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Love is... / Beauty is...; Ryo, a blind girl, is discovered by Mamoru who offers her a modeling gig. A broken love square soon emerges as a result.
Topic Started: Mar 23 2018, 05:12 AM (6 Views)
basketkitty
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Sometimes people have asked me why I do what I do. Why did I choose such a difficult path for myself, when my life was already so hard? This question always bothered me. Why would I choose it? Of course it didn't make sense. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have. Male, female, it didn't make a difference to me. At least, when it came to other people. For my own body, however... But that's a story for another time, and one that I struggled with for years before finally getting the help and acknowledgement I needed. I never did understand why those doctors didn't believe me. With my condition, wasn't I more in-tune to my body than others? Wasn't I more aware of how some things were more 'off' than others? Ah, but I digress~

There is another point to everyone's question towards me. Why did I take the job I took? How do I know what beauty is? Why did it matter to me? I always laugh at that, and ask them why do people dress up nicely? (Hint: I don't let them answer 'For the attention'.) Simply put...it feels good to dress nice. I love the feeling of makeup on my lips and eyes. I love the feel of warm lights, and the silks and satins on my skin... I love how tall I feel in my heels, and the sound of the crowds cheering and cameras snapping. The rush of footsteps, and the excitement in everyone's voices as the paparazzi scramble for a few words from me... And it all started because a man called me beautiful.

I was young at the time. Twenty, I want to say. I remember still needing to take my shots, and I was always in search of someone who could help me pass. Oka-san would help when she wasn't busy, but sadly today was a big day in the restaurant. I wish I could have been more help to her...but there's too much hand-eye coordination involved. So I just keep to myself and do simple jobs where I can. For today, however, I was looking for a new salon. My last one was nice, but eventually they made a new policy not allowing even seeing-eye dogs inside, which didn't allow me to go in. I suppose I could just tie my dog up outside, but...I honestly don't trust that people wouldn't steal him. He's well-trained and bred, just the sort of dog that everyone wants, after all.

That day, however, he managed to lead me to a new place. Well, new in the sense that I'd never been there. I was sure the salon had been there for quite a while, as the doors didn't feel brand-new. Not to say they were old and dusty, either, the handles were simply scratched (no doubt from ladies with long nails), signaling that the shop had many people coming in and out for a long time. I did take a moment to check over the doors and windows, for any signs that might disallow poor Daiki from entering with me...but there weren't any. A woman even went and opened the door for me, asking if I was alright. I laughed and apologized, and she allowed me in.

She was a nice lady, as far as I remember. Her voice had a soft timbre to it, and she was very helpful in finding me a stylist willing to work on someone like me. The young man she introduced me to was a student, training in the salon as part of his classes. He was kind, and had a fairly unique voice, though when compared to mine it no doubt sounded much more normal.

"Ryo, huh? Who's your friend here?" he asked, and judging by Daiki's tail beating against my leg, the young man must have been scratching his ears.

"His name's Daiki~ I hope you don't mine me bringing him in?"

"As long as he behaves, there's no problem," he replied. "Alright, well, let's see what we have to work with. Come with me~"

"Go follow him, Daiki~" Giving the leash a small jostle, I could hear the click of my pet's claws on the floor as he stood up and started walking. Being lead over to some warm lights, I allowed the man (who had introduced himself earlier as Takuma Hideaki) to help me settle into the chair. Once I was sitting, he started to run his fingers through my hair...or what he thought was my hair.

"...Oh."

Biting my lip hard, I closed my eyes, waiting for the prejudice. I honestly wished my hair would just grow as nice and thick as I wanted it to...but even when I grew it out, it was still so thin. And as a result, I was trapped using wigs and hats and...having to try and explain to people when it slips...

"Aha, I'm sorry, I guess I was a little rough," he chuckled, gently pulling the wig off my head. "May I?"

Giving him a small nod, I slowly allowed myself to relax as I listened to him settle my wig on something, possibly a mannequin head. Then, he returned to my natural hair, gently combing through it.

