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Love or Like / Love Like You
Topic Started: Mar 23 2018, 01:16 AM (5 Views)
RainyMemory
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After enough torment, it was enough, Takuma decided. They tore his pride down enough, it was about time he made some steel-toed shoes out of the remains to kick the shit out of people. It was an accident, he thinks, becoming this way. Like the sort of accident you make happen. Like if a hero were to purposefully throw himself into some toxic waste and come back with some sick new super powers. Only, of course, throwing yourself into toxic waste and gaining sick new super powers had to come with a downside. Takuma just... couldn't place his finger on what it was. There were bits and pieces here and there he could make out, like the fact that he couldn't let his guard down around anyone anymore. He'd gotten so used to keeping it up, even, that he didn't know how to take it down around the others all the time. He didn't want to seem like he was above them, because he really didn't feel that way. They understood, too. He could tell, because if they didn't, he'd hear about it damn fast.

But the blushing and frustrated shooing of hands away from his butt when they got too greedy changed. Even in private. It wasn't playful anymore, it wasn't warning. It was a slap. He swatted their hands away, stepped back, glared, and told them in such a sharp tone to stop that one time he was sure he saw the color pale in Ryouta's face. Things with Yuuki were the same, but different. The same in the sense that they were still in a weird love-like phase, because they were too busy to sort things out, but different in a way Takuma didn't really understand. Where Yuuki was usually so healing, it made him feel like someone put bugs under his skin. Sex was good, but bad. He was there, enjoying it for all it was worth, but at the same time he felt like he was somewhere else.

Takuma didn't even realize what was happening until Izo pointed it out. "You're acting like I did with Mamoru. Like every time Yuuki gets close, you look like you want to run away but you can't." Which, the more he thought about it, the more correct it seemed. Izo and Mamoru used to always look so unsteady, and then one day Izo got a girlfriend and Mamoru unraveled faster than the speed of light when Izo learned the word 'no'. It was just a different sort of unraveling with them. Yuuki and Takuma were already dating, not a couple, a strange onesided love. When he went over that night, Takuma found himself hesitating to everything, and freezing and pulling away. It got to the point where Yuuki was worried that Takuma had been physically assaulted or something so the contact was making him uncomfortable. It was suffocating, but he felt relieved at the same time. Yuuki knew just how to calm him down, too, when Takuma wanted nothing more than to be pampered and left alone all at the same time.

It took more than a day for the wave of depression to set back in, because he was still so scared, no matter what brave king face he put on. He felt messy and like he was ripping out pieces of him to crush under his feet so that he wouldn't show anyone he was anything less than a king and deserved to be treated as such. Yuuki called first, of course, asking if it was alright to come over. It was their day off, and a weekend at that. "No, not today. I just want to be alone today... I'm not even going to change out of my pajamas or get out of bed..." Being reminded of course to eat and drink water, they had a very short back and forth before Takuma realized what it was that was killing him from inside his wall.

"Daisuki, Takuma."

He returned it, promised to see Yuuki tomorrow, hung up, turned off his phone, and then finally threw it somewhere across the room into a mountain of clothes. He hated it... if Yuuki never said daisuki in his whole life, he'd be happy. Takuma was tired of it, it made him feel sick. He was tired of this half-hearted love. They've been together long enough... he hated to think 'Yuuki should have ai by now' but he was tired of it. Tired of pushing his feelings back so Yuuki wouldn't feel forced to love him back or get scared and break things off. It was exhausted, this one sided love. He liked it better when he thought he had no chance and Yuuki was chasing after Mamoru. This middle ground was rotting, he wanted one way or another, standing around idly didn't suit him anymore. Or, rather, he wasn't capable of it anymore. He was burying his old self, numbing himself, removing the things in his life that made him unstable, and washing his hair of all the rumors and guilt and nerves.

But he didn't know what to say. When Takuma saw Yuuki the next day, intent on getting his feelings across and having a proper conversation of what they were doing in this stagnant relationship, Yuuki had apparently had an especially rough day; one that could only be remedied by sex. Yuuki had learned how to be more aggressive, and Takuma was so weak to it. When Yuuki grabbed him, it wasn't the same as being groped or pulled at by some sleaze. It didn't feel like he was being thrown around and used, it felt like he was needed. Like Yuuki needed him and wanted him. That despite the fact that all the others were probably available, Yuuki wanted him. If you consider the fact that they're dating, it's pitiful that Takuma should have that feeling only on certain occasions. He's supposed to feel that way all the time, wasn't he? Wasn't that the point of this?

