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---LINK; ...what have I created!? I'M SO SORRY
Topic Started: September 20, 2011, 1:34 am (734 Views)
Link
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RUN FROM THE GUARDIANS, RUN RUN RUN RUN
you;
name;...(SHO D:<)
contact information;...(skype: tastelesstetrahedron)
other characters;....! (Sho and Nao.)

basics;
name; Link
age; Varies (most likely 19ish since I'll probably end up mostly being TP Link)
occupation; herro HERO, Conductor, Mailman, Prisoner, Mail Sorter, Herder, Triforce of Courage, etc, etc.
race; Hylian (Like humans, but with elf ears and magic. MOTHER. FUCKING. MAGIC.)

in depth;
appearance;; The reincarnations of Link have always looked different, though the traits that they all share is the Hylian ears which are pointed and the signature hero's clothing which consists of a green tunic, brown leather boots, and green hat. For the sake of convenience, I shall humor you all with a description of EVERY LINK THERE HAS EVER BEEN.

Legend of Zelda/Adventure of Link: This is pretty much the OG Link game-wise. He sports some nice brown locks and looks really boss. I mean, seriously. He has a ton of items and is known for not wearing any pants. NONE. AT ALL. Age-wise I have NO IDEA how old this Link is. He can be anywhere from ten to fifteen, honestly. The art is much too old-school for me to tell, anyways.

Link to the Past/Link's Awakening: This Link, again, wears no pants, but does have nice hair. Rather than a dingy brown, he sports a faaaaabulous head of golden brown hair. His tunic is very plain, honestly, and his belt is nothing to write home about....but Link's Awakening is so sad the plainness is almost forgiven. Age-wise, this Link is probably a bit older than the original Link, though the age is still very much a mystery to me.

Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask: This Link is known as the original Link (story-wise...ALTHOUGH NOW WITH SKYWARD SWORD THE TIMELINE IS PRETTY MESSED UP, DAMN IT). His hair is actually blonde in this game, with his bangs parted in the middle. Child Link sports no pants and is relatively plain like the other Links through time, though Adult Link adds a bit of UMPF to his looks. His tunic is accented with a nice pair of tights, a white undershirt, a pair of fingerless leather gloves, and not one, but TWO belts. Not to mention He has not one but THREE different outfits. Talk about running around Hyrule in style. There's green, red, and blue. Not only do they beautifully accent his features, but get this: THEY HELP THE BROTHER OUT. Green tunic is for show. Nothing special, but still nice to kick some major redead ass. The blue one. WATER BREATHING POWERS. Put on that tunic and Link can breathe in water, no strings attached. The red one? FIRE. Suddenly Link can go running on lava. AND GUESS WHAT! He's not affected at all. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. Kid Link travels to the land of Termina and guess what he finds? MASKS THAT CHANGE HIS FORM (...and just regular ol' masks as well). So now instead of just tunics, he has full-on FORM CHANGES. Sometimes he wakes up on the Dawn of the First Day and thinks to himself "SHEEEEEEET, I wanna be a Deku today." That motherfucker goes and does just that. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but that's the power of magic, baby. Deku Link looks like some kind of emo with blond hair, no shirt (fanservice?), oversized hat, and miniskirt. Then comes Goron Link with the spirit of Darumi. This Link sports a beard that rivals hobos for gnarliness and white hair that rival Beethoven in shape and size. Not only that, but he rocks a nice miniskirt and no shirt (f-fanservice....?). He sports a nice beaded necklace around his goro-neck (DO GORONS HAVE NECKS?), purple in color. He's still sporting some gloves and unlike the Deku Link, this Goron Link is actually wearing SHOES. That's one badass motherfucker right there if I ever did see one. And then comes the Zora Link. The fan-favorite. He's there wooing women that didn't even know they liked Zoras with his no-shirt fanservice and MINI-SKIRT. If Roy Mustang saw all these miniskirts he'd approve instantly. This Link has gills. GILLS. Mother. Fucking. Gills. And fins. 'Dem fins allow him to do flips and shit through the water. What's that? Goron Link can't touch the water? TOUGH SHIT WEAR THE ZORA MASK. This Link is blue and green in appearance, and looks much the same as a regular male Zora. The main difference, however, is the addition of actual clothing to this Zora and a long head-fin...thing...which resembles Link's signature hat. Boots and gloves. This Link knows how to accessorize. Along with those masks comes the mask of a deity. No. Joke. You think this bad ass motherfucker would kid around like that? HELL NO. He puts it on and INSTANT PUBERTY. He ages instantly, loses the blond in place of a more subtle white, gets adventurous with the lipstick, wears damn gray tunic, a breast plate with the moon and a star on each moob, BLUE DAMNED UNDERSHIRT, big-ass sword that looks like FUCKING DNA. What's that coming at you? IS THAT FUCKING DNA? Sliced in the throat with a fucking DNA sword. Motherfucker knows what’s going down. Yeah, who cares how lame a fucking star on his chest looks. This deity gon' fuck up yo' shit so hard you wish you could just run away. BUT YOU CAN'T RUN FROM A GOD. He'll find you. Him and his brown leather books which he'll use to kick yo' ass. Fingerless gloves? FUCK THAT SHIT. He's so godly he can afford gloves that have FINGERS on them. And tri-colored. Where's your god now? UP IN YOUR FACE ABOUT TO FUCK YOU UP, THAT'S WHERE. On the moon. The mother fucking MOON. Slicing apart Majora then taking the remains and eating them. RAW. Then, of course, come the regular-grade masks that only change Link's appearance as far as his face goes. Pretty trippy stuff can go down, though. Fairy Mask with fucking shine when there are fairies around. What's the mask look like? You know those N64-graphic pink fairies that haunt your nightmares to this very day? You know those goddesses that wore nothing but VINES? You know those fairies that would laugh demonically, reminding you to never return to their spring again? YEAH. THOSE FAIRIES. Then there's Kafei's mask which looks absolutely nothing like the lovable drunkard, yet everyone seems to recognize it (swear it's a conspiracy with Madame Aroma or something). And there's a sea of other masks which I will not explain. Age-wise, this Link, as a child, is about ten to twelve (the reason there is no definite age is because in one guide book I own it states this Link is ten, though in Wind Waker it states that the WW Link embarked on a journey at the same age of the previous Link, the Hero of Time. FFFF- INCONSISTENCIES). This would make the Adult Link around seventeen to nineteen years old. Seems Legit.

