| Where It Hurts; Yuuki reveals that he no longer loves Takuma, and sends Takuma into a whirwind of emotions as they try to find a way to cope. | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 22 2018, 11:36 PM (2 Views) | |
| RainyMemory | Mar 22 2018, 11:36 PM Post #1 |
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When Yuuki says he doesn't love Takuma, not really, the bassist knows he's not lying. Almost two years they've been together, far more years than that Takuma's known Yuuki and loved him. It's not a lie to protect himself, or a lie to protect Takuma. It's not a joke, or a misunderstanding. "I loved how I felt with you. How you made me feel, since... since you loved me." When Yuuki first started saying 'i love you' it felt real. It felt so real that Takuma cried when Yuuki said it, cried after sex the first time after Yuuki said it, cried the next four times Yuuki said it. Cried and cried and cried... "I don't think I ever loved you, not really." It was something pure and simple. It wasn't the obligated love from family, or the love of fans from afar, or a friendship type love. It was just... love. Something he could let his guard down around. After fighting tabloids saying he sells his body for work, fighting other students who shame him at school for being a 'dirty' idol who cheated, days his family isn't home, days he's trapped under obligations... Yuuki had become his home. Those words of comfort, knowing Yuuki truly loved and cared for him, past all the shine of accomplishments. Yuuki, the one person who Takuma really wanted love and acceptance from, was there. There to take the mask off, let him breathe. "So... That's how it was, huh..." Lately, Yuuki looked so... detached. He was too busy to make plans, and he was stressed from work. But there was something else. How long has he known Yuuki, after all? At this point... Takuma had to wonder how well he knew Yuuki after all. "You're throwing me away?" "That's not it. I don't want to hurt you, it's not fair for me to hold onto you. You deserve someone who loves you for real." Stop wearing such a sad expression... "Please... I'm sorry." Why look like he's the victim? Taking a sharp breath in, Takuma crossed his arms and turned his head away. How could Yuuki make that desperate face? What was his aim? Forgiveness? Understanding? A mutual split, filled with tears and comfort? "Stop bullshitting me... You're worse than the tabloids! Wasn't this just fun for you?" Stop making such a pitiful face. "I was an easy option, right? A pretty boy who is good at sex, a bandage for your heart after Mamoru broke it, a way to boost your self esteem or something! Must've been fun, right? To string me along for so long? Did you brag about it? They say that I'm a slut, but I belonged to you. Someone who will stand by you no matter what, respect you, make you feel good. I was nothing more than a cock sleeve, dildo, and pet all along!" "That's not it! I would never do that to you!" Yuuki looks hurt, somehow, but Takuma can't help but think that it's unfair. He's the one being broken up with, but Yuuki has the nerve to talk back to him? "I wanted to love you! I wanted to love you like you loved me, and I sincerely thought I did! I seriously did, I wasn't playing around!" "Shut up! I won't let you sweet talk me! I'm done with it! You yanked me around enough, but eventually you felt too guilty to get your dick hard. That's why we're here. Sex isn't fun anymore, so you're throwing me away like a filthy tissue!" Yuuki starting to speak back again, Takuma walked up to him to be only maybe six inches apart. "I don't want to hear it! I'm tired of being made the idiot! You never cared about me, not once, not for a second! You used me, and I bet you talk about it online even! You probably are no help for those rumors! Under an anonymous name, right? 'Haha, I fucked that idol Hideaki! He's a total slut, he'll do anything if you're a little nice to him-" Cutting off, Takuma closed his eyes when Yuuki spoke up again, his cheek stinging after being slapped. It was so unfair... Yuuki had to take everything. Takuma's time, feelings, happiness, touch, voice, tears, laughter, love... Even this, he had to take. Control of the conversation, the situation. He wouldn't let Takuma paint him to be the bad guy, he didn't want those kind of hurt feelings. "I care about you, Takuma! I just... I'm just not in love with you." It's so unfair. Even when Takuma was the one being broken up with, Yuuki was taking it all with him. "You're an asshole." Mumbling it out, Takuma purses his lips and faces Yuuki again, tears finally reaching his eyes. "Lying to me like that... I can't tell what you want from me." It