His mind wants to put things on pause, tell Yuuki to stop, but his body gives in and reality blurs at the edges. By the time things were over with, Takuma's walls had too many cracks for him to speak up. Anxiety pooled in at his ankles and self doubt chained him down. Being around Yuuki was exhausting, he didn't want to do it anymore, but he loved him. Takuma loved Yuuki for a long time. Back when he was idolizing him, when he followed Yuuki around like a pest of a little brother, when he was a gangly boy with a crush... Day after day of falling further and further in, it was starting to feel like being sucked into the sea. Water was filling up his lungs and every time he wanted to come back for air, something sucked him in. No matter how high he built himself and confident he became, it felt like it was Yuuki's job to break his knees.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You just seemed kind of out of it during sex."

"Mm, I'm just kind of tired. ...Hey... you love me, right?"

"Of course!" Yuuki's arms wrap tighter around him and he leans up to kiss Takuma's head and neck and cheeks. Takuma wants to push that... he wants the question to go deeper in, but every kiss sucks the energy out of him and every 'daisuki' muttered between them makes him want to rip off his skin. They make out for a while, both of them mumbling 'daisuki' between kisses and holding each other softly, which Takuma can't help but notice how lukewarm that feels compared to Yuuki having just previously been pulling him down and dragging nails up Takuma's back during sex.
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basketkitty
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Distance was something he found rather strange, especially considering they were bandmates and he had a break from school at long last. But seeing how off Takuma was getting, how strange he was acting and cold he appeared, Yuuki figured he would comply and take a step back as well.

At first, it wasn't so bad. Yuuki had made a couple friends over at the university and spent his free time with them, but every now and then he'll see a couple holding hands, or will be asked about his own love life and his mind couldn't help but jump back to Takuma. How long had it been since they had gone on a proper date? Even if they were exclusive, wasn't that still important? But Takuma wanted to focus on work, so Yuuki didn't want to press it. But more than that...Yuuki was certain Takuma wanted the break from him.

It hurt, of course, when he overheard Takuma and Izo speaking...to hear them talk about how Takuma seemed like he wanted to run away from Yuuki... But Yuuki couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong. Of course, school and work came first, and they weren't exclusive so there were boundaries still, he was sure... But beyond that, Yuuki felt like he was doing everything right. He called when he could to see how Takuma was doing, asking to see him when they had time, giving it his all during sex, telling him 'Daisuki' as often as he could... What was he doing wrong? He didn't understand. So the only thing he could think of was...Takuma needed room to breathe.

But it was hard sometimes. Because Yuuki couldn't decide what was allowed or not for a break. Should he cut all contact completely? Or was texting okay? What was allowed? What wasn't?

Eventually posing the question to Izo, after a couple days of silence, Yuuki was given the clear to at least text every now and then. After all, Takuma was working a lot of the time, and he kept his phone off to keep from being distracted, so calling was out of the picture.

Taking this into considering, Yuuki spent the next day wondering what his first text would even be in the first place. Was a 'how are you?' too formal? Was an 'I miss you!' too clingy? Was a 'When's your next break?' too desperate? Musing this as he walked through the street, Yuuki sighed, running through several different conversation scenarios in his mind. What would it be like if Takuma were beside him now? What would he say? What would they do?

Smiling at the possibilities playing through his head, his thoughts dancing back to that time spent with Takuma in that city, where they could be as open as they pleased, Yuuki could practically feel the teen's presence beside him. Perhaps with his arm around Yuuki's shoulders, his warm breath against the older teen's hair, his cracked lips brushing against the shell of his ear...

"Oh! There's a new cafe open! Takuma, let's go check it ou--"

Turnning to face the imaginary bassist he'd created, Yuuki froze for a moment and blushed in embarrassment. R-right. He wasn't...actually with him. Wetting his lips now, Yuuki pulled out his phone, which already had Takuma's number displayed first. Of course he couldn't call...and this wasn't something to really excuse seeing him in person over. It was so minor, after all. Just a small thing, but...

'Hey, Takuma! There's a new coffee shop opened, would you like to check it out with me?'

Biting his lip as he looked at the composed text, Yuuki paused for a moment. Then edited it.

'Hey, Takuma! There's a new coffee shop opened, you should check it out!'