tl;dr
A RANT ABOUT HOW AMAZING LINK IS, 'NUFF SAID.

Oracles: This Link is pretty chill compared to his predecessor in terms of appearance. The main difference with this Link and many other Links of previous games: HE WEARS TIGHTS. His hair is golden and poofy much the same way a Pomeranian looks after a very good washing. Age-wise he seems to be about ten or twelve, though this is a video game from Japan. Looking ten or twelve can mean he's already eighteen or a full-on age thirty-two adult. For the sake of our sanity, however, let's just assume about eleven. Nice middle.

Four Swords/Adventure: This Link is what started up some cartoony controversy within the Zelda-verse. The other Links were becoming more realistic and then THIS MOTHERFUCKER COMES. These four Links don't play by the rules. That's right, you heard correctly. FOUR. LINKS. Four whole Links with ill-proportioned bodies and cute faces that are probably the cutest things to ever fuck up yo' shit. The first Link, the ORIGINAL, is the regular green-clad young man we've all come to know in love in a convenient chibi form. Then there comes the RED Link. Yeah, that's all nice and dandy. No real difference between the Link other than the color and the voice change between the two. That's right. Red is higher-pitched. Then comes good ol' Blue. He's up in there like a boss doing his own thang. His voice is slightly lower than Green Link's voice. AND THEN. OH SHIIIIIIII- PURPLE. LINK. He's pretty much the drop-out Link Nintendo was obligated to throw it as the 4th amigo. Nothing up with Purple Link other than his voice. TWO FULL OCTAVES LOWER THAN GREEN LINK. As far as age goes, these four Links appear to be around ten to twelve (once again). Nothing out of the ordinary here, son.

Wind Waker/Phantom Hourglass: THIS LINK. The Link with the personality. That is how this one shall always be remembered. Yeah, yeah. He's decked out in the hero's tunic, TIGHTS, and everything. The clothes are a bit too hot and itchy for island-living, BUT TOUGH SHIT. This Link doesn't really have anything special, which is why they had to add so much personality to this one, but he's a Link with character, what can you say? O RIGHT. Once his story has been completed what does he do? Go back home and relax on the island with his grandma and sister? NO. He goes off AGAIN on the same quest. Only THIS time he wears his street clothes. That's right. Saving Hyrule in his pajamas. He's up there stabbing Gannondorf in the head WHILE WEARING HIS FUCKING NIGHTY. His hair is bright, vibrant yellow, not even blond. Nice and fluffy. Windswept, though that's fine considering he spends half the game on the ocean, FUCK WHY ISN'T THE CYCLOS DUDE WILLING TO GIVE ME HIS POWERS OF TELEPORTATION YET!? Age-wise this Link starts his journey when he's ten or twelve. Due to inconsistencies STATED ABOVE IN THAT WALL OF TEXT, we cannot be entirely sure. It is more or less accepted, however, that he is twelve years old.