wasn't a lie, Yuuki claimed, saying he didn't know what he could do to convince Takuma to believe him. Going in for a kiss, Takuma furrowed his eyebrows when Yuuki stopped him. "What are you doing?" "If this is it, I want it to be on my terms. I don't want to feel one last bit of love from you." Moving in to kiss again, Takuma grabbed Yuuki's wrist when he was pushed away. "Why are you resisting? I want our last kiss to be bitter, so it's the last thing I remember. You drag me along in your fake love, and you won't even give me that much?" No... apparently not. Tears falling freely now, Takuma gave a small laugh. "I hate you. You know that? More than anything, I hate you!" Of course he didn't. "You take everything, and you won't even let me have the one thing I want that's left! I'll tell you why, too! It's because you can't stand to taste it! I've only ever given you love and affection, you're too afraid to taste what it's like to be hated. You're too afraid to face your own sins, and to feel the consequences. Your name might mean courage, but you're a coward." Work... becomes suffocating. There's no reprieve anymore, after all. The rumor is that Takuma is high maintenance, a diva, my way or the highway. So... he is. If that's what they want, that's what he'll be. Strict on everyone, doesn't bend or break, diligent but cold. For a while, he could be that way to anyone but the others. At school, at work, sometimes even at home if he had to be. The others... he was still on edge with. Because they were still in public. He could only be so soft, he could only allow so much skinship, he could only let his guard down so much. With Yuuki, it felt like he was being accepted as he was. But now... it's only gotten worse. Even around the others, he has to have his guard up, because Yuuki is there. Takuma can't afford anymore wounds. Talk shows are uncomfortable if they make him interact with Yuuki, photoshoots become stiff if they stand next to each other, Yuuki won't even meet his eyes. He acts scared, like Takuma might rip his vocal cords out. How could he act like the victim? This must have been how he felt when the others went to Mamoru's side when he rejected Yuuki. But this feeling... had to be one hundred times worse. It had to be. Because Mamoru was soft and cried all the time, but he had only turned Yuuki down. Yuuki... Yuuki to have the nerve to put on a sad face, after so many lies... It hurt. No matter what he said, or what he told himself, or what he told the others; it hurt. He wanted to run over to Yuuki, and tell him it was alright. Kiss his cheeks, hold his hand, and promise it would be okay. That they could get through it together. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't even do that for himself. Because just like before and while they were together, Takuma only loves Yuuki more and more. Seeing him in pain makes Takuma want to heal him, being in pain makes him want Yuuki to hold him, being happy or worried; he wants to share it. Wasn't that how it was supposed to be? Between all of the rumors, the agency threatening to pull the plug on them any second, school and family issues, memorizing a dance or a script, facts for a test... Yuuki has it all, and there's nothing left for Takuma. A hole in his chest that makes love songs hard to sing, not being able to voice his feelings to anyone. Not the others or even his parents... saying it out loud only hurt even more. He didn't know what to do... he wanted to change himself to fit Yuuki's taste, say that they could go back to just dating casually, maybe Yuuki will realize it was true love? Even just sleeping together would be fine? Just talking normally? Dinner? Holding hands? Yuuki's friendship with the others continues normally. Everyone puts on their best face, and gets along the same as always. Izo says he talked a little to Yuuki about what happened, but Takuma doesn't want to hear it. Izo knows too much about everything, and he knows too much about everyone. "You just... you just have to move on..." Takuma can't help but lash out. "Easy for you to say with Mamoru practically living at your house these days." Izo doesn't care; he just lets out a heavy sigh before Takuma tells him to just go away. As for the others... Mamoru keeps himself arms length. He has nothing to say, but Takuma won't allow physical comfort. No matter how soft and warm Mamoru is, Takuma can't stand the silence when they're alone, and he can't show weakness in public. Ryouta... is probably the closest thing to comfort Takuma finds at this point. He doesn't try to confront the issue, and just tries to be normal. It's easy for everyone to be normal with Yuuki, but, as Izo put it, Takuma has