Sending that, along with a picture of the location, Yuuki swallowed the small lump in his throat. "He needs space," he murmured to himself as he pocketed his phone. That's right. Space.


The next few days passing in a similar fashion, Yuuki felt himself starting to grow more and more restless and lonely. Almost everything reminded him of Takuma, from seeing a girl where a lilac skirt, to a man wearing a rather fashionable hat, to just the simple smell of coffee roasting. And a good amount of time, Yuuki sent Takuma a text regarding it.

'Check out this rings! I think it's a new shipment, aren't they nice?'

'I bet you could pull of that look better than this mannequin'

'This coffee is amazing, you should get some before work tomorrow'

'This series is so good, Takuma! The library has the whole set, I recommend it'

'Maaya tried out a new dish tonight, here's the recipe for you to try!'

And almost every single text was read...but none of them were replied to. But for every blue check mark, Yuuki promised himself that it was alright. That there wasn't anything to respond with anyway, so it was fine. That Takuma needed the space. That he was busy. That it was okay.


Rolling over with a fairly happy groan, Yuuki reached out his arm, searching for the warm body that he was certain was there...but only felt cold bedsheets. Cracking an eye open now, he let out another groan, this time one that was much more disappointed. Pressing his face into his pillow, he sighed heavily, trying hard to suppress the tears that were suddenly threatening. It had just been a dream... Having Takuma beside him again, feeling his arms around him, kissing him, holding him... A wildly vivid dream of just his presence, of just him being there. No sex, just kisses and staring into his piercingly beautiful eyes. God, he wanted to go back to it... But now that he was awake, he couldn't bring himself to.

Sitting up now, Yuuki stared dismally towards his window, before getting up to open the curtains. The sun was just starting to come up, and the sky was a soft blue with growing streaks of pink and purple...and while it was certainly pretty... Yuuki couldn't get his dream out of his mind. Biting his lip again as he turned away from the window, Yuuki looked at his phone on his bedside table. It had been over a week, right? Almost two, maybe... So maybe...maybe some...flirting was okay by now...

'The sunrise sure is beautiful today. But not nearly as beautiful as you~ <3'

Sending that, Yuuki looked through the stream of text bubbles he had sent over the past while...and felt a strong urge to send just one more.

'I miss you, Takuma.'

Setting his phone aside now, Yuuki rubbed his face and breathed out. He missed him so much... Even though he had changed so much lately, he missed him. He just wanted to be around him again, not even to kiss or hold hands with... But just to sit beside. Just to talk to. But he was so busy lately. Even the others had a hard time seeing him apparently.

And all at once Yuuki regretted his last text. What was he doing, guilt-tripping him like that?! He shouldn't be! Takuma had too much going on, he shouldn't be making him feel guilty for taking this break he needed so badly! So grabbing his phone again, Yuuki went to delete the last message...only to find that it was already read.

Feeling his heart drop into his stomach, Yuuki suddenly perked up at seeing a reply bubble pop up, indicating that Takuma was writing up a response. But after a minute or two, the bubble went away with no reply sent. Sitting there for a good five minutes now, Yuuki waited with baited breath to see if Takuma would try to write back again... But after a while...it was clear he wasn't going to get anything back.

Feeling his face start to burn a little, Yuuki swallowed hard and pulled up the keyboard again.

'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know you still need your space, so don't feel bad! I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Take all the time you need, okay? Daisu--'

"Dai...suki...?" Whispering under his breath as he stared at the characters, Yuuki frowned at the taste. That...didn't feel right anymore. It felt too flat. While it was still technically true, it wasn't...true enough. But was he really ready to say anything else? He still so scared! Sure, his feelings for Mamoru were completely gone now, and all he could think about was Takuma, but... Wasn't it too soon to say anything else? Weren't they still fresh?

"Oh, fuck...what the hell am I doing...?! I'm such an idiot!" Of course it was about time! How long had it been since they started dating? Months! Months on months... And Yuuki was always holding back because he was too scared. He was scared of stepping into something he might not be ready for. He was scared of giving what he thought was his heart, only for it to be nothing and hurting Takuma in the process. But while that made sense back then, back when they were new and fresh...it didn't fit anymore. Now, he was just being stupid, being so careful. Now he was just hurting Takuma more by holding back so much.

Grabbing his phone again, Yuuki once again rewrote the text.

'I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said that. But it's true! I miss you so much... Is there a possibility of seeing you today?'