Minish Cap: Another cartoony Link with horrible body proportions yet somehow cute and lovable. Appearance-wise, he looks quite the same as Wind Waker Link, with darker, fluffier hair and a hat that's actually part bird. No, you heard correctly. BIRD. It has a beak and everything. Get this: that hat? It SPEAKS. What sort of black magic is that, fuuuuuuuuuuuck! Age-wise, this Link is, like many others, around ten or twelve years old.

Twilight Princess/Crossbow Bla Bla Bla: ENTER ADULT LINK AT BEGINNING OF GAME AND HOARD OF SQUEALING FANGIRLS. This Link is one bad ass mother fucker. You thought OoT/MM Link was badass? Well, this Link ain't no candyass. This Link looks like a MAN. Not some '64 graphics, neither. His hair is a dirty blond, with his bangs swept to the side like some sort of mother fucking actor. His eyes, unlike the other Links in time, are actually worth mentioning. Why? MOTHER FUCKING BEAST EYES, THAT'S WHY. Other Links look nice and relatively friendly (ho gawd the OoT Link looked like he wanted to rip out my soul), this Link got a little friendly with the guyliner. It's alright, though, dudes. It really brings out the color in his eyes. DAT ASS EYES. Tunic-wise, this one looks the hottest. NOT JOKING, MAN. Also he's trippin' belts. MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING BELTS. He's got so many belts he didn't know what to do with 'em so he wrapped 'em around his shoulder. That's some badassery right there. This Link was all "FUCK YOU ALL AND YO' TIGHTS." He wears white pants (PLEASE LET THEM BE PANTS) under his tunic. Gloves? CHECK. BOOTS. MOTHER FUCKER GOT TWO PAIRS. He got the Blue tunic and the horrible-looking mask that goes along with it. He got the rupee-eating tunic that makes him damned INVINCIBLE. Fuck going to Ganondorf and being worried. If you don't use the fishing rod trick THIS WILL MAKE YOU WIN 100% OF THE TIME. Fuck Hylian races, this Link becomes a mother fucking WOLF. You read right. A wolf, MOTHER. FUCKER. He wears chains like a MAN. Kicking in the face of all spirits. In wolf form, this Link can see fucking SCENTS. And talk to ANIMALS. That cuckoo? Yeah, it hates your shit. The cats? They hate your shit even more. Every animal hates your shit, even Epona. AND SHE KNOWS IT'S YOU IN WOLF FORM, FFFUUUUUUUUUU-....Age-wise this Link is the oldest (as far as released games go), being around seventeen to nineteen. That seems canon. LET'S MAKE IT NINETEEN FOR THE LOVE OF SHO.

Spirit Tracks: CONDUCTOR OUTFIT. 'Nuff said. he looks so cute in the opening scenes in his wittle conductor hat and ringing the bell...I actually never finished the game because I thought it was more fun to explode the trains on the track then do anything else, OH FUUUUU-

Skyward Sword: Looks like a pudgy version of the TP Link, but colored like the WW Link. Age-wise is confirmed to be the oldest Link, though by how much is still unclear. Can't be much older than 20, can he? Link? Link!? LIIIIIIIIINNNNKKKKK!!!!!
[EDIT]
OKAY, THIS LINK MAY POSSIBLY BE THE COOLEST MOTHER FUCKING LINK. EVER. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT THOSE PLUMP LIPS. Know what? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT!? HE'S GOTTTA MOTHER FUCKIN' GIANT-ASS NOSE AND HE IS WORKIN' IT SO YOU SHUT THE HELL UP. He's got gadgets and gizmos, I don't even. Seriously, I have played the game maybe thirty minutes and I'm this in love rite nao. FUCKIN' FUCK. AMAZING LOOK AT HIS GUYLINER. His fuckin' hair is always amazing, even in that wind. LOOK AT THAT. SOME SORT OF BROWNISH BLOND, I JUST WANNA RUN MY HANDS THROUGH IT, IT LOOKS SO FLUFFY. Also this Link is really pudgy. Like, seriously. He needs to go on a diet because that stamina gauge is just telling me that he needs to lay off those damn donuts.

