| The Best; When Takuma's mental state starts to deteriorate too much, Wolfe suggests to admit him, with Yuuki's consent. | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 23 2018, 01:22 AM (2 Views) | |
| RainyMemory | Mar 23 2018, 01:22 AM Post #1 |
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I can feel every wave of air as I breathe in, it fills my lungs, and I can feel it completely when I exhale. I can feel the push and pull of blood in my veins, I can feel completely when my eyes move, the bump of each taste bud, the stretch of my skin, every beat of my heart, every twitch of every muscle, every pair of eyes focusing on my back, every hair that raises when I hear my name, I can hear every time someone's lips part, every nervous breath, every click of teeth closing together... or, nothing at all. Sometimes I can't hear anything. I'll know there's sound happening, but it doesn't reach any part of my senses. I can't feel anything, even if I slam my hand in a door. I see my body from an outside point of view, my brain empties out to the point I forget my own name. My hair is short and raggedy, the dark circles under my eyes look like bruises, my veins glow through my skin. Yuuki told me that it looks like my bones are showing through my skin, but I can't see it. I see all the rolls of fat, excess skin, wrinkles. Every ugly mole, curves only a woman should have. I can see the shape of my lunch sitting in my stomach no matter how many times I vomit, I can feel the weight of every sugary energy drink I down to keep myself moving. The world spins when I turn my head, every step I take feels like it either weighs thousands of pounds or nothing at all, there's always black corners in my vision, if I close my eye for more than a short moment I lose my balance. Yuuki says it's because I'm not eating properly, but I feel like I'm eating too much. I've put too much useless garbage in my body, to the point that my body refuses to even get excited at the prospect of sex. Not that I look presentable enough for it, regardless. I'm freezing cold in the middle of summer, and I'm chugging pill bottles to either keep myself asleep or awake or thin. Even though Natsuo's gone home, I don't go back to the group. I stay in the hotel room he's left for me, where I leave it dark because lights are too harsh on my tired eyes. No matter how much I insist, Yuuki takes me to see Wolfe. I'll always accompany Yuuki, but... for myself... I don't need it. The rumors back home are keeping me sharp, and I'm holding onto the control I have. The very concept that I need help mentally is outrageous. If the agency found out something like that, or my family, my career would be ruined. Everything I strive for, I'm building, that's keeping me alive; one single piece of paper showing I even once needed counseling, and it would crumble. Leaving me with nothing. No hopes, no dreams, no future. So all I can say when I see Wolfe, is that I'm getting better. That he's imagining problems for me, that Yuuki is just stressed and worried too much. It gets hard when Yuuki cries, but lately I've stopped. I don't have the energy for it, so all I can do is try to console him, promise everything really is okay. I'm really taking care of myself, I'm really okay... "I'm going to have to admit you." I squint at Wolfe, not really understanding. "When people talk about mental health institutions, you always picture a padded room and straight jacket. But that's not the case. It'll be just like living in the hotel, but you'll have group sessions for therapy and more licensed professionals other than myself who will help you. You'll have a set time to wake up and sleep, a set meal plan, set medicine. They'll help you get back into your regular schooling routine there in the building, you'll be allowed to go outside as long as you don't leave the grounds-" "I don't need anything like that. I'm doing fine... I don't understand why you two insist I need to be here." "Takuma... Yuuki told me the others have found you collapsed, that you are on sick leave from the daycare because you dropped unconscious in front of the children... and... well, these." Focusing my eyes carefully as Wolfe sets down some prescription bottles, I hear Yuuki's jaw tense. "Yuuki... found these in your hotel room. Along with multiple empty bottles. Diet pills, sedatives, and amphetamines- these are prescription on top of it. How are you even getting these." "I buy them, like everyone else." "Off a drug dealer? Illegally?" "I only take them when I need them." There's multiple empty bottles. "Yeah, well, I need them often." Being asked if I've ever seen Valley of the Dolls, I claim I haven't. It's a movie about starlets who skyrocket into fame, and, to keep up, they get hooked on dolls. Or, rather, pills. I think one of them dies, but I can't remember, my head is filled with smog and all I can handle right now is what's in front of me. Being warned that this sort of thing will do even worse damage to my career, I roll my eyes, saying Wolfe doesn't understand. That it's not a problem, that I'm managing myself just fine, that I'll stop as soon as I'm not so strung out with trying to catch myself up with everything I'm behind on. Physically, mentally... Yuuki's hand rests on my thigh, and I divert my eyes to avoid even seeing his profile. "Takuma... this is getting out of hand. You weigh less than Izo, and that's saying a lot. What if you were to faint on stage? It's... I'm scared for you." The words dig into my skin but I have to remain strong. This is better than being put in a nut house, I insist. They're worrying for nothing, I insist. Plenty of people get by like this, I'm perfectly fine and healthy, they're just reading too much into it. "You can't even wear your favorite jewelry anymore because it slides off your fingers and wrist." I can hear the stress in Yuuki's voice. He's trying to be calm and patient, but he's on the verge of yelling. It wouldn't be the first time in just the past week that he's snapped at me, screaming while crying. But the tone in his voice isn't quite the verge of yelling... it's almost begging. Like if I don't give in he might die. "Well... it's unfortunate, but we can't let you continue this way. I'm truly sorry, Takuma. I... I suspected you might not be so willing to go on your own, so..." Watching as Wolfe opens the door, I stand up so fast I have to catch myself on the table and Yuuki's arm