

Ha, my parents just sent me this diary. This note was tucked inside, "Write everything done in here, hope it helps. From your loving parents." Loving? Ha, not! They put me in here!! I mean just because they think I needed serious help does not mean they should just abandon me for 2 years here! It hasn't even helped me, first of I'm not sure in what I need help. Maybe, in my problems…Ok, that’s kind of self-explanatory but really do I have that many issues that they can't fix them?
I know I have problems, but I don't know how to fix them, or if I really want to. I thought that my life was awesome, at least till about 3 years ago. Maybe, that's where this all started. Everything just started to not work. My whole world just crumbled in about me and I couldn't do anything to fix it for everything I tried, failed, just made it worse in the end.
I guess I'll tell you why I'm here. Let's start 3 years ago, when my world started to crumble. You see, I was a junior in high school but not in public school, no my friend's mom home schooled me. There were 5 kids younger than my friend and I in this little 'school'. I was a church going girl at that time as well. This little 'school' was a Christian one so I learned about God and all. I knew Bible stories quite well, and I could recite verses as well. The only problem was I felt weird, different, hurt. I was over weight, and that was always a problem for me that no one ever understood.
I was never in charge, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be like a normal junior in high school kid. I couldn't go out with friends unless it was Friday. I couldn't date or anything like that. Anyways, I never expected someone to ask me out since I was overweight. Once a really nice and respectable guy that goes to our church, Jonathan, asked me out. Could I say yes? No. But I did, then my parents found out and grounded me for a month. Grounded me from what?
A voice calling my name stopped my writing. "Annika! It's time for lunch get down here!"
Sighing I get up and walk out of my 'beautiful' white room. As I trudge down the stairs to the dining room, I almost get knocked over by Lily, a snotty girl, in here for who knows what. She makes a face and says, "Watch where you're going, fat cutter!"
She hurries on her way and I just roll my eyes, and continue on my way as well. Later, after a frustrating lunchtime, with Miss Snotty (Lily), who sits next to me, I'm sitting back up in my room. I'm even continuing writing in the diary for some reason.
Here it goes, I think as I start again. My pen slowly scratches across the page. Where was I? Oh, yes I remember now. Grounded from what? I asked my self. I had nowhere to go, nothing that I had to miss, what were they grounding me from? I soon discovered that they were grounding me from my phone, my friends, and my computer.
The things that a normal teenager girl needs most! Crushed and angry, I stopped speaking to my parents. I locked my self into my room for most of the day. At meals, I never spoke; I eat quickly, used the bathroom and then once again retreated to my dungeon. I went to school, but never ever spoke, started to fail in my schoolwork.
My friend and my father tried to talk to me but I wouldn't listen, wouldn't look at them. I went back to my dungeon. I didn't know why I was being mean to my friend but I was. I hated everyone, even God. I couldn't believe they had let this happen to me, that He would let this happen to me.
Later, that day I heard the door shut and my parent's car leave. They had gone to their night classes at church. Angrily, I sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I remembered something and I got off my bed and went to my dresser. I opened the top drawer and took out my knife. As it lay there in my hand I stared at it. It seemed to beckon me. I shook my head, what was I doing? But I continued to stare at the knife in my hand, not able to take my eyes off it.
I was confused. I had heard about cutters, and how cutting made them feel in power, to feel better. How did that work? Does work? I wondered. Maybe I could try it, just once. A little voice in my head said, No, don't do it, you know better! But, the other voice was beckoning to me. Do it, do it! Come on, just once, you never have to do it again!
I finally gave in and opened the knife. Where to cut, though? I stared at my arms and shook my head. No, not there, I always wore short-sleeved shirts so that would not work. I glanced at my legs. Yes, there I decided. That should work; I always wear pants or long skirts. That day, I was wearing a skirt, so I pulled it up and sat down on my bed. I thought for a moment and realized that I would need something to wipe the blood with. I stood up, pulled down my skirt, walked to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet.
I pulled the skirt up one more time and readied the knife in my right hand. I took a deep breath and lowered it to my skin. A little voice screamed, No, don't!! But, I ignored it as I lowered the knife and sliced neatly into my skin. I had always had a low tolerance for pain, so I almost screamed with the pain, but I clenched my teeth and a loud squeak of pain escaped my lips. The strange thing was that, as the blood trickled out of the small, thin line, a feeling washed over me. A feeling of power and relief flowed through me. All of my anger and hate seemed to trickle out as I bled.
As I pressed a wad of tissue onto the cut, a soft smile eased its way onto my lips. I placed a bandage over it and stood up, pushing my skirt back down. I carefully washed the blade of my knife off and dried it off so that it would not rust. I walked out of the bathroom, into my room, where I laid down on my bed. I stared at this ceiling, but this time I felt better than I had in a while. That wasn't so bad, I thought, it hurt, but if I ever have to do it again, it won't hurt so much, I know it. I placed my knife on my dresser and fell into a dreamless sleep.
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Pepper
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Animal geek
[ *  * ]
((Still writing the next chapter))
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