| Letters; When Ryouta makes the terrible mistake of scaring Izo, he can never forgive himself. | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 23 2018, 12:40 PM (3 Views) | |
| basketkitty | Mar 23 2018, 12:40 PM Post #1 |
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I didn't think I was getting tired of him. I'd hate to think I was getting tired of him. None of this was his fault, it wasn't by any of his doing. I just...after running around for who knows how long, in such a panic that I nearly threw up and hyperventilated, when I finally found him... I remember when I was little, seven years old, with my little brother who was three at the time. I remember going to the zoo with my family, and my mother instructed me to stay put on a bench while she went to go buy us a drink. I remember still being able to see her off to my right, at a kiosk just a few feet away. I remember also being able to see a pen we hadn't gone to, yet, just around the corner to my left. I didn't know how long Mom was going to take, and being impatient, and assuming that because I could see both Mom and the pen, that she could see both as well, I took my little brother's hand and we went there together. I remember not really seeing the big deal about what I did. I was only gone for a couple of minutes, or so it felt like, when suddenly I heard my parents calling for us and they came running and hugging us. I remember being asked 'Why didn't you just stay on the bench? Why don't you ever just stay put?'. I never understood why they were so upset...why they were so worried... But now I do. And out of instinct, I asked him a similar question. "Why didn't you just go to the nurse? Why don't you ever go to the nurse?" I was never sick of him. I could never be sick of him. I love him. But it's because of this love that sometimes the worry I have over him drives me insane. How can I help him when I can't help him? He refuses to go to the nurse, he refuses to tell us his problems... I don't understand it, and it hurts and makes me feel sick. And out of frustration, I snapped. "You didn't need to go to your locker, though! You just needed to go the nurse. But I'm not even talking about this time...you still could have gone the other times, too, you know! To get looked at, to rest up...you don't take care of yourself anymore, Izo, and it's killing us, just as much as it's killing you!" I don't know how loud I let my voice get, but I remember breathing pretty heavily when I finished. I don't know what sort of expression I held, but I remember Izo curling up, and the horrific cries he was letting out when I was done. I don't know if he heard me...but I remember not liking the idea that he hadn't. "Stop it! You stop it right now, there's no need for that! Stop screaming, you're going to cause a scene! Just calm down! You can't keep doing whatever you want all the time!!" I had grabbed at him and held him tight, trying to get him to stop struggling and calm down. I was tired of being soft, because it wasn't working. I was frustrated, exhausted, and still in a high panic from earlier. I was pissed off at the bullies for locking him up, I was upset that he was so worked up, and more than anything did I just wanted to be selfish and run away. But I couldn't. Because Izo only had me right now. "Hey! Who's making all that noise? What on earth is going on?!" I don't really remember much after hearing those words, only that I could feel grown-ups pulling at my arms and tearing me away from Izo who seemed...far more happy in a stranger's arms than in mine. I remember quite clearly, the looks of terror in his eyes before he buried his face in the woman's shoulder. I remember getting into a lot of trouble for what happened, for harassing a fellow student. Izo was the only other witness there, but he wasn't in any condition to testify. And I was far too fed up and upset to explain myself rationally. So I let myself get suspended. When I got home, and had calmed down some, of course I was questioned about what happened. It wasn't like the others couldn't have been in the dark about the whole thing, as much as I would have liked to put it in the past. But...as reasonable as I thought my explanation was, the others didn't think so. At the very least, now I finally understand where I had gone wrong, but I was no longer in any position to make amends. Izo had locked himself away in Mamoru's room the moment we had got home, and the others were plenty irritated with me for lashing out, saying that no matter what, there was no reason for me to have done that. "Look, I'm the hotheaded one around here, and when even I can keep my cool for Izo's sake, I think you can, too!" "Yuuki's right. We're all going through a really hard time right now, Ryouta. Using that as an excuse doesn't make what you did okay." "I'm not saying what I did was okay! I'm just saying that's what I did because I was tired and upset! You...you can't say anything until you had gone through what I did!! You have no idea how panicked and upset I was! I couldn't find him anywhere! And if he had just gone to the nurse, then that wouldn't have been a problem at all!!" "But...Izo was trying to go...to the nurse. He got caught and locked...in his locker before he could. Yelling