| Epilogue; Final 5 Onward - Nexus | |
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| Topic Started: Jan 11 2017, 11:40 PM (164 Views) | |
| Tyrael | Jan 11 2017, 11:40 PM Post #1 |
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I think I'm done playing these games. I'm tired of not winning or getting anywhere close, regardless of what I do. Either I go out pre-merge and feel totally awful, or make it into the merge and invite myself into a deluge of agony until I inevitably am a blase boot of some sort. I've been on Mafiascum for ages, and playing Survivor games here just as long. I know I've taken breaks and been inactive so I haven't played the most games by any means, but I haven't won one, and that really, really bugs me. A trap that continuously befalls me is for me to be interested in something, and then all the people around me get into it and they soon become better than me at it. Like my best friend got into Pokemon; that's great, and we had a fascinating 45-minute conversation about Sun and Moon last time we met, but now they are better than me and it really irks me. Or maybe it's just the essence of something being there, all cool and sophisticated, and I just know I will never be able to master it as well as everyone else seemingly can. Like I really wanted to get into League of Legends because it's really cool storywise, but I'm just not good enough at it. So then, you get everyone on MS who is good having a conversation about it, and I pretty much have to step away because it makes me jealous and sad and on the verge of tears. That's how discussions about Survivor games are becoming; I hear everyone talk about their grandiose strategy and excellent play and I just tremble in a corner. I feel like I don't have the minmax genes to be good at anything. (at this point I'm crying.) I'm just . . . tired. In years past I've proven to be an incapable mod, so I feel I can't do anything on that front to help the MS Survivor community. We've got a wonderful streak going and I'm just going to step in and do something like Summertime where I foist all responsibility upon someone else. That won't make me feel any better! So there's that, and then on the player side, I'm just not capable. I'm tired of being a confessional monkey. I guess it's interesting for some people, but right now it's just feeling like I typed a billion words across this site just for someone else to win. It's so, so petty too, to be like "I didn't win so I hate this" . . . but it's true. It's disheartening. It feels like everyone else is improving, nailing their opportunities, winning, and once again I'm stuck. I'm so glad Kingsmeet isn't going to be a SurvivorMeet, to be honest, because after all this it would just be a fool's errand for me to be in it, I think. Every game I play is just going to be either Path A: I play like Stoutland or Carly or Joanna and middle my way to a compromise boot, or Path B: I play like Butter Pecan or Tyrael, I overplay, and my mistakes catch up with me before the end. Even then, what if I did make it to the end? I don't know if I'd have the wherewithal to explain myself and my game reasonably well. All of this, all this failure, and I can't improve, I don't know how to, or I don't want to. I'll just hammer the same square peg into a round hole until I've chipped enough way and it's a rough misfit of a fit. I don't want that. I'm tossing the peg and the hammer away and walking away. It sucks to end this game lower than I started, but I guess that was the ultimatum I started out with. It started out so well, and then the whole thing molted its glossy exterior to show the still-shriveled incompletion that lay underneath. - - - I guess this means discount my Doodle entry, or like, undervalue it. I'll come back and read this all because I'm a glutton for punishment, but I don't know if I want to be there live. It just opens doors to houses I don't want to see. - - - I do still contend that this was a well-moderated game, though. I don't know what Soldier: 76 is on about with the abundance of Idols. - - - I can believe what an utter fool everyone thinks I am for posting a confessional post in the TC thread. The fact that nothing changed because of it is the most horrific. And I'm not even an All Star And Ysera thinks I'm a nutcase and she's probably Shadoweh which means Shadoweh has foiled me again And even though I thought I was the manipulative OTT villain, it still seems like no one really cares about me in the jury threads ;_; |
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| Baleog | Jan 12 2017, 10:38 PM Post #11 |
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Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant
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Aw Chev, no. You were absolutely beautiful. Honestly? This has been my favourite game of yours probably ever. You're a damn good player, really and you were incredibly good here. Your confessional has been amazing and one of my favourites to read. And I've loved watching you play. You're always completely and totally real in how you feel, and I appreciate that in a confessional and player. I'm sorry that this hurt so much though. |