Link: The Faces of Evil: OH GOD, NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!? GET THE FUCK OFF OF THIS RIGHT NOW. THIS IS THE MOST EVIL GAME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND ALL TRACES OF THIS GAME SHOULD BE BURNED. "WELL EXCUUUUUUUSEEEE MEEE, PRINCESS." NO. YOU GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET AND LIFE RIGHT NOW, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT GAME. NOT EVEN GANONDORF WOULD BE WILLING TO BUY THAT GAME AND HE'S COMPLETELY EVIL. EEEVVVIIIIILLLLL. FUCK YOU, CD-i. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I HATE PHILIPS. THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WORLD MORE EVIL THAN THIS GAME. I'VE FELT SAFER IN THE DEEP BOWELS OF A POKEMON CAVE WITH NO REPELS. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. FUCKING EVERY STEP I TAKE, THERE'S A ZUBAT.

picture;
Spoiler: click to toggle


personality; A natural-born hero-type. Other than that Link is probably the most personality-deprived character that's ever been created. Ocarina of Time Link and every one of his predecessors had NO PERSONALITY. Not even with that fucking fish chick said they're both getting married. You know what he did? FUCKING NOTHING. Wind Waker Link had the most personality by a LONG SHOT. His facial features in the game were honestly enough to CRACK ME THE FUCK UP. His stare. HIS STARE.
Spoiler: click to toggle
He'd pretty much hope around being a badass and attempted to be cool when the Master Sword was all chill again. TOO BAD HE'S BETTER AS A DERP. Twilight Princess Link seemed more serious business, but he was still a derp at heart. WE ALL COULD FEEL IT. He just didn't have it in him to actually be as serious as that one spirit guide dude wanted him to be. What seems to be constant as far as personality goes is the fact that Link is the silent-hero type. He doesn't need to speak in order to get his point across and is more concerned over doing what is right over what he desires. Of course, there is that one circus dude in Twilight Princess who says something along the lines of Link having a beautiful speaking voice.....

GUESS WHO HAS PERSONALITY? SS LINK DOES, MOTHER FUCKERS.

Going to also take this chance to explain a little something about our beloved TP Link.
Yeah, yeah, he's got NO personality? Well guess what, THAT'S FALSE. Get this shit: he saves his bay-bees. He's more LITERALLY a papa wolf and you best not be stealin' his babies unless you want a ton of Hylian sword shoved down your throat. Collin, Elisabeth, and those two brothers I can't remember the name of. Yeah. That's right. They're pretty much set for like with an older brother figure like Link. NEVER MESS WITH THEM 'CAUSE LINK IS GON' FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS IF YOU DO.

history;
This is but one of the legends of which the people speak...
Long ago, there existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden.
It was a prosperous land blessed with green forests, tall mountains, and peace.
But one day a man of great evil found this golden power and took it for himself...
With it's power at his command, he spread darkness across the kingdom.
But then, when all hope had died and the hour of doom seemed in hand...
...a young boy in green appeared as if from nowhere.
Wielding the blade of evil's bane, he sealed the dark away and gave the land light.
This boy, who traveled through time to save the land, was known as the Hero of Time.
The boy's tale was passed on through generation until it became legend...
But then...a day came when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom.
The great evil that all thought to be forever sealed away by the hero...
...once again crept from the depths of the earth, eager to resume it's dark designs.
the people believed the Hero of Time would come again to save them.
...but the hero did not appear.
Faced by an onslaught of evil, the people could do nothing but appeal to the gods.
In their final hours, as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate.
What became of that kingdom...?
None remain who know.
The memory of the kingdom vanished, but the legend survived on the wind's breath.
On a certain island, it became customary to garb boys in green when they came of age.
Clothed in the green of fields, they aspire to find heroic blades and cast down evil.
The elders wished only for the youths to know courage like the hero of legend...


FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW NOTHING OF ZELDA, THIS WOULD BE GOOD TO START OUT WITH. It seriously has everything you need to know conveniently stacked into a small little video. HOW COOL IS THAT!?

