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+ If Love Was Fair+
Topic Started: Apr 13 2018, 08:38 PM (27 Views)
FemmeIcon

##I wouldn't be replaying what it was and what it wasn't##

##Or thinking I could change it if I only saw it coming##

##It wouldn't take everything I have to rise above it##

##There'd be some kind of peace##

##Yeah, there'd be some kind of justice##



##If love was fair##




Atlanta, Ga – Week of April 9th – Apathy's Home



++It wasn't losing that bothered me. Never a champion there was that never lost a match. You never will them all and if you do you best believe someone in management has their hand in the cookie jar. I respected Dawn. She needed a break. She needed that win not for appearances, but for her self-esteem. You notice a lot back stage. You get to know who is having domestic issues, who is probably going into alcohol rehab, who needs to lay off the recreational weed. You also get to learn their demons. You know who the women batterers are, the gold diggers, the gays who feel they need to stay in the closet, the lesbains who have to deal with the constant barrage of men saying they can turn them straight just give them one night. You even know there is at least one pedophile and one murderer back there, you just can never be sure who. Backstage life isn 't all catering, making fun of Razor Sharps big pants, and measuring epic beards. There's demons lurking in the shadows. I am not just talking about The Red either. I was sitting at home, in my Atlanta apartment, alone. Management felt I needed some downtime. I think they knew I was struggling and they needed me in my best form for the Pay Per View. What they didn't realize was, Shaw never came. I asked one simple grace and was ignored. Since then I had been contemplating my future in RWR. Was staying in a company where the love of my life worked, but now so detested me, worth it? What management didn't realize was, that Pay Per View match may very well be my last in RWR. The situation was not changing yet I was still paying the full weight of the price and it was too heavy and expensive for my taste. I had been sober, fully sober, for years, all that was gone now. I laid on my sofa, upside down, drinking moonshine from a spill proof, leak proof, novelty glass. My hair messed up, my nail polish chipped, wearing just a black satin long line bra and matching vintage style panties with an open art deco reproduction robe. I was beyond fucked up. Mascara was smeared and black tears stained my pale white cheeks. My long wear lipstick had been smudged. I looked like a drunken whore mime. I closed my eyes as I listened to the same song on repeat, quietly singing along++



Elizabeth: "Take it out on me, and put your lips on mine. Let me take his wrong, and make it right this time....."



"The dangers of giving your heart and soul away. You can't take them back and you don't want them back and you can't find a distraction in another mans arms because the guilt and disgust consumes you. There is no justice for me in this. All endings point to a long lasting pain and suffering for me. I don't even think carving my own heart out and handing it to him with my last dying breath would change his mind. I could carve his name, into my chest, right across my heart and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. His mind is solid. What kind of fucked up reality is this? In the past I wouldn't have hesitated to destroy him. I would have struck out in a blind rage, set on ruining him, his life, and everything he holds dear. I've done it so many damn times!!! I just want everything to go back to the way it was......"



???: But you know it isn't, Mami.....



++I turned my head lethargically to see my ex-husband and the father of my daughter standing there. I blinked a few times then turned my head back upwards. There was no joy here. He sighed heavily and walked behind the sofa and leaned over, looking down at me++



Jorge: You weren't answering your texts, or calls. We all began to fear the worst. I came alone because if, I had come here to find you had taken your own life, I wanted it handled with dignity and not turned into a media circus. The whole plane here I had visions of you hanging in a closet or dead in a bath tub from open wounds. I hate that I ever even have to ask how I would find you if I found you had actually killed yourself. And it still enrages me that people seem to think it is funny to take bets on when, where and how you will do it like your life has no more meaning then a game of fuckin' Clue! Lizzy, I know you got a gun here. I bought it for you when Bel was stalking you. Where is it?



Elizabeth: It is still in the lock box, loaded with a single bullet...for my Valentyne.




Jorge: Shame ya didn't fuckin' use it on him. He deserved it.



Elizabeth: I'm passive.



Jorge: What?



Elizabeth: I'm not actively suicidal. I am passively suicidal. Passive thoughts of suicide. Not wanting to harm myself. Just not wake up. You can only fail at suicide so many times before you lose interest. Active attempts are blasé. Being passive about it is more healthy. It's healthy to acknowledge it. If you don't it usually leads to active attempts.



Jorge: You fell off the sobriety wagon I see. I can't really fuckin' blame you. You are a strong and resilient woman Lizzy but even you have your limits and it is obvious you have reached it. You have to release all that pent up frustration and anger somehow.



