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Epilogue; Final 5 Onward - Nexus
Topic Started: Jan 11 2017, 11:40 PM (161 Views)
Tyrael
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I think I'm done playing these games. I'm tired of not winning or getting anywhere close, regardless of what I do. Either I go out pre-merge and feel totally awful, or make it into the merge and invite myself into a deluge of agony until I inevitably am a blase boot of some sort.

I've been on Mafiascum for ages, and playing Survivor games here just as long. I know I've taken breaks and been inactive so I haven't played the most games by any means, but I haven't won one, and that really, really bugs me. A trap that continuously befalls me is for me to be interested in something, and then all the people around me get into it and they soon become better than me at it. Like my best friend got into Pokemon; that's great, and we had a fascinating 45-minute conversation about Sun and Moon last time we met, but now they are better than me and it really irks me. Or maybe it's just the essence of something being there, all cool and sophisticated, and I just know I will never be able to master it as well as everyone else seemingly can. Like I really wanted to get into League of Legends because it's really cool storywise, but I'm just not good enough at it. So then, you get everyone on MS who is good having a conversation about it, and I pretty much have to step away because it makes me jealous and sad and on the verge of tears. That's how discussions about Survivor games are becoming; I hear everyone talk about their grandiose strategy and excellent play and I just tremble in a corner. I feel like I don't have the minmax genes to be good at anything.

(at this point I'm crying.)

I'm just . . . tired. In years past I've proven to be an incapable mod, so I feel I can't do anything on that front to help the MS Survivor community. We've got a wonderful streak going and I'm just going to step in and do something like Summertime where I foist all responsibility upon someone else. That won't make me feel any better! So there's that, and then on the player side, I'm just not capable. I'm tired of being a confessional monkey. I guess it's interesting for some people, but right now it's just feeling like I typed a billion words across this site just for someone else to win. It's so, so petty too, to be like "I didn't win so I hate this" . . . but it's true. It's disheartening. It feels like everyone else is improving, nailing their opportunities, winning, and once again I'm stuck.

I'm so glad Kingsmeet isn't going to be a SurvivorMeet, to be honest, because after all this it would just be a fool's errand for me to be in it, I think. Every game I play is just going to be either Path A: I play like Stoutland or Carly or Joanna and middle my way to a compromise boot, or Path B: I play like Butter Pecan or Tyrael, I overplay, and my mistakes catch up with me before the end. Even then, what if I did make it to the end? I don't know if I'd have the wherewithal to explain myself and my game reasonably well. All of this, all this failure, and I can't improve, I don't know how to, or I don't want to. I'll just hammer the same square peg into a round hole until I've chipped enough way and it's a rough misfit of a fit. I don't want that. I'm tossing the peg and the hammer away and walking away.

It sucks to end this game lower than I started, but I guess that was the ultimatum I started out with. It started out so well, and then the whole thing molted its glossy exterior to show the still-shriveled incompletion that lay underneath.

- - -

I guess this means discount my Doodle entry, or like, undervalue it. I'll come back and read this all because I'm a glutton for punishment, but I don't know if I want to be there live. It just opens doors to houses I don't want to see.

- - -

I do still contend that this was a well-moderated game, though. I don't know what Soldier: 76 is on about with the abundance of Idols.

- - -

I can believe what an utter fool everyone thinks I am for posting a confessional post in the TC thread. The fact that nothing changed because of it is the most horrific.

And I'm not even an All Star
And Ysera thinks I'm a nutcase and she's probably Shadoweh which means Shadoweh has foiled me again
And even though I thought I was the manipulative OTT villain, it still seems like no one really cares about me in the jury threads

;_;
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Tyrael
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I spent so much time at work on this game and it was all in vain, so it was truly useless and now I've wasted time
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Cho'Gall
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If you view everything that isn't an absolute success as a waste of time, there's no point in doing anything in life. Nothing is ever going to go as hoped, but we keep living and you choose what you take away from your experiences.
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Tyrael
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My entire life is measured in successes. If I fail to do something in can disrupt several other people in negative ways.

I don't want to talk to the rest of the jury in part because I feel like most of them are there because of how I played this game and now that I'm also there, everything I did didn't even help me get the win. So now we're all losers.

I don't know how to live any other way.
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Rexxar
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I loved watching you, other than when you were hurting. Even then, your brand of suffering has a certain perverse beauty to it. I guess it's very raw and human.

Chevre, you are an all-star. Now, if you think this game isn't for you, that's fine. Sashay away and all that. I can attest that it's more often emotionally draining and painful than fun or uplifting, and I would not recommend it to a friend.

But anyway, I think you're just great. It probably doesn't help to say this, but it's just a game -- and because of that, really it's a time sink by definition. Winning feels good, but it doesn't change that a bunch of time was spent on a thing and your actual life is pretty much the same as it was before. If you don't enjoy it, then I agree that you probably shouldn't play, which is advice I can't seem to follow myself but more power to you if you can.
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Rexxar
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Also, it will hurt less in about two weeks, if your pain patterns are like mine anyway
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Cho'Gall
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I just generally really think you're an amazing person and don't want you to feel any of this stress in your life. :(
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Darius Crowley
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<3

I haven't been following this game but I've watched and cheered for you in other games like Joanna, Butter Pecan, and Korin. One of my favorite parts from DBZA was your charts about whether you talked strategy with people. Everything you did in PSV was magic. I think you're a great player because it takes skill to be able to play different ways and adjust your game. I can't do that. There are people in our playgroup here that I probably couldn't tell you what they played in or why I would want to root for them, so in that regard, you are successful.
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Tyrael
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Thanks everyone, truly. I mean now I feel like I'm just fishing for compliments, but at heart I know it's all sincere.

I just watched the #2016 live reveal because it gives me life and I just want to apologize for not keeping this confessional a fun space, because Lord knows I whined every single day.

I'm trying to have a better outlook after waking up today; just, how can I be a better person? Mixed results so far, but it is only 8:49. I am looking forward to the fact that I just don't have to be concerned about any social interactions here tonight! Maybe I can squeeze in three episodes of Project Runway

Also I am at work and I'm still on here, so like Lykke Li, I never learn.

There is still one thing that nags at me -- well, two, where did Ysera get her idol? Like, I saw the Glitch forums sticking around so I figured there might be one there but I also wondered if you were just leaving it open to encourage people to figure out the Cow Level one? But the real thing is: WHY 3D Models. Like I remember that the application said we were supposed to lean towards characters with 3d models available and then as far as I could tell they were never used.

:)
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Skelesaurus Hex
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I don't know what you're talking about with this confessional not being a fun place at any time.

But then I tried reading my own confessionals recently, and nothing is as bad as some of those.
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