changed too much too suddenly. But Ryouta goofs around the same way, doesn't get hurt if his hand is swatted away, or if Takuma says something almost too harsh. He lets Takuma sleep over when practice runs too late, and doesn't bother him when he hears Takuma crying in the middle of the night. He puts aside the issues, and tries to focus on the positive. Which, at times, allows Takuma to do the same. Clothes shopping, going over music, playing sports... It's the last bit of normal Takuma can reach... even though it feels fake at times. At most times. Ryouta is nice and honest, but the youngest can't help but feel like that smile is out of pity more than anything. After what feels like years, but is closer to months, Yuuki and Takuma finally interact a little more normally again. Takuma is still prickly, and hates being touched more than ever, but allows himself to loosen up with everyone again. Then, after a while more, they can interact one on one normally, too. Talking properly at work, sharing jokes... Yuuki can't help but feel a little bad, since he knows he doesn't deserve it... but he misses Takuma. Not in a way where he thinks he loves him, but in a closer-than-friends way. After all, the five of them have been through so much together. Including sleeping together. It connected them tighter than one would imagine. He could still kiss the others, but he didn't ever really feel up to sex these days. Kissing was fun, something they even did on stage. But he didn't feel like he really deserved sex. Not when Takuma was hurting so badly. Something that was his fault... and something that he continued to prolong. "I just wanted him to listen to me and understand... I didn't want him to think that I would do that to him. That someone he trusted so much would betray him like that." "...Did you do that for him...? Or for yourself?" When Izo brought it up, Yuuki didn't completely understand it. Yuuki broke up with Takuma for Takuma's sake, and didn't want a misunderstanding for Takuma's sake. "I think you accidentally did something a little cruel... You broke up with him, and his reaction was to try and push away from you. But you wouldn't let him. Maybe you thought it was for his sake, but... maybe you should've let him think of you as an enemy." When they start hanging out one on one again, Yuuki wishes that he could turn back time. To a point where they didn't date, and their relationship remained as friends with benefits. He wishes Takuma never loved him. But maybe he doesn't now. Takuma had been heavily depressed since the breakup. No matter how much makeup he put on, or what kind of flashy clothes, or how expensive the sunglasses; Yuuki could see it. He was sure the others could, too. He was just unraveling, and even became a recluse. To the point that Natsuo of all people, would have to call around to check on Takuma. He got skinnier, paler, drank more coffee, bummed cigarettes here and there... He wanted to help him. More than anything, Yuuki didn't want to see Takuma collapse. He was smart, talented, relentless, bright... He was everything you could want in a role model and performer; he worked the hardest, he worried the most, he cared the most. They all wanted to be idols for different reasons, some changing between now and when they first joined the agency. But from the very start, even when faced with horrible lies about him and being practically driven out of his country... Takuma only wanted to make people happy. So... even if Yuuki couldn't love him the way Takuma wanted, he still wanted to support him. However, it was... difficult to say the least. Takuma was hesitant about opening up, but did so slowly. Never about their past, but about his other worries, which were countless. A bit of pep talk, hand holding, food, movies; Yuuki felt like they were finally healing some wounds. It even eventually made it back to kissing. Just small ones at first, and making out came after a decent amount of time. But it could never get further than that... since Yuuki could tell when it changed. When it went from fun fooling around, to Takuma letting his feelings go again. Wanting to kiss romantically, wanting to have sex again as a couple, wanting to spill out feelings of love all over the sheets again. But, as always, they were both greedy. On an especially hard day, Yuuki let things go too far. Maybe Takuma just needed to do it once to realize it was different? Maybe he already knew it was different, and Yuuki was mistaking love and caring again? Maybe they could have sex again, like they used to. Be there for each other like they used to. But... there was no denying it afterwards. When in the morning, Takuma was sitting on the edge of