Sitting there for a good long while again, watching his phone like a hawk, Yuuki nearly jumped off his bed when that coveted reply finally came in.

'I don't get off until late tonight, if that's okay?'

More or less hugging his phone at that rate, Yuuki felt like he was going to burst, his face unable to bear the size of his smile. 'Sounds like dinner and stargazing to me! My treat!'

'Sounds good. And if that coffee shop is still open, maybe we can grab dessert?'


Spending the rest of the day in a mess of nerves and butterflies, Yuuki spent almost entirely too long picking out several outfits and formulating various ways of expressing his newly realized feelings into the mirror, wanting tonight to be perfect. He already had an idea in mind for dinner, with the help of Maaya, and a location for stargazing, after some consulting with his friends from the university. So all that was left was making sure that whatever he spat out wasn't complete trash. Which was...easier said than done.

Evening eventually setting in, Yuuki headed out to the coffee shop, as the plans had been adjusted ever so slightly. Holding a large basket in the crook of his elbow, Yuuki pulled his jacket closer, his nerves making him feel colder than he actually was. However, amazingly enough...the closer he got to the cafe, the warmer he began to feel. But the beating of his heart was still making his ears ring and head spin.

The bells above the door clinging lightly as he stepped into the shop, Yuuki glanced only briefly around before spotting a figure at a table, who's shape made his heart skip and tumble over itself.

"H-hey, Taku... Sorry for the wait..." he said, approaching the table and taking a seat across from the teen.

"Ah, it's okay. I already ordered, by the way. There you go," Takuma replied, pointing to a small latte.

"Eh? Ah, thank you! W-woah, it's got a rabbit in the foam!" Yuuki said, pulling the drink closer to him after setting the basket on the floor by his feet. "That's so cute... What did they do for yours?"

"Oh, uh, just a leaf. Standard," he shrugged.

"Really... That's kind of a shame, you deserve way better than standard issue," Yuuki smiled, taking a sip of his latte now. Though out of the corner of his eye, he could swear he saw Takuma's hands grip his coffee cup a little tighter... "Um, so how's work been? Any exciting new choreography or designs in mind?"

"...What do you really want to talk to me about?"

"Huh?"

"You wanted to see me, right? Why?"

Tipping his head somewhat, Yuuki frowned in mild confusion. "To...see you." Then, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper in case prying ears could hear, he asked, "We...are still dating...yeah?"

"...Are we?"

Feeling a lump start to form, Yuuki swallowed it back and gave a smile, trying hard to stay optimistic. Maybe the space had been too long...or maybe not long enough... But Takuma was here with him, so he shouldn't risk losing him. "What do you think this is?" Yuuki asked, his voice soft and warm. "I really meant I when I said I missed you. And I don't mean, like...in bed... I mean you. So..." Sitting up again, Yuuki smiled again. "How was work? I really wanna know. I wanna know all about it."

Watching as Takuma's hands softened their grip around his cup and his shoulders start to relax as he spoke, Yuuki couldn't keep his smile away, or the adoring look that flitted over his face every now and then. To hear Takuma talk about work was one of his most favourite things, after all. He loved it so much...passion was a beautiful thing...

The air starting to lighten up again, and relax more, the two of them finished their coffees and headed back out, basket in hand towards the designated stargazing location.

"We're so lucky...tonight is really clear, huh?"

"Was that not planned?" Takuma asked, smirking slightly as he glanced towards Yuuki.

Chuckling slightly, Yuuki shook his head. "I was so excited that you finally responded...I typed back the first thing that popped into mind. I really just got lucky," he admitted.

Eventually arriving to the spot, they laid out a blanket from the basket, followed by several containers. "Maaya helped me make this, I hope it's alright," Yuuki said, motioning to the food.

"Well, as long as Maaya helped, it should be safe," Takuma teased.

Eating rather quietly as they looked out over the lights from their vantage point, with the occasional comment of how the food tasted and what to try next, the two finished off their meal rather quickly and cleared off the blanket.

Laying down beside each other, Yuuki finally took the liberty to lace their fingers together, his heart warming rapidly with the action.

"The coffee was a good idea... Otherwise I might fall asleep on you here," Takuma noted, as he looked up at the sky above them.

"Nn...it's okay if you do, you know~ I can carry you back."

"Can you, now?" Takuma asked, glancing down to Yuuki with another smirk.