With each different Link comes a different tale, a different journey. The only constants there seems to be (and even those constants are questioned by a few games) are the three who make up the triforce. Courage, the main protagonist, Wisdom, the princess, and Power, the villain. The hero always goes off on some life-changing journey and becomes a MAN hero to the land. I've give a small recap of three separate Links since writing all of them out with each of their journeys would be suicide (not to mention I'd botch them up since I can't remember every game clearly fffff-...will probably go through each of their histories eventually)

Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask:

"The flow of time is always cruel... Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days."
---Sheik

This Link starts out as the fairy-less Kokiri whos journey begins after he's finally given a fairy, Navi, by the Great Deku Tree (more or less the guardian or some shit of those forest children). Because he gets a fairy, the other Kokiri can no longer make fun of him, 'cause he's finally boss even if the fairy he ends up getting is fucking the most horrible partner you can ever have with the constant HEY LISTEN HEY HEY HEY HEY. GOD DAMN IT NAVI, SHUT UP. Link's only friend, the MOTHER FUCKING SAGE OF THE FOREST, Saria, hands Link a nice handy dandy ocarina before he embarks on a journey through time. Hot shit goes down. HOT. SHIT. Link and that damned Navi travel all throughout the land of Hyrule, fixing all the fucked up shit that went down. Evil errywhere. The mountains? Fucked. The desert? Fucked. The town? Fucked. The forests? Fucked. The lakes? FUCKED. So it's up to Link to travel across the land searching far and wide, fixing all the calamities. Then comes Ganondork thinking he's hot shit, but he kind of is so that's alright. he takes this mystical ocarina of time and throws it into some mote or something before riding off on his black horse like some bad ass mother fucker with the princess. Yeah. Hot shit, right? Link jumps in after the ocarina and lo-and-behold, he trashes Saria's gift for this ocarina (seriously, what happens to the other ocarina?). Then the sages call up Link or some shit and have him sleep like a lazy ass through SEVEN FUCKING YEARS. He comes outta that place as a MAN and looked to find THE ENTIRE LAND OF HYRULE IS FUCKED UP. The city that was once prosperous is now COVERED IN REDEADS, OH SHIT. Link has to, as an adult, travel throughout the land and fix the shit that's been goin' down for the past seven years. There's some mountain, also, that's pretty important. It's all covered in smoke. Also Ganondorf is actually the leader of a harem tribe. The Gerudo live in the desert and do some crap or whatever. After Link travels through the dungeons doing his thang aka sages and not being able to live in the same world as Saria, OH FUCK, he gets a horse. That's what men do when they're depressed. They get a horse. That bitch is called Epona and more or less saves your ass and calls for amazing fights that end in all your enemies being trampled. Eventually Link is all up and ready to face Ganondork and takes the rainbow bridge into Ganondork's hideout where he's chillin' playing his theme on the organ. Like, not joking. He's so conceited he's playing his own theme song while waiting for you to come up there and kick his ass. Too bad the Triforce of Courage and Wisdom are strong enough to beat out Power. But with Wisdom being, well, wisdom, you think she'd be smart enough to shoot arrows at Ganondork instead of at you. FUCKING STOP IT, ZELDA. Ganondork is banished to the shadow realm or something after they play a children's card game have an intense battle and all seems right once again.

Link's love life during the game---
Spoiler: click to toggle

IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT I KID YOU NOT.