the bed with is head in his hands, biting back tears as the obvious ran through his head. He still loved Yuuki. He loved him so much. But that was it. Yuuki didn't love him back, and he never would. It was nothing more than a kiss on the bruise. It hurts no matter how nice it is; and even if he wants more and more, it won't heal the wound. During sex he could imagine Yuuki loved him, but in the morning there was nothing left. It almost got like that again a handful more times, until Takuma reached his breaking point. After losing a job opportunity due to massive amounts of hate mail, Takuma was lectured by Ashiya's superior, saying that he needed to pick up the slack. As an elite, he should be trying harder. His acting should be so good that the stations don't care about some hate mail, or his personality is so charming that he could afford to go on a talk show. It started with comforting, then kissing, but Yuuki couldn't let it go past there. No matter how desperate Takuma looked, or how hurt he was when told no. "I promise, I'm fine this time. Last time I- I don't know, but it's fine this time. I can control myself." But he was lying... even though Yuuki wanted to give in and comfort Takuma how he knew best, he couldn't. "Please... please just for tonight." He couldn't... Just holding Takuma for now, Yuuki tried to just calm him down through hugging him and rubbing his arm or back. Telling him it would be alright, that he would be alright, before just sitting quietly together. "Yuuki... can... can you say you love me? If we can't have sex then... at least that..." "You know I can't do that... it's not right." "No, it's okay! I... I know it's... I know it's fake, I just need to hear it. Just... just tonight, pretend, okay? Just for tonight..." The world was really playing a cruel joke on them. Suggesting that maybe Takuma should head home, Yuuki stood up and pulled the bassist with him, knowing that it probably wouldn't be so easy to get him into a cab and maybe send Natsuo his way. But... not anticipating Takuma to drop to his knees, balling Yuuki's pant leg fabric in his hands. "Yuuki, please! Please... I need it... Even if it's fake... If it's you, it's enough. Even when I said I hated you, I never meant it. When I acted cold, I didn't mean it. Please..." But, no... Takuma knew it, too, that this was fruitless. But he couldn't stop himself. He had to try. He wanted it back. The sense of happiness and warmth, even if it was fake. "Why...? What's... What's wrong with me? I'll change it! Just tell me what it is and-" Even a lie was fine. Something to keep him going... he felt like he was trapped in a room with no lights and no way out. Like if he stopped banging on the walls, if he just went silent... no one would even notice. Yuuki insisting that there was nothing wrong with Takuma, but there was something wrong with the keyboardist himself, the bassist quickly stood up and grabbed Yuuki's arms. The rapper saying he just didn't know what was wrong with him, that he was sorry, that he should but he just doesn't; Takuma shook his head. "No, no there's nothing wrong with you... Please... You're perfect. You've always been perfect." Being told to stop looking at Yuuki with such rose colored glasses, Takuma furrowed his brow and gave a small laugh. "It's not like that. Yuuki... I know all of your flaws... No one knows you as much as I do... But... but that's the thing. I love them. All of it. You're not perfect, not- not really. You have a bad temper, you're messy, you pack your schedule too tight, you rebel over even little things... But I love all of that... To me... you're perfect." Hearing the familiar spiel that he deserved someone better. Someone who could look at Takuma the same way and feel that way about him back, he sniffed back some tears and shook his head. "I don't want that... I only want you. Yuuki... I'd... I'd give you everything." Everything that's left, anyway. "Even if it's fake... if you just... just... anything... if you could give me anything... that's better than anything else from anyone else. Please... please, please, please..." It started out with small things. Little things that Yuuki knew irritated Takuma. Putting his feet on the shared table, slurping tea, putting cups down loudly. Just enough to get under his skin. From there, it became a few verbal things away. Small digs here and there, asking him if he was sure that he was really done with his hair and makeup before they went on stage, dismissing his hellos and goodbyes. It felt familiar, if Takuma had to admit it. It reminded him of their junior days. Where Yuuki was too good for him, and Takuma was just chasing after his senpai helplessly. But they