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| Deckard Cain | Jan 12 2017, 11:55 PM Post #12 |
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Horadric Square
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Hey I like you too! |
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| Tyrael | Jan 14 2017, 11:19 PM Post #13 |
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OK I want to clear up something: I am actually really impressed with the Final Immunity Challenge itself. It's a wonderful little game, but you can't deny that it's pretty barebones. I really liked it though! One of the things I like is that it's very elegantly designed in that at 6 minutes you have more controls than hands so the difficulty ramps up incredibly quickly. So it's definitely NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CONTROL FOR OVER THIRTY MINUTES Would not be shocked if there was some keyboard re-mapping, tbh. Fair game, but still. |
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| Tyrael | Jan 15 2017, 02:25 PM Post #14 |
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It's just going to be a day for hiding under blankets and screaming. |
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| Tyrael | Jan 15 2017, 06:12 PM Post #15 |
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I've become quite the evil Calcabrina. |
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| Tyrael | Jan 16 2017, 12:18 PM Post #16 |
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So like twice in the last week I've watched the #2016 Live Reveal because it makes me feel so good. Like Carly doesn't feel like a good game, but it feels nice to see people say the enjoyed it. Which makes me sad because part of it was that "Chevre is a good sport" and I feel like I've sort of slanted away from that here, which is disappointing. But gosh dangit it was hard! I hope I wasn't too snipey bitter. :/ |
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| Tyrael | Jan 16 2017, 12:29 PM Post #17 |
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I hope there is another live reveal this time that I can actually attend. I mean I guess ChiMeet could've organized it but we were buuuuusy and also anonymous |
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| Tyrael | Jan 16 2017, 08:39 PM Post #18 |
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I have decided that I want to be ~le bittre jurre~ but also sort of insinuate so hard that I'm in Karass's pocket and see what they do. Like I could be appreciative of Azmodan truly taking a risk and just blowing me off for the way I've treated him. Or if Tracer truly outlined her game -- that's honestly what she needed to do, I see her as someone who was never really at the top and still played all sides wonderfully. I am pretty content with Karass at the moment. She pretty neatly detailed her plans (though it does get a bit muddy around the second Nexus, aren't we all) but I do want some more thought on her time at Synapse because things. were. cray. |
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| Tyrael | Jan 16 2017, 09:52 PM Post #19 |
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"oh no my body is telling me all sorts of things because it's p much confirmed that Azmodan is Drench 1) I'm really hard on him! But that's OK because I mean he is the ~iconic~ Roisin Murphy, and it's just desserts! Plus wouldn't he get a good ol' kick out of being roasted by Joanna/Carly? 2) I want to vote Azmodan! Because I like Drench! But that's exactly why anonymous games were created! So I can't vote drench because that's a compromise of fairness. But I could! and then I could incorporate some VFDness in there and it would be sneaky fun! He'd know immediately except for the fact that he would already know it was me by the time the vote was revealed. I just need to step back from who these people are and really envision what I value in a survivor game. And to be honest, I think it is still Karass, who seems to have the clearest vision of what game she played. While I think Azmodan may have played the best game, his narrative of risk just is not meshing with me well. Tracer could sway me still but it just seems she's not highlighting the points I would like her to highlight, necessarily?" Tyrael said, 2 hours into jury questioning |
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| Tyrael | Jan 17 2017, 12:08 AM Post #20 |
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I'm really kind of disappointed with how not-serious some of the other jurors are. Like, sure. I'm exaggerating how serious you need to be, but like, you can also ask insightful questions to help inform your decision instead of silly things. Me and Valla really are antitheses of one another, and it's amazing we did work together so long in this game. |
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