++I looked up at him and he had those eyes. Those deep dark Latino eyes. I knew where he was heading and if this was a different point in my life I would say yes in a heart beat but we had both been down that road too many times to not know how it always ended and we had a daughter to consider++


Elizabeth: Jorge, we agreed, no more. It's too mentally and emotionally straining on the both of us and our main focus is Annika. We can't let sex get in the way of that. She deserves better. And we agreed to stop torturing and punishing ourselves.



Jorge: That is the first time you have ever told me no. You really did change after you married Thomas. You knew he was running around on you, because you couldn't conceive and you stayed faithful. What happened Liz? You never really said what happened?



Elizabeth: Medication, therapy, acupuncture, a lifestyle change. That's when I started doing MMA. Channeling my aggression. I knew why he was cheating, it hurt, but I couldn't stop him. I would have not gotten a single thing from doing the same, except guilt and sexual satisfaction, but yet nothing would be changed. There was no point. I knew he would eventually leave and that my father would help him. The first time I ever shared a bed with a man after he left was when he was declared officially dead. It was okay then. There was nothing being done wrong.



Jorge: Now look at you. Drunk. High. You're broken and depressed. It kills me to see you like this. And that pendejo Shaw, he never came eh? Too much a pussy to face you? What kind of man is that? Eoin really thinks you'd fuck a nutless cocksucker like that? Your honor was disrespected in public by that puto Libby and who came to your defense? Has anyone even checked in on you??



Elizabeth: Kimiko-san has been sending Happy Meals and Japanese snacks.



Jorge: One person. Shaw has never once defended your honor has he? He's a bitch Liz! He is more offended that Libby would insult him with those accusations than actually stepping up and being a fuckin' man and goin' to bat for you! Liz, Joe is irate. Him and Jose both want some good old fashioned Latino street justice. You're their familia Liz. You've been dishonored and disrespected, publicly. You're the mother of my daughter. My ex-wife. My friend. My greatest love. I come here and I see you like this and I get why they want to do this the street way.



Elizabeth: Jorge, I don't need anyone to fight my battles for me. I just have to make a decision of whether the next Pay Per View will be my last match or not. Like you said, nothing is ever going to go back the way it was.



Jorge: This ain't a fuckin' battle Liz, this is a fuckin' war! You need soldiers on the lines ready to fight for you. Whose going to stand with you there? Nobody. You shouldn't have to walk out on a company because of two stubborn jackasses!



Elizabeth: It isn't worth it Jorge. It really isn't.



++I had forgotten that the song was on repeat. A silence fell between us for a minute or two as Jorge stood there, his head cocked to the side, staring down at me between my legs which now hung over the back of the sofa. He got a funny look on his face and suddenly leaned down further, looking me dead in the eyes++



Jorge: Have you thought about it?



Elizabeth: About what?




Jorge: Shaw. Have you thought about screwing him?



Elizabeth: What!? Why would I sleep with him? What's more why would he sleep with Eoins girlfriend?



Jorge: EX girlfriend. You aren't tied down to anyone anymore. Eoin made that choice for you. So, have you thought about it?



Elizabeth: No! Of course not!!



Jorge: Are you sure Liz??



++He nodded towards my smart TV and the song. A smirk crept across his face++



Jorge: I know you as well as you know me. It's crossed your mind. If not him then someone in that company. You are very obviously broken up about Eoin, but there is more to this. You're fighting back something. You're punishing yourself. No amount of therapy can ever remove revenge from a woman. I can see it in your eyes. You have that darkness that is dying to lose all control. You can't touch him in that ring, but you can kill him in many other ways. You know what I'm talking about. We spent years together off and on. I've watched you practice your very particular skills numerous times. He is already convinced you have fucked someone. You're scott free Liz.



Elizabeth: It would prove nor solve anything Jorge!!!



Jorge: Who cares? Eoin made his choice. You're a free woman. You can do whatever you please. You have no allegiance to him anymore. Make that call Liz. Give in to it. I'm staying at a hotel here in town. I left my room # on my card table. Make that call Liz. Quit worrying about someone who isn't worried about you. Put your needs and wants first. Nobody else is going too.



++I watched him as he left. His heart was in the right place but for me, none of it was worth the effort. A few weeks away, my "services" are on the line. Whatever the hell that means. No services have been exchanged, nor will they be. Unless that service is putting beer on ice. It's obvious I have no dog in this fight. I don't exist. I'm just getting drug along for the ride. After all, I'm just a stupid woman with emotions and feelings, fuck that. Watching two men beat the shit out of each other over words said and paranoia thought is far more important. It's like we're taking steps backward in time. No. It is very obvious where I stand in the thick of things++



Elizabeth: I think some people need to be reminded that I am a human being, not a piece of property to dangle over a ring like a prize. I'm tired of being a chalk out line that's fading away while two grown men fight over who shot me first. Clarity. Finally.
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