weren't children anymore, and this type of nostalgia wasn't the good kind. The more obvious it got, the further apart they grew again. But... Takuma didn't want that to happen. He couldn't keep up acting cold to Yuuki anymore, it was too painful. Even if there was no relationship to salvage, wasn't there friendship? He didn't want to let that go. No matter how hard he tried before, he ended up right back where he started. So... so wasn't it better to hold on to it? If letting it go just made it come back around, there had to be another solution. Wasn't Yuuki just trying to push him away out of kindness? So... knowing it was fake... Takuma couldn't help but keep going back. It seemed like, no matter what he said, how many years had gone by now; he was still that helpless kid running after the heels of the person he admired. Hanging out one on one became difficult and impossible, even the littlest bit of skin contact was rejected, group hang outs became insufferable. So, Takuma pulled back on it. Trying to be patient, maybe give Yuuki space. It was harder said than done, since they saw each other daily for work, but Takuma tried to not let every single irritating interaction get to him. Otherwise he might snap. That was one thing that had changed... his temper. But if he wanted to salvage anything, he couldn't snap. Yuuki would realize pushing him away isn't working, and they could try something else. But it didn't seem to be working... or, rather, Yuuki wasn't realizing it. Maybe it ran deeper than a simple kindness? "Are you angry at me? You can tell me if I did something, you've been acting kind of weird." Yuuki claiming that he was just like that in general from stress and exhaustion, Takuma knew that wasn't true, giving a small sigh when told he wasn't getting 'special treatment.' Asking if there was something he could do to help Yuuki relax in that case, hoping to at least ease some of the tension, he had to bite his tongue when asked if he was trying to get into the older boy's pants. "Get your head out of the gutter. I'm asking seriously." Now being asked if he'd given up on chasing Yuuki's dick, Takuma had to hold himself back from turning around and leaving. "I don't love you for your dick, but you're certainly acting like a giant one." Yuuki still trying to brush him off, the bassist grabbed his hand. Telling him to cut it out, and pointing out that he very clearly doesn't treat the others this way, Takuma asked again what exactly was the issue... But didn't really get anything. Yuuki saying he'd think about it, Takuma let it go for that. After that, Takuma ended up getting some one on one time with Yuuki. It took a couple days, and a stroke of luck in the form of Ryouta canceling being the third party of a hang out due to his brother needing help with project; but he made it. They had gathered together at Yuuki's house, since it has the big television, to look over some different performances for ideas. As such, the two were stuck on the couch together. The air felt thick... leaning on Yuuki a little, Takuma tried to see if that would help any. Maybe Yuuki didn't know if it was okay? Maybe he really was just stressed and needed a bit of comfort? But... again... nothing seemed to change. Yuuki was Yuuki. Takuma... was sure of that much. Just like when they were younger... even if Yuuki put on a tough face, he was soft. Just like now, Yuuki was always a very caring person, someone who couldn't stand to see others close to him upset. So... in these circumstances... After a prank that went too far at school ended with Takuma having a sprained wrist and another wave of insecurity, he went where he always would. Yuuki's place. Even if Yuuki was still being cold to him, Takuma knew that he could still receive a bit of comfort. That's all he needed. Just to get through the rest of the day without wanting to strangle himself, just... just being able to feel Yuuki's warmth again would be fine. Being called clingy when he asked to come in and talk a little, clearly distraught, Takuma apologized but shuffled his way in. Sitting on the edge of Yuuki's bed, he explained what happened, sniffing and rubbing his face with his good hand. Yuuki didn't... really say much, and his comforting was pretty much just a back rub, but he didn't pull away when Takuma leaned into him. Closing his eyes, the youngest wished Yuuki would at least put an arm around him. Staying like that for a minute or two, Takuma could feel the exhaustion from crying getting too strong to just sit still and risk falling asleep and waking up to an empty room or something. But he didn't want to leave, and he didn't want to do anything in particular. If he was going to fall asleep