at him...for not doing something...which he couldn't help...that's not right." I think it was at that point, that I gave up. I glared at them all long and hard, and they glared right back at me before I turned on my heels and stormed out of the house. I cried a lot on the way to Natsuo's hotel. I cried the whole way, really. At one point I stopped in an alleyway and found a pipe and smacked it against the walls for a while until I couldn't anymore. Then I stumbled back out on the street and continued on, sobbing and crying into my sleeve the rest of the way. "Ryouta? What's wrong?" "I...I snapped at Izo...and now everyone hates me... I-I'm sorry, but could I...could I stay with you tonight?" But not even Natsuo wanted to stay in the same room as I was, and he rented me the cheapest one he could. I promised to pay him back, then I locked the door and cried until morning. Then until evening. I skipped school, since I was suspended anyway. I eventually managed to calm down properly after a long hot shower and a decent enough meal in the lobby. I walked around the hotel grounds for a bit as well, before deciding I could try my hand at going back home. I think I finally know what true pain feels like. That sudden jerk in your chest and screaming in your heart that makes your guts twist and head spin...I think that's how it feels when your only child passes away. Or when your sibling dies, or your parent...or your loved one. I ran away. The moment I saw his reaction, the pain started, and it took me a moment to catch my breath before I was able to move my legs to run. Of course, I didn't return to the hotel. I went somewhere, I don't remember where, and I cried for a good long time again. Somehow, in the vague fuzz that was my next couple of days, I had managed to get myself a cheap apartment in the slums of the town. I hated it, because it was cold, termite-ridden, smelly, and completely unsound-proof. But it put a roof over my head and it came with a bed, a stove, and a fridge. I also found a job in a place nearby, someplace desperate for workers. I mostly swept floors and carried boxes around. It was mindless work, but it got me moving, and it kept me from living on the streets in a puddle of my own tears. 'I'm sorry...until Izo calms down, you probably won't see me again.' I stopped trying to go back home to Tachiiri. After seeing Izo freak out like that, I broke my ties with them. I sent them each a text, saying I wasn't coming home. That I wasn't going to school anymore. That I...would probably have to quit the band for now, too. I would have liked to have not written out anything, but I knew that wasn't possible. I got a lot of messages back, most of them from Yuuki and Takuma, saying I didn't need to go that far. That eventually Izo would calm down as long as I was home. But they just don't understand. "Mm...like this one. I'd like it that short." I cut my hair, even. I considered the possibility of Izo seeing me in the street breaking down, and that excruciating pain came back into my chest. I won't say it was the easiest decision to make...but I had to do it. For his sake. I can't grab handfuls of it anymore, unless I scrape my scalp, and it feels weird to no longer have my bangs in my eyes anymore...but for Izo, I can adapt. I've adapted this much already. "Jeez, man. Can't you invest in a razor?" I've started growing out my beard, too. It's a slow process, and it comes out patchy, but I don't care about how good I look anymore. I'm a minimum-wage worker now, living in a dump of an apartment. I don't have any time or energy to focus on appearance. Only that I look different than I used to. 'Dear Izo. I spent a long time thinking about what I did, and a long time regretting it. I've always wanted to tell you how much I love you, but those words will probably sound really hollow now, huh? ...Sorry I'm not as good with words as Yuuki, but I do want to let you know, that I wish I had done something different back then. I hope that someday...you might be able to forgive me. With love, Ryouta.' I sent him a letter, after almost a month of living by myself. I don't know how well it would work, and I don't expect a response... But I do want to try and patch things up somewhat. Sometimes I think about how sad and painful and lonely it was to spend those two days with Yuuki in the house that time. And then I think about how everyone always considered me the sunshine of the group. And how now without their sun... But I've cried all my tears out, and I don't think I can cry anymore. So instead, I focus my energy on letters. 