"...Your hair is actually really nice, you know. It's a little thin, but...I think we can help with that. Oh, but, I'm getting ahead of myself," he said, pulling my hair back into a ponytail. "What is it you’re looking for?"

I pause, relief running through me at how accepting he was. I smiled. "I want to be beautiful~"


Perhaps an hour passed, or maybe even more. Takuma lead me from the chair to get my hair washed, during which he told me about the special shampoos and soaps I could try using, as well as various other tips for hair health, such as using oils, and curlers, and so forth. In fact, he even took my natural hair and wrapped it in curlers while he did my makeup. For a student, his hands didn't seem shaky at all, and each brush stroke was as deliberate as the last. I really wished I could see what it looked like, but the sensation of it was good enough for me.

A little bit more time passing, Takuma eventually started to take out my curlers, fluffing my hair around my face and lightly brushed the curls apart before spraying them to stay. Once it was all finished, I heard him straighten up. "Alright, open your eyes?" he asked, as he turned the chair around. Doing as I was asked, I blinked a couple times as well, allowing myself to get used to the mascara. "...Oh. Wow." Hearing the breathlessness in his voice, I smiled slowly, tipping my head. He was so funny. Was he that proud of his skill? Or was I...

"Hey, Mamoru! Mamoru, come here! It's alright, if I show my friend, right?" Takuma asked. I nodded. And after a moment, there was a soft 'Ahh...' from a new voice that sent shivers down my spine.

"She's so beautiful~"


After that experience, I settled on Takuma being my new stylist from then on. It wasn't a hard choice. In fact, it was hardly a choice at all! I met Mamoru after I paid, see, and he offered me a card after reading the info on it for me. ...He was asking if I would be a model for him. For his photography and paintings. And because Takuma worked on all of Mamoru's models, he would be my stylist either way. How could I refuse?

My first job with Mamoru was simple photos of me and Daiki, as promotional material to show off his newest model and her loyal best friend. It was received well, and he soon moved on to various other projects with me and a few other people. Then there were the interviews, gallery showings, public appearances... I ended up being quite busy for a while, eventually slowing down after the initial rush into a much more steady rhythm. I ended up talking a lot with both Takuma and Mamoru as we worked together. We didn't talk much about our personal lives, but I discovered that Takuma was a workaholic and a perfectionist, while Mamoru was more into taking things at his own pace and admiring the world around him. Both men had their moments of bluntness, but they were also very kind and mindful of other people. But the most important difference was that Takuma was definitely livelier, while Mamoru was much more reserved. And...I don't know... I suppose it's a case of opposites attract? Because...well... Before I knew it, I had fallen head over heels in love with the artist.

I didn't notice at first, of course. All I knew was that his voice made my heart flutter, and his eyes, ahh, I wished I could have gazed into them, but I could feel his eyes on me, and the way it made my skin flush. One of the other models claimed that Mamoru's eyes were like the ocean...and she might have meant in terms of colour, but I still couldn't have agreed more. His gaze did feel like the gentle swaying of the tide, enveloping you and carrying you weightlessly across the sea... Even the name of the colour sounded beautiful. Blue...

I suppose with all of that, it was pretty clear that I loved him. In all honesty, I'm not sure what I thought it was before it clicked. But it doesn't matter. What mattered was that I finally realized it. By him asking me to dinner. And then again, a few days later. And then again. And before I knew it, weeks were flying past, and our kisses were deepening, and his soft, warm hands were making me blush more than his gaze. But while Mamoru and I were growing closer, it felt like the opposite was happening between me and Takuma.

"Ne, what's wrong?"

Finally speaking up, after a week of barely talking, I pursed my lips as he brushed powders across my eyes.

"Mm? What do you mean?"

"You seem upset about something."

"...How can you tell?" he asked, and I feel him pull away. I suppose this question was valid. It wasn't like the stylist was acting grumpy or depressed or anything, it was just...

"The smile in your voice is gone," I explained. "Did...did something happen?"