"Your true face... What kind of... face is it? I wonder... The face under the mask... Is that... your true face?" ---Moon Child
After these events take place, Link returns to life as a child, retaining his memories of what had happened. He leaves the land of Hyrule, trying to find his missing friend. All hope seems lost and as he is searching through a forest with Epona, he's attacked by Skull Kid and his two fairies, Tatl and Tael. Skull Kid steals the sacred ocarina of time and starts playing, acting like tough shit while the two fairies watch and complain that they want to play, as well. Link, who appears to be drunk at this point, flips shit and Skill Kid tries to flee on Epona. BUT NO FUCKING WAY THAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN. Link grabs onto Epona's leg and is dragged for dear life. They end up at some weird mini-temple or something and Link is all scared or some shit. Skull Kid, being the BAMF he is (when controlled by Majora) places a curse on Link, turning him into the jailbait Deku Link. Tatl starts beating the crap out of Link while her brother and Skull Kid leave the two of them. WELL NOW THEY'RE BOTH FUCKED. Tatl apologizes to Link for being such a bad ass and the two of them escape. Cool right? WRONG. Link ends up in a land called Termina, which is eerily identical to Hyrule...though something about the entire place feels off. Everything seems to be going wrong and in the span of three days the moon comes closer and closer to the town's clock tower, where it will eventually crash. Link won't be having any of this shit, though. He goes to face Skull Kid and is all CAN'T TOUCH THIS. Skull Kid drops Link's ocarina, and Link is all "THE SONG OF TIME WILL TOTES SAVE ME, RITE?" Somehow the instrument is changed into some kind of Deku trumpet, but Link is totes fine with this. He plays the song and WHOH WUT? He's sent back through time to the DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY. Seventy Two Hours Remain. Well fuck, all those rupees and items he collected? GONE. But that's fine because The Happy Mask Salesman is totally fine with turning you back into a human, making the Deku Link into nothing more than a form-changing mask. Also they find another two form-changing masks that end up being the spirits of dead people. PRETTY FUN TO RUN AROUND BREAKING POTS AND BLAMING IT ON DEAD PEOPLE. So then Link and Tatl go on throughout Termina listening to the woes of the people, the dieties, and the land. Link is more or less scarred for life because of this and after defeating all the temples and collecting all the masks he becomes one BAD. ASS. MOTHER. FUCKER. He puts on this one mask and harnesses the power of a GOD. Majora, being the mindrape that she is (MAJORA IS TOTALLY A GIRL, THERE'S AN A AT THE END OF HER NAME), allows Link to play with her on the moon. The moon children laugh and play tag with Link, but they're really all mindfucks who try their best to feed into Link's insecurities or some shit like that. NAW MAN. He's mother fucking LINK. He don't do that. Termina is saved (even though the lazy as fuck deities don't do SHIT) and Link leaves as the festival starts. No one even notices Link leaving, nor do they even thank him, THOSE FUCKING INGRATES. He doesn't even find Navi, though seems content enough at the end of the game. OH WAIT, THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO REMEMBERS YOU. Remember Skull Kid? Yeah? He vandalizes some tree (OL' SCHOOL) with a pic of you and him. It's a promise for the two to meet again. B'AWWW.

Wind Waker:

"My country lay within a vast desert. When the sun rose into the sky, a burning wind punished my lands, searing the world. And when the moon climbed into the dark of night, a frigid gale pierced our homes. No matter when it came, the wind carried the same thing... Death. But the winds that blew across the green fields of Hyrule brought something other than suffering and ruin. I coveted that wind, I suppose."
---Ganondorf

