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Epilogue; Final 5 Onward - Nexus
Topic Started: Jan 11 2017, 11:40 PM (162 Views)
Tyrael
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I think I'm done playing these games. I'm tired of not winning or getting anywhere close, regardless of what I do. Either I go out pre-merge and feel totally awful, or make it into the merge and invite myself into a deluge of agony until I inevitably am a blase boot of some sort.

I've been on Mafiascum for ages, and playing Survivor games here just as long. I know I've taken breaks and been inactive so I haven't played the most games by any means, but I haven't won one, and that really, really bugs me. A trap that continuously befalls me is for me to be interested in something, and then all the people around me get into it and they soon become better than me at it. Like my best friend got into Pokemon; that's great, and we had a fascinating 45-minute conversation about Sun and Moon last time we met, but now they are better than me and it really irks me. Or maybe it's just the essence of something being there, all cool and sophisticated, and I just know I will never be able to master it as well as everyone else seemingly can. Like I really wanted to get into League of Legends because it's really cool storywise, but I'm just not good enough at it. So then, you get everyone on MS who is good having a conversation about it, and I pretty much have to step away because it makes me jealous and sad and on the verge of tears. That's how discussions about Survivor games are becoming; I hear everyone talk about their grandiose strategy and excellent play and I just tremble in a corner. I feel like I don't have the minmax genes to be good at anything.

(at this point I'm crying.)

I'm just . . . tired. In years past I've proven to be an incapable mod, so I feel I can't do anything on that front to help the MS Survivor community. We've got a wonderful streak going and I'm just going to step in and do something like Summertime where I foist all responsibility upon someone else. That won't make me feel any better! So there's that, and then on the player side, I'm just not capable. I'm tired of being a confessional monkey. I guess it's interesting for some people, but right now it's just feeling like I typed a billion words across this site just for someone else to win. It's so, so petty too, to be like "I didn't win so I hate this" . . . but it's true. It's disheartening. It feels like everyone else is improving, nailing their opportunities, winning, and once again I'm stuck.

I'm so glad Kingsmeet isn't going to be a SurvivorMeet, to be honest, because after all this it would just be a fool's errand for me to be in it, I think. Every game I play is just going to be either Path A: I play like Stoutland or Carly or Joanna and middle my way to a compromise boot, or Path B: I play like Butter Pecan or Tyrael, I overplay, and my mistakes catch up with me before the end. Even then, what if I did make it to the end? I don't know if I'd have the wherewithal to explain myself and my game reasonably well. All of this, all this failure, and I can't improve, I don't know how to, or I don't want to. I'll just hammer the same square peg into a round hole until I've chipped enough way and it's a rough misfit of a fit. I don't want that. I'm tossing the peg and the hammer away and walking away.

It sucks to end this game lower than I started, but I guess that was the ultimatum I started out with. It started out so well, and then the whole thing molted its glossy exterior to show the still-shriveled incompletion that lay underneath.

- - -

I guess this means discount my Doodle entry, or like, undervalue it. I'll come back and read this all because I'm a glutton for punishment, but I don't know if I want to be there live. It just opens doors to houses I don't want to see.

- - -

I do still contend that this was a well-moderated game, though. I don't know what Soldier: 76 is on about with the abundance of Idols.

- - -

I can believe what an utter fool everyone thinks I am for posting a confessional post in the TC thread. The fact that nothing changed because of it is the most horrific.

And I'm not even an All Star
And Ysera thinks I'm a nutcase and she's probably Shadoweh which means Shadoweh has foiled me again
And even though I thought I was the manipulative OTT villain, it still seems like no one really cares about me in the jury threads

;_;
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Tyrael
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I think I just really hate myself for how I played the game and everything I did after the Abathur boot. I kept digging and digging into this place of heartlessness and instead of coming up for air, I just dove further.

Now, I think, nobody likes me and nobody really values my thoughts. Everyone sees me as a bitter grump who was not an enjoyable force during this game. I hate it. I wish I could take it all back.

I just . . . when I play normally I play too UTR and don't get my feet wet and just go out blase. But when I do try to control things I stick my hands in everything and get way too nefarious and then I'm booted because I can't be trusted. It's just frustrating. Like, I have to learn how to be a better Survivor player. But I can't do that.

The tears are coming on again. This community is just something I want to be involved in, but at this point I feel like I have nothing new or neat to add to it. I feel stale, a broken record. Everyone is able to do these fresh, enticing new things and discuss games wisely and moderate things and be really good at challenges to the point of insanity and I'm just mediocre but not in the good way of mediocrity that's won games recently but just like . . . eh.

Also I hate that I can never stick to anything. I told myself that if I was going to come out guns blazing here I couldn't back down I usually do. And I did what I usually do. Anywhere -- in arguments, when I try bold things here -- once it gets insurmountable I just crumble and melt and crash. I'm an incredibly sore loser and a petty person and someone who does things just to do them because I can and as we all know, someone who sees the value of an experience in black and white. What an awful amalgam of qualities.
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Olaf
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Fat & Sassy
then change
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Tyrael
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If only it were as simple as saying two words. You know, bippity-boppity boo.

But I get it. This is mastina levels of self-solipsizing here in a Survivor confessional, and that must be tiring to read.

I don't know when I became such a mess, but it's definitely happened and I'd love to deal with it but I am not sure how.
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Olaf
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Fat & Sassy
i don't have the answers bc your journey is your journey but id recommend a therapist? not because you "need help" but bc there's a reason people are paid to listen to us whine then help us learn to fix the parts of us that are broken
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Tyrael
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A lot of people on MafiaScum have been telling me that recently.
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Erik
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I would strongly recommend a therapist, actually. It helped me out with a lot of the stuff that you seem to be struggling with right now (especially with the "only success matters and anything that isn't a win is a failure" mindset that drove me super close to the edge when I was in college and not actually succeeding by metrics that weren't my own).
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Tyrael
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my aesthetic af right now:

Quote:
 
Of the few main things I hate about her
One's her petty, vogue ideas
Someone's been told too many times they're beyond their years
By every halfwit of distinction she keeps around
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