He didn't reply right away. Instead, I heard him rifle through his brushes before returning to touch up my eyes. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."


Takuma's attitude ended up weighing heavily on my mind for the next day or so. He did try to smile more and laugh and joke around...but something felt off about him. And I really wish I could place my finger on what it was... But I couldn't. Mamoru seemed to notice this, too, at least in terms of how it was upsetting me. At least, I think that's why he offered to bring me to his place after work... Or maybe it wasn't, and he just thought our relationship had advanced that far by then. Though...I wasn't so sure if it had.

Not to say that I didn't want to sleep with him. Of course I did! I just... I knew my body wasn't like other females'. I didn't have the money for the operation yet, despite the months of modeling work; and even if I did, I would still have been recovering from it. And...well...I was scared. I loved Mamoru, and I didn't want to lose him. I was scared that if he saw my body, he would be as repulsed as I felt and leave. I was worried that he wouldn't want to touch me anymore. Or even look at me, and I wouldn't be able to feel that floating sensation ever again...

But, still, I let myself be lead to his apartment. Daiki had been left home, as Mamoru was leading me by hand the whole time, as we've come to start doing for dates. Inside, I was first met with the sweet scent of jasmine, with a hint of cinnamon and...an under-lacing of Mamoru's aftershave. Which was odd to say the least. Mamoru didn't really smell much like cinnamon or jasmine...well, maybe he lit some candles earlier in the day, knowing I would be coming over. I didn't get very much time to take in the environment, however, as once the door closed behind us, Mamoru pulled me into another kiss, hardly waiting for me to slip out of my heels. Kissing him back just as hungrily, I stumbled into him a little, my heart racing with both excitement and nerves. It had been so long since I last had sex, which had been with my ex-girlfriend...but it hadn't been as enjoyable as it could have been, and afterward she had started to treat me as a man instead of the woman I was... I didn't want that from Mamoru. I didn't want him to leave me, I didn't want him to change his views of me, I just wanted us to be able to be together and be happy as we were...

I ended up drowning myself in his kisses, trying almost desperately to show him how much he meant to me and how much I needed him. I could feel myself being lead through the apartment, around tables, down a hall, through a door (this I only know because my back hit the frame)...and ultimately onto a bed. Our breathing was heavy and frantic by that point, and I relaxed into the bed as his hands worked open my blouse. However...something happened that I wish never did. I would have taken the stress of being seen naked over what happened next. The front door opened. Mamoru didn't notice at first, which I couldn't blame him. If it weren't for my heightened senses, I probably wouldn't have, either. But he did hear when the bedroom door opened, and he froze over me, and the ocean waves I was wrapped in chilled so suddenly I nearly gasped from shock.

"Oh, I didn't realize you brought a friend." The person speaking up, I could almost hear the 'plop's of disdain hitting the ground. Mamoru climbed off of me and I blushed, closing my shirt as I sat up as well. Footsteps clipped down the hall, and after a moment, I could hear the sound of a sliding door opening and shutting. The smell of jasmine was almost choking by this point, and the heated atmosphere was so cold that if it weren't for the scents on the blanket, I would have wrapped myself up in it right there. ...It was such a big bed, too...

"I-I'm sorry... It's gotten late, I should go," I whispered, buttoning as many buttons as I could as quickly as I could.

"Ah, no, Ryo...it's okay," Mamoru assured me, setting a hand on my shoulder. "Izo doesn't...really mind, ne? He came home...earlier than he should have...anyway. So..." But still, I broke away from the reinitiated kiss. I...just couldn't do it. I loved Mamoru...and I didn't want to lose him...but now a new thought was bouncing around in my head and it made my stomach churn.

"N-no, I'm sorry. Thank you for having me over," I said, trying my best to smile. "Maybe...next time, ne? G-g'night," I said, brushing past him as I stood. Reaching out to where I remembered the door being, I stumbled out into the hall, feeling along the walls as I went. There were frames on the walls, a door that smelled like it lead to a bathroom, a small stand by the entrance of the hall with...various electronics on it... But I couldn't find another bedroom door. Maybe there was another one on the other side of the hall that I missed...or maybe there wasn't one at all. The pungent odor of cigarette smoke now mingling in with the cinnamon and aftershave, I jumped as finally Mamoru reached me, grabbing my hand.