Personality Link. This Link is the most bad ass mother fucker that will ever fuck up yo' shit. NO JOKE. He looks cute and innocent, and mind you he did start that way, but then he goes and says "FUCK YOU, DESTINY" and forces himself to become a hero. He starts off on a small island because the gods were so pissed off at Ganon that they flooded Hyrule. Link's sister is stole by some crap-bird and he's all NOT HAVING THAT so he attempts to save her. BAD CHOICE. He almost dies in the process and is saved by Princess Zelda Tetra, the bad ass pirate. Shit goes down and Link eventually sails off with the pirates to the island all the way across the map, Forsaken Fortress, in order to rescue his sister. He's shot out of the ship and SHIT they don't even BOTHER to aim. He connects with the wall and SPLATS down, losing his fucking sword in the process. SO GREAT. He can't even FIGHT. He's reduced to hiding in barrels in order not to be found. Really pitiful of a soon-to-be hero. He gets to the top and CAN'T EVEN RESCUE HIS SISTER. He's thrown out to sea to die, but then that red boat, King of Red Lions is there, partying it up. He brings Link to the island of Windfall and Link does some shit there AKA FINDS A SAIL. They go off on the ocean for ADVENTURES and make way to Dragon Roost, where the FUCKING ZORA WERE TURNED INTO RUTO, BIRD PEOPLE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? Link saves their god, Valoo and Valoo is all "THIS SHIT IS FUCKED UP" in Ancient Hylian. Prince Komali gives Link some orb of the goddess and Medli just sort of hangs out. She does shit, though, don't get me wrong. OR DO, WHATEVER. Link then sails off for that one island with the tree and the Kokoroks. They look frighteningly cute and Makar gets stuck in the horrible sister island. Link goes off to save Makar and a new friend is made. Link gets two more orbs of goddesses and places them in the corresponding island statues. The three statues totally become sentient or something and explain to Link how the land was formed or something. Some underwater temple is opened and Link goes off to fuck that temple up hardcore. THEN Link goes off to Hyrule, but doesn't realize it's Hyrule until he's in the DAMN FUCKING BASEMENT WITH ALL THE SAGES. They're trolling Link and make the enemies up in the castle come alive for the LULZ. DAMN IT. Link goes back up and finds the spirit of the Land. I forgot her name, but she's some Zora or something. She trololos and Medli ends up being the sage. THEN THE TEAR-JERKING PART OF THE GAME HAPPENS. Medli's all "HEY LONK, LET'S RUN OFF TOGETHER BEFORE PRINCE KOMALI FINDS OUT." And then you both run away and Komali comes and is all "WTF, I PLUCKED THIS FLOWER FOR NOTHING, FUCK THIS SHIT." Seriously the saddest part of the game. Medli has the intelligence of a blade of grass (that's putting it nicely) and is so fucked up you have to FUCKING MIND CONTROL HER in order to finish the temple. She stays in there without you as the sage and then you're off to find the Wind sage, FADO. FADO IS THE SHIT. He's awesome and is all "HURR DURR, FIND MAKAR." He's fucking under a waterfall. FOR FUCKS SAKE, MAKAR. You both go off on some adventure and shit and he becomes the new sage since Fado was killed dead by Ganondorf. THIS IS THE SECOND SADDEST PART OF THE GAME, IT'S COOL IF YOU CRIED. Link goes back to Hyrule. TETRA IS ZELDA, PLOT TWIST. She hangs out down there and Link goes to find the pieces of the Triforce. They're sunk. ALL OF THEM. Under water. ALL OF THEM. You have to find the sea charts for them and get EVERY FUCKING ONE DECIPHERED BY TINGLE. He charges you up the ASS. After all that shit Link goes off into another dungeon since Ganondorf stole Zelda, WHAT A SURPRISE. Link fucking stabs Ganon. IN THE FOREHEAD. That's some tough shit right there if I ever saw it. Link's all "GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY LAND" and Ganon does. King of Red Lions dies or some shit and you're like tl;dr. Link and Zelda go back and Link and Aryll (his sister, did I even mention that earlier?) hang with their grandma on Outset Island once more with that snot-nosed brat and the GIANT PIG. Meanwhile Komali is still there, standing with a wilted flower. He's just waiting for Medli to return and she NEVER FUCKING DOES. That's one of the saddest parts of a Zelda game I've ever seen. FUCK YOU, ZELDA GAME MAKERS WHO DECIDED THAT TO HAPPEN.

Twilight Princess:

"Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin...One cannot exist without the other."
---Princess Zelda

This Link, the oldest at the start of the game, starts out as nothing more than a country-bumpkin. He starts out with a horse named Epona and has only one friend around his age: Illia. After a totally not convenient accident, Link is sent out to deliver something to Hyrule instead of some other dude in the small town. WELL FUCK. That's when shit starts. Link is sucked into the realm of Twilight, where his soul should have been converted into that of a ghost, but since he is actually part of the Triforce he was turned, instead, into a spirit animal AKA WOLF. He's locked up in a prison (FUCK) and chained. CHAINED. every fangirl's fantasy come true, BUT WHY AS A WOLF!? Link's busy doing what wolves do in a pinch, chewing off their own paw, when Midna, an imp shows up. Link automatically reacts negatively, though Midna, instead, helps Link out of his chains. The two then start off through the Twilight Realm, trying to bring Link back to his realm. Shit goes down, he eventually ends up back home. BUT CRAP, some forest place is going up in flames or some shit and the monkeys are demanding you help them. You do. Turns out the Sage of the Forest is happy you helped and gives you something I honestly don't remember. Then fuck. The Gorons need your help. BUT NO. The only way they'll see you as their brother is for you to go and SUMO WRESTLE THEM SHIRTLESS (fanservice?). NO. NOT FANSERVICE. When you take a look at those Gorons you understand why. OH FUCK, MY EYES, WHERE'S THE BLEACH!? Then you go through the temple MAGNETIZED TO THE FUCKING WALLS and save yet another Sage. Then you're off AGAIN. Shit. This time to Zora's Domain where everything is FUCKING ICE. Link goes and gets some blue tunic or some shit and saves them all. The Zora Prince cries like a baby and the Zora sage thang thanks you. Then you go TO THE FUCKING SKY. That fucking dungeon. THAT FUCKING DUNGEON. Fucking hardest dungeon in the game. Double hookshots help and eventually Link gets out of the sky and goes to the mountains where there's a pair of Yeti. The wife Yeti ends up being the boss and wants the shiny mirror of twilight or something for herself. And Link is all "NO SHIT, THIS AIN'T HAPPENING, SISTAH." They fight. Link wins. Then Link is off to do hero things in the Realm of Twilight. FUCK. Don't get stuck in here. Fucking sucks. Link goes through and fucks up the dungeon and then there's only the castle or something where Ganondorf is lying in wait. Tough. Shit. Also you defeat Zant or something, but that's a different story. Link makes his way to Ganondorf and FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT DID HE DO TO THE PRINCESS? She more or less has a seizure and is then controlled by Ganondorf into attacking you. After you defeat the princess he turns into a boar and you have to fight him. AGAIN. THEN. You get transported outside on your horse. And you fight. AGAIN. Then you fight AGAIN AGAIN against Ganondorf. This is where you use the fishing rod or some shit and defeat Ganondorf in about five seconds. Ganondorf stands there dead as fuck. END CREDITS. Midna leaves for her Twilight Realm and FUCK THAT'S SO SAD. She starts to speak, but cuts herself off, killing the hopes of LinkxMidna shippers everywhere while everyone else is trololo'ing. THE. MOTHER. FUCKING. END.