"I can at least try," Yuuki chuckled, meeting his gaze for a moment. Ah...he wanted to kiss... In the moonlight, with the stars sparkling in his eyes, Takuma was even more radiant than before... He wanted to kiss so bad... But he resisted, and turned his attention back up to the sky.

Laying like that for quite a while, pointing up to the sparse clouds to share ideas of images, and listing off the different constellations they could see, eventually Yuuki couldn't help but every now and again glance over to Takuma, to gaze at how pretty he was and how relaxed he looked in so long. And every now and then, Yuuki swore he could see Takuma turn his head to look back up to the sky at the last second...which of course made his heart flutter at the idea of Takuma gazing at him just as lovingly as he was looking at him.

"Hey...how late can you stay tonight?"

"I...have work pretty early tomorrow..."

"Mm, I see. Okay. I'll try to not keep you too long then," Yuuki nodded. "Um...is it...okay if I get closer?"

"Closer?"

"Like..." Scooting over more, Yuuki lifted Takuma's arm to go around his shoulders before cuddling up to the teen's chest, an arm draped over his stomach. "Like this... It's just been so long, I really miss being so close..."

"Oh, yeah, of course," Takuma nodded, finding Yuuki's hand and lacing their fingers together.

Staying like that for several blissful minutes, Yuuki pressed his ear closer to Takuma's chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, hoping beyond hope that it matched his. That almost erratic rhythm of tense hope and excitement, yet warm and soothing with the knowledge that the person you like is right beside you...holding your hand... Smiling hard, Yuuki pressed his face into Takuma's chest again, feeling like he was about to cry with how happy he was. To be in such a setting with the person you like--no, not like... Love. To be with someone you love...so closely and intimately... Whether or not Takuma loved him back as strongly, Yuuki was glad. He was beyond glad... He didn't even want to think of the idea that Takuma didn't love him back...just as long as he was liked, right? Just as long as he was liked enough for this sort of date... That was fine... That was good enough for him.


The night eventually drawing to a close, as Takuma needed to get home to get enough sleep, Yuuki agreed to walk with him as far as needed. A part of him wanted to invite him over, even, to end the date as they usually would... But he didn't want to do that. He wanted Takuma to know that Yuuki wanted his company for other reasons. Not because he was good in bed.

However, it did feel strange to just end it with a goodbye, too... So when they got to the point where they had to part ways, Yuuki was somewhat torn on how to go about it. But...it was empty... Hardly anyone was around, and he doubted there would be cameras watching them... So with a somewhat shy hand, Yuuki stopped Takuma from turning away after their exchange of 'good night's.

"Huh? Y-Yuuki, we shouldn't... We could get in trouble," Takuma warned as he was pulled down somewhat.

"I-it should be fine, shouldn't it? No one's around... A-and if we get caught, we'll make up a story! So it should be fine," he whispered, his eyes begging for this chance. And it seemed like Takuma was too weak to it to resist...

Their lips meeting for only a moment, Yuuki felt like the Earth was stripped away, leaving just the two of them and a picnic basket in a swirling cloud of stars. His mind crackled and popped and fire traveled through his body, down to the tips of his fingers and toes, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss again. But he resisted and pulled away with just that, somewhat breathless...but only because he had forgotten how to breathe.

Takuma, on the other hand...looked somewhat stunned.

"...Yuuki...?"

Standing there for a long moment, staring at each other, it was clear what was being said...without the use of words. All that was needed was the air between them, full of electricity and life. And the only thing that could cut through it was the rattle of the subway as it pulled up to the station.

"A-ah...looks like your ride is here, huh?" Yuuki noted, finally breaking the spell between them.

"Ah, yeah..." Glancing back towards the subway, Takuma wet his lips and looked back to Yuuki, unable to hide the disappointment on his face.

"Um, do you know when you're next free?"

"T-tomorrow! Tomorrow I have a break, let's get lunch," Takuma said, as he started towards the door that opened, not wanting to miss the trip back.

"Alright, that sounds good! I-I'll text you for details then!"

"Right! Good night!"

"Good night, Takuma!" Yuuki said, waving as the teen got on board. Then, as the doors closed and he watched Takuma find a seat, Yuuki lowered his hand and smiled softly.

"Aishiteru, Takuma..."


And as the subway pulled away from the station, Takuma looked through the window, towards where Yuuki was now leaving as well, and smiled.

"Aishiteru, Yuuki..."
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