"Ryo, where...are you going?" he asked, pulling me towards himself.

"H-home," I said, trying to pull my wrist back. I felt awful. Terrible. Sick, disgusted, upset... Why hadn't he told me? After all this time...surely something about him living with someone must have come up! A-and maybe I was being too hasty. Maybe I was just too insecure and nervous and clingy...but this whole situation was driving my senses mad, and everything about it made my skin and brain crawl. Why had Mamoru changed tone so quickly when the person he was living with came in? Usually a person would simply get embarrassed. Not icy!

"...Ah...alright...I get it. Just wait a moment...okay? I'll drive you," he said, and there was a slight lilt in his voice to signal a smile...though perhaps one of disappointment. This, too, hurt. And I just shook my head.

"I-it's okay. I can...I can call someone to pick me up," I said, giving him a tight-lipped smile in return. "Really, I'll be alright. I'm sorry for running out like this, but..." I cleared my throat, unable to come up with anything more to say. So instead I just smiled a little more, and allowed Mamoru to at least lead me to the door. The air was less like ice at this point, though the water was still tepid, and it didn't improve much at all once I was outside and out of the ocean that were his eyes...
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I've stopped being able to sleep well lately. I've always valued my sleep, of course, but...I've come to value the reason for the loss just as much. It's the only time I get to spend with her, after all. Though, who am I kidding? It's not even her. It's the thought of her.
Most nights, I end up just laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and picturing her head popping in front of my vision, her pastel green eyes sparkling as she smiled down at me, her brown curls tickling my cheek. I picture her leaning in close, clumsily bumping into my nose as her lips try to find mind, and my hand runs through her soft hair as I breathe in the sweet scent of her cookie-dough perfume. I imagine her tongue tasting like home-cooked Chinese cuisine, and I can almost hear her giggle in embarrassment as we break away for breath, her slender fingers playing with my collar...

But nothing like that would ever happen. Because she's dating another man. A friend of mine, in fact. Even worse still, a colleague. Someone I have to see every day. And every day I have to see them interact. And every day I watch him play with her hair, and lean in too close, and steal kisses when they think the others aren't looking... And every day I have to smile and resist the urge to grab her and kiss off the lipstick that I had just applied on her.

But the worst part is... Because I don't know much about her... I wonder if I'm just in love with the idea of her. Am I just in love with her components? A blind model, assigned male at birth, but raising herself as a gorgeous female... It's so interesting, it's almost surreal. Am I just in love with that? Or do I love Ryo? Do I love her character, or do I love her person? I...I just don't know.


"Ryo...is something the matter?"

It was mid-morning, a little after nine o'clock, the usual time that we open and when Ryo comes in for her passing makeup. Personally, I didn't think she needed it anymore, but she insisted, saying that she'd been wearing it all for so long it didn't feel right without a good layer or two of foundation and powders. She at least didn't have work today, allowing me to satisfy both our wishes with very natural-looking makeup. Though while I was working, I noticed something...off about her demeanor, prompting the question.

"Mn? What do you mean?" she asked, smiling softly.

I kept my expression just as soft, yet impassive as I looked at her reflection. "The smile in your voice is gone."

This prompted her expression to falter, her smile melting into...such a sad look that I instantly regretted saying anything at all. How could I even comfort her the way I wanted to, after all? I bit my lip and glanced around. The salon was mostly empty, as Ryo was usually our first customer in the day, so I didn't have anyone waiting around. I knelt in front of her, taking her hand and lowering my voice.

"You...went to Mamoru's place last night, right? ...If something happened, you can tell me," I whispered, and her hands tightened around my fingers.

"...D-do you...do you know...who Mamoru lives with?" she asked, her voice halting and slow. I nodded and scooted in closer.