'I got myself an apartment I'm staying in. The rent is coming soon, I hope I have enough for it. I got a job, too. It's boring, but I'm getting stronger from it! I don't like my coworkers, but I've learned to sell the cigarettes they give me to my neighbors for extra money! I thought you'd be proud to hear that, ahah~' 'Wow! My rent was cheaper than I thought! I went and spent the extra money to buy myself a card table and a folding chair. Now I feel like a king, heehee! ヽ(`◇´)/' 'Last night I ate some really good cheap pasta for dinner~ I didn't know there was so much good food out there you can get for so little money! Here, I included a package for you to try! And, you know, I think I'm getting better at cooking, too. Ah, I wanna make dinner for everyone now!' I wrote a letter every day. Every day, I would sit down in between shifts and write out the first comment about my life I could think of. Some letters were really short, and some were fairly lengthy...and sometimes I wondered if I was bother Izo with all of them. But then I remembered how often I would talk to him before, even back in Japan. Every day I would find a way to text him, or call him, or even just randomly appear wherever he was to say hi. He never minded back then... And maybe this sort of thing would remind him of back home. And maybe he'll remember what I really am like. 'Last night the hot water went out in the middle of my shower. It was so cold! (´;д;`) I hope it comes back soon... I guess I don't mind cold showers, but the windows don't close in this place! It's so cold! I think next I'll invest in a big blanket.' 'Ahhh! I bought a new blanket, then I realized I should have bought something to cover the holes in the wall! So I nailed my old blanket over the cracks. I'm so clever! (´∇ノ`*)ノ' 'Ehhh, it's raining pretty hard lately, isn't it? I really hope it doesn't storm...if it does, please be safe, Izo! I'm really sorry I can't be there for you...but I trust Riida can protect you! (ɔ´ ³(ノдヽ) ♡♡♡' 'Ryouta...Izo's ready for you to come home, now. We're all ready for you to come home, now. We'll be waiting~' I stood in front of my door with that letter for who knows how long. Eventually I took my phone out and unblocked their numbers. For a moment, my phone crashed with how many calls and messages came swarming in. I laughed. It was probably the first time in two months I had. I wasted no time in quitting my job and moving out of the apartment. I brought my blanket and food with me, but I left the table and chair and soaps I'd bought. Though in the bus ride to a place closer to the house, I turned my phone back on and raised it up, taking a picture of myself. 'I look very different now, so make sure he knows it's still me, okay? otherwise, eheh, I might need to borrow someone's razor~' I'm a little scared about going home. But I'm excited at the same time. I missed all of them an awful lot, and I want them to see how much I've grown and changed. But they probably weren't expecting just how much I had. At first, he didn't recognize me. He didn't believe the text I'd sent, or at least didn't really think it was real. But when I smiled, and I waved, and I whispered the words... "Hi, Izo." I never knew someone so fragile and small could hug so tight. |
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| RainyMemory | Mar 23 2018, 12:41 PM Post #2 |
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Prologue I'd been beaten, taped up, stuffed in a locker; I was running low on sleep, food, water. My sanity was on edge, and I was exhausted, so being held by Ryouta was plenty welcome. But he said it, he just had to say it. 'Why didn't you'. Everyone always wonders that. 'Why didn't you'. I didn't do a lot of things because of that ever lasting question. I blame myself, I apologize, but I don't like it. People who are supposed to be helping me, holding me, rubbing my back and whispering reassurances... asking me 'why didn't you'. Like it was my fault, like I should've done something different and I could've done something different; like if I had just done the one thing then this mess wouldn't happen. My mental gears ground tight and I pushed away from Ryouta, standing up to shove things back into my locker. "I was going to go to the nurse. I just- I was just dropping off my stuff--" Turning around to look at Ryouta, I cut off as Ryou started... screaming at me. My gears ground even tighter, screeching so loud I stopped being able to hear and everything got so tight it broke apart all at once. My vision going blurry, doubled, and tunneled at the exact same time; I screamed and curled up in a ball in defense. I covered my ears, my head playing noisy feedback. To make things worse, Ryouta grabbed me, and then it really started. Shoving his chest, he was holding me too tight, and I just barely heard him told me to stop. I could barely breathe, nothing made sense anymore. I could already feel it, Ryouta's hands crushing my throat to make me stop. One hand holding me down and punching me until it was over. Being shoved onto the floor and kicked and stomped on until my ribs were through my lungs and that was it. For once in my life, adults actually came to see what was happening. A few people got Ryouta off of me before he could kill me, and someone pulled me up and away. Looking back at Ryouta, my eyes wide and body shaking, I finally stopped screaming and was now just regularly crying. Hiding my face against the woman who'd picked me up, barely keeping from breaking down again. I was taken to the nurse to get looked at, and Mamoru was called downstairs to help calm me down. Afterwards, I was allowed time off from school, as was Mamoru to look after me. When we got home, in separate cars, I could feel bruising where Ryou's hands were on me. I ran upstairs, locking myself up in Yuuki and Mamoru's room and in their closet. |
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6:41 PM Jul 11