| The Dino Queen; First Ten chapters of my book | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 30 2016, 09:53 PM (51 Views) | |
| DinoQueen | Nov 30 2016, 09:53 PM Post #1 |
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So yeah, if the first chapter peeked your curiosity at all, here are the first ten chapters of my book. Chapter 2 is edited I think, but the grammar isn't perfect in this because it's a very rough draft. Sorry for mistakes in advance. I look forward to your feedback! Don't be afraid to bash it if you feel like it deserves it. As much as I'm probably act sensitive and defensive, I don't mean it. I really really appreciate everyone's feedback. It gives me a new outlook that I can't see myself. Just, sometimes it's hard to accept at first. Edited by DinoQueen, Mar 19 2017, 07:12 PM.
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| SoulReaver | Dec 1 2016, 09:06 PM Post #2 |
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Thoughts while I'm reading (No particular page numbers, because WordPad has no pages.): Prologue: You get the emotional shock, but it last for a very short time, which I feel like cheapens the death of whoeverthisis. Addressing the power, the fact that she rules over dinosaurs, and this bone crown seems to detract from the emotional hardness. Chapter One: How much time has passed between the prologue and chapter one? I'm only asking because she seems pretty happy with life and being the dinosaur queen and all which earlier she looked at as an unwanted task. I'd be pretty sad every time I thought 'Hey, I'm queen.' because I know it would mean that Dad isn't there anymore, or who I assume to be. Then again, I'm a depressive writer, and you seem to have a more light an airy tone. Also you use the word creature a lot. Haven't we established these are dinosaurs already in the prologue? The creature is a very ineffective way to dub something. It describes it very little and honestly could mean something that looks like just about anything. Even adding modifiers on to it, it doesn't make it clear what it is. Considering we're seeing this from Dee Dee's point of view anyway, the idea that they're dinosaurs shouldn't be a mystery. I'd like to point out there's also a somewhat uneven tone in the first chapter as well. The transition from fat jokes to the death of a gilder dude wasn't particularly subtle, and the explanation of where the glider came from seems somewhat irrelevant and doesn't lend to the worldbuilding much. I'd give a page number, but again, WordPad. The reference to the Dad is a start, I guess. I'm still not sure how long it has been. On my previous comment, using dinosaur names is a much better practice. Considering she would know her close friend's naming conventions, that what she should use. Then, on top of that, you can describe the dinosaur the way you would any person like you did somewhat. I can see where they're coming from with the cutting Ori off thing, that was kind of harsh and dismissive. If that's how you were looking to play her, I'd say leave it. The bored, dismissive nature I can see too. She doesn't seem to like helping dinosaurs, he main job in life. she has a great time flying and goofing off, but when her job calls, that happiness goes away. Chapter Two: (Unread) |
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| DinoQueen | Apr 3 2017, 02:23 PM Post #3 |
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I wanted to mention that I recently updated this with an edited copy of the story (as well as a very revamped first chapter) just in case anyone wants to see if I've improved it at all or anything. |
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The_Dino_Queen__Base_copy_C1_10_Vr._1_.docx (198.21 KB)



1:23 PM Jul 11