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| intro to my story: the after effect | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 23 2010, 03:02 AM (608 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Nov 23 2010, 03:02 AM Post #1 |
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Deleted User
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this is basically a story to go along with the elemxicoan. it takes place in post-apocolyptic era texas: this is the intro THE AFTER EFFECT After the bloody years of WW1. A failsafe was created incase americas security was comprimised. two itemswere listed, one: nuclear detonation of major citys, killing millions but saving even more millions. Two: board of people to set up a goverment after item number one was initiated. After WW2 tensions rose in russia and iraq. causing them to take nuclear arms against each other. Only thing is they "accedently" shot them at america. and when those icbms launched, the failsafe was initiated and the world of america was plunged into nuclear fire and radiation. As planned the board was supposed to set up a goverment. But when they emerged from their bunkers they had only the horrers of the wastland of texas to greet them. Order and justice were completly gone from the earth. The american dream has failed, democracy has failed, liberty has failed. America was now overrun by scavengers, cold-blooded killers and sadists. And those dang abomination solids( people exposed to an ungodly amount of radiation). 3 groups now exist. common people, hostiles, and the renown libertarians, the nationals. They bealieved they were appointed protectors of all things right and just. Principles of justice. these self-appointed vigilantes carried quite the army. An average soldier carried two pistols(5 clips each), automatic weapon(20 clips), heavy weapon(tba of ammo). THis armenament was considered light. They bunkered themselves in a pre-war fort known as the alamo. the current area is what was texas. the major settlements are housten,barrel city( full of shacks), and atom. this apocolyptic tale of the struggle for humanity starts in atom. End of intro. Note: this has absolutly no relation to fallout series, all ideas are original |
 
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| Demonlemon | Nov 23 2010, 03:03 AM Post #2 |
MY CHILDREN COMETH
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Next post I have to move to its proper forum is going to earn its poster a one day ban |
| Happiness is like wetting yourself, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. | |
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| plasmi | Nov 23 2010, 03:57 AM Post #3 |
call me the necroposter
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This actually doesn't sound half bad so far |
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| Deleted User | Nov 23 2010, 04:08 AM Post #4 |
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Deleted User
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srry |
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| chupacabra | Nov 23 2010, 02:58 PM Post #5 |
I'm not paranoid, no matter what they're saying about me~
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the line "only things is they ''accedently'' shot them at amarica" is odd, if russia and iraq were going to start a war against each other why would they shot at amarica? also why would some retards plant nucs in citys thinking it was a good idea |
 ^hiimdaisy^ | |
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| John | Nov 23 2010, 10:16 PM Post #6 |
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JB
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Well I gotta say, this is pretty rough. I dont understand the premise of the story AT ALL. All i get is that it is during world war II or something. The spelling and puncation is horrid (I gotta be honest). Make sure you capitalize the first letter of sentence would be a great start. Make sure that when you start the sentence with the predicate, you put a comma when the subject is introduced, instead of adding a period. Example: After the war, there was lots of fighting. Make sure you add more description. All i imagined (for some strange reason) was all these platypuses fighting. You need to make sure you spell things right using the dictionary. Also, make sure you use a thesaurus for more advanced synonyms for your verbs and your common nouns. Other than that, it is ok. Keep working at it. I have faith Elemxicoan. |
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| Deleted User | Nov 24 2010, 12:03 AM Post #7 |
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Deleted User
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ok this is a brief explanition ill go into greater depth later in |
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| chupacabra | Nov 24 2010, 12:30 AM Post #8 |
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I'm not paranoid, no matter what they're saying about me~
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"Make sure you capitalize the first letter of sentence would be a great start" that's. a. tad. nit-picky. |
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^hiimdaisy^ | |
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| Masquerade | Nov 24 2010, 12:37 AM Post #9 |
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boy howdy
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No, that's just proper grammar. |
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| Doc | Nov 24 2010, 01:59 AM Post #10 |
jizz-cuzzi
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oh yeah, and it's just proper grammar, nor problem with that. plus i don't see why not you couldn't just BUMNP your last topic. EDIT: oh yeah, and there's something called quote. use it please :o Edited by Doc, Nov 24 2010, 02:00 AM.
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| John | Nov 24 2010, 06:10 PM Post #11 |
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JB
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Yes, it is just proper grammer. Learn it. |
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| chupacabra | Nov 24 2010, 07:42 PM Post #12 |
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I'm not paranoid, no matter what they're saying about me~
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Yes, but the "story"/plot is very weak and should be focused on first |
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^hiimdaisy^ | |
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| Doc | Nov 24 2010, 08:32 PM Post #13 |
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jizz-cuzzi
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GRAMMER WHAT GRAMMAR YOU'RE INFLUENCING YOUR SELF |
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| Deleted User | Nov 24 2010, 10:29 PM Post #14 |
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Deleted User
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um...... its supposed to have a very vague plot, its an intro all of the holes will later be filled in, in later chapters . and nothing in that intro had quotes |
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| John | Nov 25 2010, 06:09 AM Post #15 |
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JB
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Dude, that is not the point of a Prologue/Intro. An intro is to introduce what is going on, not to introduce all of these different aspects of the story to be filled in later. It confuses the reader greatly. You need to introduced 1-2 main aspects of the story, to get the reader fired up about the story. Keep working. I have faith. |
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