and wake up to Yuuki being distant again... Just something a little more would be fine, right? "Is it okay if we lay down a bit?" Well, he could, but Yuuki wasn't interested. Pursing his lips, Takuma tugged on Yuuki's sleeve. "Just for a little while? I... I don't want to cuddle or anything. I just... don't want to be left alone yet." Still getting some resistance, Yuuki jabbing that they were in his room so he didn't really plan on going anywhere, Takuma still got the wish of laying parallel to him. Although... it remained uncomfortable. Studying Yuuki's expression and just how stiff he was, the bassist wondered if maybe he'd be better off asleep after all. Then, maybe Yuuki would relax... and maybe things would be better once he wakes up. After all, Yuuki was pissed to hear that someone had ended up tripping Takuma down the stairs at the very least. So... maybe he was just trying to hold himself back? "Is it... alright if I hold your hand...?" Takuma really did hate being proven right sometimes... especially when it was still proving him wrong. "Ugh... can I go study if you're just going to cry more? I have homework to do." Yuuki was holding himself back... and it was out of kindness... just... a different kind of kindness. Not in a way where he was trying to spare Takuma's feelings, but in a way where he just didn't want to bother with it. It wasn't about pushing the youngest away for his sake... it was because Takuma had become a nuisance. "I don't even get the point of me laying here with you; I thought you were done trying to suck my dick?" "Sorry... I... didn't realize you disliked me this much. We're just colleagues, right? I won't make that mistake again." Pulling himself off the bed, Takuma took his leave from the room. There... there really was nothing left, huh? He didn't have a home to go back to anymore. He didn't belong anywhere. Not at home, school, with his friends, the agency, even the group. If a car would hit him on the way home, that would be preferred. So, putting in earbuds and turning the music on high, Takuma closed his eyes whenever he had to cross the street... but even then, he couldn't get what he wanted, and made it home safe. "Good morning, Mr Shunya." That's what they were now. "Hmm? Yeah." That's all they were now. Izo said it was for the best. To both of them, he said that. That it was the better decision on Yuuki's part, to completely turn his back on Takuma in the end, even if it was painful. That it was better for Takuma to just accept that there was nothing more for him when it came to the rapper, even if it made everything else feel hopeless. They had to work together, there was no changing that, so this was how it had to be. A lie that Yuuki didn't care about Takuma anymore, and a mask that Takuma was okay with it. Yuuki didn't want to admit it, but he knew it was true. He should've let Takuma hate him from the beginning; but, instead, he dragged him through the dirt. Of course the bassist wouldn't be able to let go if the rapper kept giving him his hand. Where he thought he was helping Takuma from drowning in depression, he was probably just pushing him back under the water. So... he had to let go, as well. Even on TV, it was obvious. Being friendly with the others, but formal with each other; to the point that tabloids started wondering if there was a rift in the group. "There's nothing like that!" Takuma would say, laughing and smiling. "We respect each other as colleagues. After all, Shunya is my senior, so it's only natural I act this way with him." But isn't everyone technically Takuma's senior? He's the youngest, joined the agency last. "Well... that's true. But I'd always admired him when I was a junior. So it's a bit different. Like, Ryouta and Izo I practically joined the same time. Mamoru doesn't even seem like a senior, he's so airheaded!" It hurts, but... it's for the best. "Weren't you rather close for a while? Then suddenly you became cold." Yuuki hums in fake thought at the question, saying it might seem that way from the outside... but it's always been the same on the inside. He looks to Takuma when he says that, and the youngest nods in agreement. Yuuki can't really read his expressions anymore. These days, just like everyone else, all Yuuki can see is the facade. There has to be something more... but Takuma's wrapped it up so well, it's disappeared. This time, years really do pass, and their relationship stays the same. They're coworkers. Nothing more or less. They trust each other when it comes to work, and rely on each other in those same aspects. Takuma's depression has lessened significantly, so his facade doesn't feel so forced anymore. Yuuki finally has his news casting