Renegade

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Renegade
Topic Started: Jul 15 2009, 06:44 PM (235 Views)
Lord Veneficus	Jul 15 2009, 06:44 PM Post #1
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Posts: 1,282 Group: Member Member #293 Joined: March 24, 2008	Renegade Chapter One A booted foot met the battered torso of a prisoner and audibly cracked several ribs. The man on the floor coughed up blood and spit broken teeth. "Get up, murderer!" The gruff voice of a Legionnaire yelled as he grabbed the scruff of the prisoner's neck and threw him into a chair. The Legionnaire brought a strong right hook into the jaw of the Dunmer prisoner, adding one more bleeding cut upon his face. "Please! Stop this," the prisoner panted. "This is..." Another fist into the gut. The elf grunted in agony as he slowly tilted off the chair and onto the floor. "Enough, Henrik! Don't kill him. We'll leave that to the executioner," Captain Marcus said. Henrik lowered his fists, turned, and saluted his superior. Marcus entered the damp cell, blood spattered on the wall and floor. "Your methods are brutal, boy. But you are an excellent soldier." "Thank you, sir," Henrik stated, his expression blank. He grabbed his helm and placed it over his long sandy-blond hair. Glancing back at the unconscious body of the Dunmer, Henrik laughed coldly and stepped from the sunlit cell. Weak little elf. He closed the door and gave it a heavy tug to make sure it was locked. In the hall, Captain Marcus turned once again to Henrik, "We are going to the Feed Bag during our off duty tonight. You are more than welcome to come." The old Legionnaire smiled, his unshaven beard outlining the shape of his mouth. With a nod, Henrik saluted him once more and left the building. Henrik had taken a seat at one of the many desks in the center of the barracks. Several years ago, he became quite interested in sketching. He never thought he was particularly good compared to other artists and kept most of his drawings to himself. But he was rather talented, contrary to his beliefs. Henrik began to flip through the almost full book; his first sketch was of a lion in the distance, preparing to pounce upon an antelope in a savanna. As he neared the end of the book, most of his sketches had improved incredibly and he had finally gotten around to sketching people; one of the hardest things he thought he could accomplish. "That's good stuff," The voice startled Henrik, who turned to face the man. It was Gerard, one of Henrik's close friends in the Legion. He took the book from the desk and flipped through its pages as well. "When did you get into this?" "Thanks. It was a few years ago, before I transferred here." "Really? I had no idea. But the quality of these sketches is wonderful." Gerard then set the book on the desk and pointed at the sketch of White Gold Tower, saying, "This is excellent as well. You should consider inking these." "I've thought about it, but I never really considered them that good." "Nonsense," Gerard said. "Oh, hate to change the subject, but have you heard anything about a commander from up north?" Gerard asked, knitting his brow. Henrik thought for a moment and replied, "I haven't heard anything recently. Who is he?" "Commander Validus, I believe. A real hard-ass they say. Melik told me he's replacing ol' Phillida; damn shame isn't it? But I suppose that it was going to happen eventually, seeing as he's not getting any younger." He chuckled, as did Henrik. "Well, Henrik, I've got to cut this short. Waterfront duty's a nightmare." With that, Gerard had left just as quickly as he had arrived. ******* The sun had just begun to set as Henrik arrived at the Feed Bag, a lively place full of laughter, music, and booze; all were components of a rather fun night for the Nord. The smell of tobacco wafted into Henrik's nostrils and gave him a sense of warmth and happiness, reminding him of his late father. But the thought of his father brought back the terrible memories of the grieving period in his life. Push the thoughts from your head, Henrik. Father wouldn't want you to remember him like that. Think of the good times. He told himself as he took a seat next to Captain Marcus. "Something on your mind, boy?" He asked, patting Henrik on the back. "No, nothing at all," He replied solemnly. The barkeep strode up to the table, glass in hand and clean towel in another. "What'll you have ta drink?" The barkeep asked with a smile. "Ale is fine, thanks." "Ale it is then." The barkeep left the table, whistling tunelessly. Henrik turned back to the table, some of the soldiers already drunk despite having been there only a couple of hours. He had only been to one tavern since his arrival in Cyrodiil, and it was one in the wilderness west of Cheydinhal. The one he was in at that moment was a lot different than the one he had been to previously; Henrik didn't favor crowded places, seeing as he was slightly claustrophobic. In the middle of his thinking, Captain Marcus turned to Henrik, smiled, and said, "Now, for the four years you've been here, we still don't know a whole lot about you. I prefer to know about the soldiers I serve with; provides a strong base for teamwork, you know. At least give us a taste of your past." Henrik was hesitant, "I'd prefer not." "Don't give me that. We want to know and won't think of you any differently than before. We're all people here, Henrik, we've made some choices in our lives, some we aren't so proud of, right boys?" To which the Legionnaires nodded, raising their glasses. Still wavering, Henrik replied, "I'm sorry but I'll have to respectfully decline. My past is nothing of concern." Edited by Lord Veneficus, Aug 11 2009, 04:54 PM.
	"I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath"


vanir90210	Jul 15 2009, 08:16 PM Post #2
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,791 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	Well, I didn't see any grammar errors, so good job on that. It looks promising. I'm assuming that Henrik is a Nord?
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


