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| NEW STORY TOPIC; READ | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 18 2011, 07:13 PM (313 Views) | |
| Reakt | Jul 18 2011, 07:13 PM Post #1 |
JB
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Alright, it has been an eternity since I last updated the Vespara story mainly because I have been dry on ideas. Back in April when I was at the lake house with Avery, he gave me some great ideas, but they weren't good enough. I took some of the ideas we formed together and made them more complex, giving the story more substance, flavor, and twists and turns. I would really appreciate it if you all would please take the time to read some of the literature I have written. If you will read the story, PLEASE READ the vast, updated Kinetican info! It has great stuff about the characters! KINETICAN INFO VESPARA STORY |
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| -djmk- | Jul 18 2011, 08:33 PM Post #2 |
c:
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ok i read a third of the way through your story and im sorry but i cant progress any further there are so many changes in pace its hard to keep track of whats going on. the background you provided was extensive but totally unmemorable and the way you write is downright sloppy. you provided very little emotional attachment for us to see or care why vespara flipped his shit when bex didn't want to go to the great big forest of eeeeeviiiil with him, and for that matter you provided no evidence that anybody even cared about the disappearances other than a few newspaper clippings on vespara's walls. for that matter, you provided no evidence that the people on dynad even had the tremendous skills of brain and brawn that you mentioned except for vespara jogging a couple miles without getting tired. and why would they have these skills to begin with? what, in their isolation, did the people on dynad do to get so smart and strong? and thats not to mention your various grammatical errors, including the total misuse of commas at some points. a bonfire is a single object (and also a single word), the "bon" is not a way to describe a fire, so there is no reason to say "huge, bon fire." this goes for the rest of the times you farksnarkleed that up too. often times your sentences make no sense, probably due to a misuse or overuse of words or phrases. "During this turmoil, there was a center to the problems" could easily be "There was a center to this turmoil" or something similar. theres a shitton more stuff i could go over but i really dont feel like it dont be too discouraged, at least i could make out the plot. |
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| Reakt | Jul 18 2011, 10:02 PM Post #3 |
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JB
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I see what you are saying. Can you give me some examples of how I can get the reader to understand the emotion and help get them attached to the character? Thanks for the advice. I will work on correcting these. Update coming in a while. |
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| PlasmiNotDatt | Jul 19 2011, 06:22 AM Post #4 |
sexy bandana removal
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And you read NONE OF MINE?! While it has a few large words which mess up the style it also has a detailed and complex and amazing storyline and you read HIS but not MINE? I WOULD POST A REACTION IMAGE BUT I CANNOT UPLOAD IMAGES RIGHT NOW URGH But anyway johnny boy, mk is very correct. You should probably reread your own story, scanning for errors, and correct as you go along. One part says "somethinnsomethin and taking them capture." when me and johnmark read this we died laughing, i also took a picture of it. So yeah bro. Good luck |
   How was the manga? Was it interesting? | |
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| Tyler | Jul 19 2011, 01:47 PM Post #5 |
Saikyou-ryu!
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I haven't read either of your guys' things yet so yeah |
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| -djmk- | Jul 19 2011, 07:06 PM Post #6 |
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c:
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you have like eighty bagillion pages, of which i read maybe four it takes a while (and persistence) to get through a WIP novella |
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| Reakt | Jul 19 2011, 07:27 PM Post #7 |
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JB
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Thanks for all the stuff guys. Avery you shouldn't brag about how good your storyline is. It is very boastful, cocky, and downright low. |
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| -djmk- | Jul 19 2011, 07:31 PM Post #8 |
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c:
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kinda funny hearing that from you but lets stay off of that topic, I sense flaming coming on and I'd like to avoid that. |
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| PlasmiNotDatt | Jul 19 2011, 08:51 PM Post #9 |
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sexy bandana removal
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FLAMED SO BADLY but johnny bragging isnt that bad as long as you dont down others, along with that a was hardly bragging just stating a small fact BUT ANYWAY, mk if i made a small SUMMARY of my entire storyline would you read it? this would actually be a good idea for you to do too, john. |
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How was the manga? Was it interesting? | |
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| -djmk- | Jul 19 2011, 09:02 PM Post #10 |
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c:
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probably |
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| Reakt | Jul 20 2011, 12:15 AM Post #11 |
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JB
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If you every want ace to read Jack's Finale I recommend you read it 
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| chupacabra | Jul 20 2011, 04:18 PM Post #12 |
I'm not paranoid, no matter what they say about me ---^
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What genre are you going for with this story? |
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What are you doing?    Brolicious'es. | |
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| Reakt | Jul 20 2011, 04:18 PM Post #13 |
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JB
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Science Fiction. |
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| chupacabra | Jul 20 2011, 05:22 PM Post #14 |
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I'm not paranoid, no matter what they say about me ---^
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uh yeah no shit I mean't like Action and Adventure, Commercial Fiction, Horror, Erotica, Dark Fantasy, Humour, etc. list of genres
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What are you doing? Brolicious'es. | |
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| Reakt | Jul 20 2011, 05:39 PM Post #15 |
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JB
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Adventure. |
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