position, and things are normal. As normal as they can be. They're back on their feet, seeing other people when they have the time. After all, it's been ten years. Yuuki's in his thirties, and Takuma isn't far behind. They've pulled through all of the rough patches, and have made themselves quite the successful group. "I'm thankful to the hard times. Without those, we wouldn't be here today. We wouldn't be as strong as we are today. It's thanks to everyone, that we can stand on this stage." Takuma's smile is brighter than ever, and he just radiates pure love and joy when he's on stage. He always has, but it gets stronger and stronger. All of them are known for staying down to earth, but Yuuki can't help but think that Takuma is a different kind of genuine. They all have projects they care about the most; news, art, acting, community projects... but Takuma's was always performing. To the point he took over as head of concept and design for their concerts. Staying well after midnight to adjust everything so it was absolutely perfect. There wasn't a single one of them that shined brighter than Takuma when he was up on the stage, Yuuki was sure of it. "There are times where we, as humans, struggle. We hit lows and it becomes hard to stand up. I want Tachiiri to be what helps you get back to your feet." He's nothing short of amazing. "If we could even be there for just one person, that's all I can ask for." For a while, Yuuki doesn't know how to deal with it. The timing is all wrong, and it's horrible to even think about it. "I think I'm in love with him." He takes a long drag of his cigarette, staring at the ground as he hears Izo sigh. Izo says that it's bad timing, and Yuuki can't help but laugh a little bitterly. "I'm such a fucking idiot." The guitarist doesn't argue that point, and pats Yuuki on the back. He cruelly points out that Takuma hasn't been with a man since Yuuki, so maybe there's some hope. Yuuki tells him not to joke around, but the magician just shrugs. "You know how much Takuma loved you." Yeah, too much. To the point that Takuma had to deconstruct himself and build himself back up from scratch in an attempt to cope. "If he's not seeing other men, there could still be a chance." But he's seen women since then. "Well, what do I know." Too much, Yuuki thinks. To be honest, Yuuki knows Izo isn't on his side here. But he's not on anyone's side. Izo always plays the middle ground, and acts like nothing affects him. That makes him blunt and honest, which is what Yuuki needs to hear most of the time. So what he was hoping from this conversation, was a 'no way, you can't tell him, he doesn't like you like that'. Something to dissuade him from even thinking of acting on these feelings. "Well I don't want to say anything until I'm sure." "Unlike last time, right?" That burns. "You're a dick." Izo apologizes, but Yuuki doesn't think he means it very much. But it's a heavy reminder that he should know better than to throw those kinds of words around. It would be disgustingly unfair to bring those feelings to their youngest, chancing ripping out his foundation and toppling his stability again. Yuuki wanted to give Takuma the benefit of the doubt, say he was older and stronger now, but he didn't know. He didn't know then just how far Takuma's love reached, and he still doesn't know. Not really. Yuuki doesn't think he could ever understand. Takuma felt everything so deeply, devoted himself entirely... Yuuki wasn't so brave. It was like doing a high dive off the stage with no wires, Takuma always gave his all. Which made Yuuki feel only more and more guilty that he was getting these feelings too late. "Eh~ How nostalgic." Takuma smiles and rocks on his heels, standing under an old tree not far from a shrine, somewhere he and Yuuki used to hang out many years ago now. "It's not like you to call me out like this, did something happen?" Yuuki nervously fidgets with his lighter but turns down a cigarette. He doesn't know how to say it or how to put it. How is he supposed to say that, after all this time, he's fallen in love with the youngest? That hearing marriage and dating rumors for him is torture, not knowing about his life outside of work is painful, not having their old nightly phone calls, being able to hold Takuma's warm hand when they watch something, laughing together at a ridiculous joke the others don't get, eating his home cooked meals, seeing the light blush on his face when you compliment him in a way he doesn't expect... "It's a little hard to say... I think... it was a mistake to call you out here, just forget it." Starting to run away, Yuuki stops as Takuma grabs his hand. It's so familiar, Yuuki could cry. Being told