Skyward MOTHER FUCKING Sword
"Let me see...no, that's not it. This is so very embarrassing, but I seem to be at a loss for your name."
---Ghirahim

"Uhhh...Whoh...You're kind of imploding my mind right now...but I think I get what you're saying
---GROOSE


First off, YOU SEE THAT MOTHER FUCKING SHIT UP THERE? THIS GAME IS SO EPIC AND QUOTABLE IT HAS TWO MOTHER FUCKING QUOTES. And I'm not even half way through the game, crap. Can you imagine? THIS GAME IS GOING TO FUCKING BLOW. YOUR. MIND.

This Link, the OLDEST of ALL THE LINKS, is one bad ass mother fucker. You thought WW Link was bad ass? Screw you. You thought TP Link was bad ass? FUCK YOU, GOOD SIR. THIS LINK IS FUCKIN' MORE BAD ASS IN THE FIRST THIRTY MINUTES OF THE GAME THAN ALL OTHER LINKS COMBINED THROUGHOUT THEIR ENTIRE GAME. Look at him. You think he's lame? FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKER. This Link has PERSONALITY. So much he's OVERFLOWING. He got some swag. SWAG MOTHER FUCKER. I ain't talking about no swag out there in Shibuya, but crap man, this mother fucker will fuck you up. WITH HIS GIANT BIRD THING. What? You dissin him? WELL FUCK YOU, HE'LL MAKE FUN OF YOUR HAIR AND MAKE YOU GO CRY BACK TO THE HEAD MASTER. So get this. Link is chillin' in his room being all BAMF, because he is a BAD. ASS. MOTHER. FUCKER. And BAM, the fates come to him. AND ZELDA'S BIRD. She invites you to go meet with her, HUBBA HUBBA, AND YOU ALL DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY WHILE FUCKIN' UP ERRYONE'S SHIT. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. FUCKIN' IT ALL UP.

-will explain more as the game progresses-

finishing up;
roleplay sample; {HURR DURR WILL DO THIS EVENTUALLY AND IT WON'T BE DREADFUL LIKE THE REST OF THIS THANG, I SWEAR.}
member title; Silent Hero
anything else;
THIS:
LOOK AT THIS
THIS CHANGED MY LIFE AND MADE ME SEE THE WORLD IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
Why am I doing this instead of being Demon Lord Ghirahim. We all know that evil clown is so much hotter, fff
...EVERYTHING I JUST WROTE COULD BE CONSIDERED SPOILERS.
Read at your own risk, though I'm evil and put this at the bottom.
READ THIS. JUST TRUST ME.
Edited by Link, December 5, 2011, 7:59 pm.
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WELL EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME PRINCESS
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MAH BOI
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MAH BOI
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Sora
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a hero's not afraid to give his life
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THIS IS A THING OF BEAUTY AND SHALL BE PERSERVED FOR ALL TIME ;_____;
+ quote! + top!
 
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