"Yeah, Izo. He sometimes asks me to help him with makeup for his plays. ...Why?"

This time, it took even longer for her to answer. She just frowned in thought, bowing her head slightly. "...It's nothing... I'm just thinking too much about it. Sorry for worrying you," she finally said, smiling again as she released my hands. But it wasn't okay, was it? She still looked concerned over it, my answer not giving her any closure, and her own questions not helping me, either. But it wasn't like I could pursue it...

Sadly, I didn't meet Mamoru that day. He had the day off, so he was probably going fishing or something, which seemed highly likely when I saw him the next day, tanner and tired out. When he came into the studio, I stopped setting up and grabbed his arm, hauling him to one of the private backrooms. Of course, he was completely lost on what I was doing, but... I'd been thinking about it. And I think I know what was going on.

"Mamoru, what happened with you and Ryo the other night?" I asked, setting my hands on my hips as I glared at him.

"...What night...?"

"The night you took her to your place. She said she met Izo?"

"...Oh."

"What did you guys do? I swear to God, if you had hurt her..."

"Of course not!" Speaking up more now, he frowned back at me, clearly offended by that accusation. "I would...never hurt her."

We went quiet for a moment, weighing each other. I chewed my lip, my eyes glancing down to his slightly opened collar. "...You're still sleeping with him, aren't you."

No answer. Bingo.

"Mamoru--"

"I'm not. We broke up...last year," he said, looking away now. "Why would I...sleep with him...when I have Ryo?"

"Then what's this?!" Snapping at the obvious lie, I stepped forward and pulled down his collar more, exposing his hickeyed neck, letting him see his reflection in the dressing room's vanity.

"...It's from...Ryo." Another lie.

"Ryo's said you two never had sex yet." This was a lie of my own, but I had picked up enough things to believe it to be the case. Mamoru knew her and I talked a lot, as well...so it was easily believed by him, too.

He roughly brushed my hands away from himself and stepped away, crossing his arms like a pouting child. "...It's not...like she knows. It's not...hurting her."

At this, I froze. I froze, and I slowly started to walk back, my calves touching a chair which I allowed myself to drop into, not once breaking gaze with the petulant artist. I could not believe it. And my expression stated that clearly. Did Mamoru honestly just hear what he just said? 'Didn't hurt her'...

"So, ignorance is bliss? ...You do realize that when she finds out, it's going to upset her so much, right?"

"It's fine! She's never going to find out, it's--"

"No! No, it's not 'fine'!" Breaking completely, I jumped up, pointing at him with a shaking finger. "Do you even realize how much this will affect her when she finds out? And don't give me that bullshit that she won't! She will! She's way more perceptive than you think she is. Just because she's blind doesn't mean that you can trick her and use her like this!" Breathing heavily, I stomped closer to Mamoru, keeping him there to avoid him running off. "She's so fucking insecure, you have no idea. She puts so much trust into us, letting us lead her around like we do... Do you understand how fucking easy it is to lead her somewhere and hurt her? Someone grabs her off the street and drives her some place, and she can't say who it is or where they took her. And! If she finds out that you're fucking someone behind her back, what is that going to tell her? That she's inferior in your eyes! That you don't care about her. That she's not even worthy of human fucking decency from the very person she loves! She'll think she's ugly, she'll think she's better off trying to be a man but that doesn't fit her, and she resorts to...t-to..."

I couldn't go on. My whole body was shaking at that point, and my breathing was so laboured that I was amazed I hadn't started crying. But I was just about ready to. Mamoru looked just about the same.

"...Wh...what...sh-should I...what should I do, then...?" he asked, holding onto his arms, tears brimming in his eyes. Maybe my speech was too strong for him...but I couldn't help but feel relieved to see that he was finally understanding the severity of the situation. "I...I still...I still love her," he whispered, closing his eyes.

I closed mine, too. "...Do you really? Because I don't think you do. ...I think you're avoiding Izo. And you need to stop that."