Lord Veneficus	Jul 15 2009, 09:26 PM Post #3
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Posts: 1,282 Group: Member Member #293 Joined: March 24, 2008	Yessir.
	"I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath"


Gilboron	Jul 16 2009, 03:18 AM Post #4
... Huh. Posts: 1,643 Group: Member Member #351 Joined: April 24, 2008	I like it. The shortness is actually a plus for me, as it's easier to read many short amounts of text spread over a period of time than say one really really large amount of text in one day.
	E Dae'val. WARNING: The above post may contain awesomeness. Gilboron� cannot be held responsible if your head explodes. If you have any questions about my world, feel free to send me a PM.


redsrock	Jul 21 2009, 08:11 PM Post #5
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	It's a bit too jumbled, V. Everything jumps around with no real substance. In the first scene Henrik is torturing someone (who we have no idea, other than that the person is a male dunmer, but that is awfully vague). From the scene it appears that the Captain and Henrik have known each other for a good while. Then we get to the next scene and it turns out that Henrik is new, for they all ask where he comes from. Then one drunken soldier gets rude with Henrik, and in turn Henrik threatens to kill him. Now, that makes no sense. One, he's a soldier of the Empire (and, according to the Cap'n, a good one). If he's a good soldier he wouldn't threaten to kill his own comrade. That's just stupid. Also, the man is drunk, and it is apparent that he is drunk. Another reason why Henrik shouldn't have acted the way he did. I don't know, V, this definitely isn't your best work. Coupled with the WAY TOO SHORT length, I'm not very interested at this point. the suddenness of it all hasn't captured me a bit. I wish you luck in your next chapter. And don't use the "it's just my style" excuse regarding the length. Because let's face it, V, that's a load of BS and a horrible excuse. Btw, please post this at TST as well. I'm sure W would love to read it. Remember, though, there are new rules at TST. You must leave a response to at least one story before posting something of your own. Please do, V. We miss you at TST.... Edited by redsrock, Jul 21 2009, 08:12 PM.



Lord Veneficus	Jul 21 2009, 08:13 PM Post #6
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Posts: 1,282 Group: Member Member #293 Joined: March 24, 2008	I would but I don't have a link there. Sorry. It's just that I've been out of the game for a while.
	"I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath"


redsrock	Jul 21 2009, 08:14 PM Post #7
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	http://tesfiction.proboards.com/index.cgi?



The Bean	Jul 24 2009, 12:52 PM Post #8
Forum Kommisar Posts: 1,000 Group: Member Member #503 Joined: February 10, 2009	Lord Veneficus Jul 15 2009, 06:44 PM Chapter Being Revamped I'll admit I was a little disappointed this. I'll give it a look over later, don't worry.



Lord Veneficus	Jul 24 2009, 12:58 PM Post #9
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Posts: 1,282 Group: Member Member #293 Joined: March 24, 2008	Sorry. Reds opened my eyes. I'm going to have it up soon though.
	"I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath"


redsrock	Jul 24 2009, 01:06 PM Post #10
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	Hmm.... I didn't ask you to redo the chapter, but perhaps this is good in the long run. Better to start over now then later in the story (DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!). coughanddontforgettopostatTSTcough



Lord Veneficus	Jul 24 2009, 01:11 PM Post #11
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Posts: 1,282 Group: Member Member #293 Joined: March 24, 2008	Okay, I won't. It'll be up soon. I know you didn't ask me to redo the chapter, but I felt that it would be better if I did. So thanks for telling me about how lame that chapter looked. Even though you didn't actually come out and say it.
	"I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath"


redsrock	Jul 24 2009, 01:15 PM Post #12
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	It's good that you don't get all whiny when I try to tell the truth. Some people only want to hear "OMG UR AMAZAZING!"



vanir90210	Jul 24 2009, 01:41 PM Post #13
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,791 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	Si. The writing was unmemorable, but I'm sure you will be fixing it. I hate people that only want good stuff.
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


redsrock	Jul 24 2009, 01:44 PM Post #14
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	I despise it as well. People that only want fluff will never become true writers. Not to say that I am a true writer... because I'm not. Until I can pull off a chain of finished stories, I am simply someone who likes to write. Nothing more, nothing less. Edited by redsrock, Jul 24 2009, 01:44 PM.



vanir90210	Jul 24 2009, 01:44 PM Post #15
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,791 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	I highly doubt anyone we've met online is a true writer.
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


redsrock	Jul 24 2009, 01:45 PM Post #16
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	See edit



vanir90210	Jul 24 2009, 01:48 PM Post #17
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,791 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	I do see, yet I wonder why you instruct us to look there...
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


redsrock	Jul 24 2009, 01:50 PM Post #18
Jefe el Heffalump Posts: 15,127 Group: Admin Member #54 Joined: December 8, 2007	When I say true writer I don't mean professionals who get paid. I mean people who write constantly and don't give up on their stories so easily. I was poking at myself.



vanir90210	Jul 24 2009, 01:52 PM Post #19
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,791 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	Ah, I see.
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


Illydoor	Aug 5 2009, 03:49 PM Post #20
Slaughterfish Posts: 168 Group: Member Member #527 Joined: May 5, 2009	Its hard to write constantly and procure actual quality writing though. I don't how people like Dan Abnett do it. I read his books for ages trying to figure it out.



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