when he reaches out for me. Two large men step in, here to usher me into a van like a prisoner and take me to the facility. "No, no way, I'm not going. You can't force me. Wolfe, we aren't even on a contract! You have no right to do this!" Backing myself up against a wall as the men came near me, I glared over to the therapist, who said that... if my guardian allowed it, then he had full rights to have me taken there if my safety was in danger. Yuuki and Mamoru both signed off on it. Looking over to Yuuki now, he looks so guilty and desperate. His eyes full of tears already and barely able to meet mine. But I'm glad that he does meet my gaze. It's the most pure look of betrayal I could muster. I want him to read on my face how hurt I am, how it feels like he's ripped my heart out of my chest. I yell and struggle, ending up being picked up and carried out of the room like a child throwing a tantrum. As I'm stuffed into the van, I barely am able to move my head out the door before it closes, seeing Yuuki sobbing brokenly into his hands as he watches. Tears burn hot in my eyes, and each of my eyelashes feel like they're on fire. I can feel every imprint of fingers where I had been grabbed, and it feels like they're crushing me even without the hands still there. I open my mouth to yell, say something, but I can't find the words I want. "This is for the best, Takuma. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... but you're going to kill yourself like this! You're not getting better, you're getting worse!" I clench my jaw in spite. For the best? For who? "You are!" I snap, getting pulled back into the car. "You're what's going to kill me!" The... facility... is clean. It's decent, well kept, the staff are nice. Although, none of them seem very keen with me. I don't have a roommate, so I'm grateful for that much. The cold cement walls are beige, and the beds are white with blue sheets. I get clothes and necessities sent to me in a bag. The other five brought them, but when I see them at the window when I'm told they're here to visit me, I turn away in disgust. To think the four people I trusted the most... would betray me so cruelly... This is for the best? For who? Certainly not me. This was condemning, a death sentence. Immediately they were trying to pump me full of fluids, force fattening food down my throat, not allowing me pills or giving me any chances to vomit. I always had one of the nurses watching me, not always the same one, but they all were the same to me. I refuse to eat, I fight off needles, rip out IVs, spit out whatever 'medicine' they try to give me. Without sedatives, my nightmares are even worse. I never got that imagery rehearsal down, and being in an unfamiliar environment makes it even worse. I lose privileges quickly, I get scolded for skipping group activities. The actually mentally ill in here try to be friends with me, but I don't have the energy for it. Especially not when they purposely aim to make me angry, laughing at the reaction every time my emotions flow out. Sometimes the others come to visit as a group, sometimes separately. I never see them, I don't know what I'd say. Until, eventually, Yuuki shows up with Ashiya. I feel my blood leave my face, and I can't hide or back out. Shakily, although lately I'm always shaking regardless, I take a seat in the meeting room. I'm terrified, and I know it shows on my face. Yuuki's hand goes over mine as he sits next to me, but I can't even look at him. My eyes are focused on Ashiya as she sits down with a lightweight briefcase in her hand. She tries to talk to me about how I'm feeling, how I like it here, but I ask her to spare me the pleasantries. She purses her lips and swallows. "I'm here to talk about... you... leaving the agency." "There's no way I'll do that." "Takuma, you're... look where you are. You need to be focusing on your health, you're so young. You've had too much forced on to you at once, you need to focus on getting better. Moving past this... considering maybe something... less demanding, for your future." "There's nothing else. I'm not interested in changing paths." "Takuma, please, this is what your parents think is best for you. Tachiiri, me, the agency, even Natsuo spoke to me before I came here. You're going to die if you keep this up, you know that? Starving yourself, eating pills like breath mints, refusing therapy for trauma, running yourself around on empty." "I- I won't do those things, then. Just- just get me out of here and things will go back to normal, I promise. I'll- I'll work harder. I'll get work here and improve my image back home, I-" "This is what we're talking about. You're spreading yourself too thin for your work." But I have to, don't I? To be successful, to make my dreams and everyone else's dreams come true. To help people, reach them, to bring them even just a little happiness in a dreary world. "Unfortunately... this... isn't up for debate." I feel time stop as I watch Ashiya open the briefcase, pulling out a small stack of papers. She flips through a couple pages before pushing it towards me to read. My eyes widen at the text, the characters flying past my eyes and down my throat it feels like, stuffing me to the brim. "N... no... no, you can't..." "The agency has force ended your contract... your parents also agreed to it." "Y... you fired me?" "You didn't give us a choice, Takuma-" "Because of something like- like this? I-I'm fine, really! I promise, I swear! I'm fine, I can still work! I can still perform, I- I'm- I- I can do it! I can still work! I- I know that- that maybe I've failed you guys as an elite, but-" "Takuma, you never failed us. If anything, it's us who failed you. Making you push yourself this far..." Yuuki's hand tightens on mine and I rip my hand away from his, turning to face him. "Tachiiri will continue if the others like. If not, we'll work from there, but... Takuma, you have to accept it. It's for the best this way." "Y... you really... Yuuki, why? D-don't... I thought... I thought you loved me... I thought you cared about me, how could you do this?" Yuuki claims it's because he loves me that he had to make this choice, that it wasn't easy but it was obvious. That he's sorry, that this way, I can try to live a peaceful life and focus on being healthy and happy instead of striving to please people with impossible expectations. " |
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6:42 PM Jul 11