He sniffed hard, rubbing the heel of his hand roughly into his eye. "B-but I can't! I...I messed up...too badly with Izo... I can't go back to him..."

"And yet you're going back to him every night, aren't you? Listen, Mamo." Speaking softer now, but no less stern, I took the man's shoulders, pulling him to face me. "If you love them...you need to be truthful. You can either move out from Izo...or break up with Ryo. Those are your options. Whoever you love most...I'm sure you can do it," I said, finally pulling him into a hug. "You're not a bad person, Mamoru. I know you can make the right choice... Just try..."
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She didn't come back to the salon very often after that. When she did, it was only because her mother was much too busy, and even then, it was clear that the poor girl wasn't in any mood for discussion. It was...difficult, to say the least. To have to kneel in front of her, inches from her face which...held no more smiles, and have to bear with the fact that her depression was...because of me. And I have to choke and stomp down the dreadful thought of 'What if Mamoru was right?'...because I know he wasn't. He couldn't have been right. Asking him to break up with Ryo was for her benefit, her own good. It was painful now...but she would heal. I just can't help the process. Not yet.

Days slowly went past, with Ryo coming in every once in a while, sometimes with days in between visits. During those times, I've come to start calling her to make sure everything is okay, and I usually get her mother, who says that her poor daughter was just...too heartbroken still to move on yet. That she refused to speak, or so much as move. It was after one of these calls that I...I did something that surprised even myself. I offered to come visit.

I didn't have any work that day, aside from a short shift at the beauty salon (in the early morning for in case Ryo came in), so around lunchtime I packed up my things and headed for the Chinese restaurant. It was actually a really cozy looking place, and the smell reminded me that I still hadn't eaten yet. While waiting in line, I noticed that above the counter, there was a shelf of memorabilia for the restaurant, most of them depicting Ryo. I suppose even they recognized what a beautiful daughter they had, and happily displaying it like that was definitely a nice thing to see. I would probably consider the idea that they were cashing in on their child's recent success and popularity...but the photos looked rather old now, and in some Ryo looked younger than she currently was.

Eventually reaching the counter, I realized I hadn't actually thought of what to buy, and in a panic, I just asked for the special. Though while I was taking out some money to pay, the boy running the cash register gave me a second glance.

"Are you...you're Ryo's stylist, yeah?"

"Oh! Yeah, I am. You're her brother, Souta, right?"

"Y-yeah. ...I just think it's funny...you coming by finally when she's like this..." he hummed, counting out my change under his breath.

"Ah...that is...I actually came to visit her... I don't suppose she's here?"

"Oh, she is, actually. We've been keeping an eye on her," he said, his voice dropping as another customer entered and stood behind me. "Go ahead and take a seat, your order will be done soon." Smiling now, he passed over my receipt and turned to the next man as I nodded and made way for a window seat.

Just as he promised, my lunch didn't take that long to come, and it was actually pretty good. Though I didn't have long to eat before someone walked over to my table. Glancing up, I was actually a little surprised that Souta had brought his sister out, leading her by the hand to my table. Giving a quiet nod to us, he had her sit down then hurried back to his post, leaving Ryo and me to figure out where to begin.

"Oh, hey, Ryo! Sorry, I was eating," I said, pushing aside my plate to avoid her knocking anything over.

"Oh...most people do that here," she said, giving a small smile. But as cute as her joke was, I felt a pang as I noticed that none of its components matched. There was no giggle, there was no lift in the brows, no sparkle in her eyes... But I smiled, because that's what she needed. Even if she couldn't see it, I was certain she could feel it in the air, passing through the molecules and settling on her skin to warm her. It had to. It was all I could do.

"I can see why, too. It's really good," I continued, helping myself to another quick bite. "But...reason I really came here was to see you. ...How are you holding up?"

Here, her smile dimmed more, and the pure depression in her features made the rice in my mouth stick. "Thank you... But you really don't need to worry. I'll be okay," she said, setting her hands on the table.

But before she could do anything, I reached out, my fingers lightly touching hers.
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