that Takuma wanted to honestly listen, that he wanted to hear Yuuki's troubles, that there was obviously a reason for them to be out here... Takuma was always, always too kind. "You'll hate me." "I could never hate you, come on. Whatever it is, we've been through worse, right?" He doesn't know about that anymore. "I know we haven't been very close for a while, but we're teammates." "I love you." "...What?" "I'm in love with you, Takuma." Facing him properly now, Yuuki feels like he's back to being a teenager suddenly. The walls he's made for Takuma, and as an adult, are wide open. "It's been so long... but I really do. I hate to tell you it, I hate to bring it up after... after I broke up with you so long ago and everything I put you through. But I had to say it. I had to." Is this courage? A trust fall? Or was he being selfish again? Putting his feelings onto Takuma and forcing him to deal with them? He couldn't tell. Takuma's expression is... complicated. He takes his hand back and looks down while pocketing it, then off to the side while biting his lip. "You're still doing it..." Yuuki... doesn't really understand what he means, but he can tell Takuma is feeling the same as him. Like a child again. "For how many years did I have to pretend I didn't care about you?" Yuuki apologizes, but Takuma holds up a hand, signaling not to interrupt. He's almost thirty years old, it's been over ten years since he confessed his love for Yuuki. It's been long enough that he's moved on, that being around Yuuki isn't painful anymore. That he could sleep with someone and not feel guilty afterwards, feeling like he's replacing the person he truly loves. It's been long enough. Yet, here Yuuki is. Taking. "Yuuki... I love you. I've always loved you. I think... I always will, too. That hasn't changed in so long, I don't think I'll ever get back that part of me. Maybe it's because I've never had time away from you, but there's a part of my heart... I think will always belong to you." But it's not that easy... not anymore. "But that's it... just a piece. I love you and I want the best for you, so much that it's painful sometimes. But the part that's different, is how I love myself. I learned so much from you, and because of you, and I'm grateful. I'm confident, excited, more honest... I always wanted to change for you, but I'm finally myself. I can't go back." It hurts, but Yuuki knew it. "I figured as much... Sorry... to make you say it." Takuma's expression softens, and Yuuki can hardly look at it. He's always been so beautiful, but that apologetic face is too much. "I'm happy, though." Because it's hurting Yuuki? Something like revenge? "Sorry if that's rude to say... but I'm happy you told me. I... finally feel free of it. The old me who was always clinging to your hand, chasing after your heels, desperate for your affections. I feel like I'm really an adult now." He smiles and laughs a little, a small tint on his cheeks to show it was something embarrassing to say out loud. Looking up at Takuma, Yuuki tries a smile of his own, but it's hard to keep up. "You're not a little kid anymore, huh... Well, you certainly don't look like one anymore." Both of them laugh at this, and Yuuki unfortunately feels his heart flip, because it's the first time in a long time he's seen Takuma genuinely laugh because of him. Not at him, and not with the others. But just the two of them, and Takuma just glows. But what really catches him off guard, is when there's a hand holding his cheek... and then those ever chapped lips against his own. It's familiar and warm, but Yuuki doesn't know how to react. Even though it's the same as ever, there's something different about it. Not quite happiness, not quite sadness. Something in the middle. "This is how you wanted it to be before... right? When you broke up with me." That's what it was... it was being content. "Sorry you didn't get it then... this one had to be on my terms." It was a goodbye kiss. "Get home safe." Takuma really was... so mature now. He was so much stronger... it wasn't just on the stage, either. It was just who he was. Leaning on the tree, Yuuki didn't watch him go, but he listened to hear Takuma's car start and pull away before letting out a heavy sigh. Maybe this was how it was supposed to end. He didn't really believe in fate or stuff like that, he always believed in paving your own path, but maybe love was different. Maybe Takuma was always meant to love him, and Yuuki was always meant to love him back too late. It was hard to swallow, but that's just how it was. Takuma got to truly see the beginning, and the ending, of his first love. |
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6:42 PM Jul 11