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Renegade
Topic Started: Jul 15 2009, 06:44 PM (238 Views)
Lord Veneficus Aug 10 2009, 07:23 PM Post #21
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Trust me, I'm a doctor.
[ * * * * * * ]
 Chapter One has been successfully posted. Let me know what you think.
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"I've felt these shifting hours
Mistakenly used up
So I gasp and hold my breath"
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redsrock Aug 12 2009, 09:03 AM Post #22
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Jefe el Heffalump
[ * * * * * * * * * ]
Quote:
 
He never thought he was particularly good compared to other artists and kept most of his drawings to himself. But he was rather talented, contrary to his beliefs.

The bolded part is repetitive. We already knew this because you explained it in the previous sentence. I'd reword that small section anyway so it's not so wordy. Both sentences could probably be combined into one, though with less words.

Quote:
 
"Now, for the four years you've been here, we still don't know a whole lot about you. I prefer to know about the soldiers I serve with; provides a strong base for teamwork, you know. At least give us a taste of your past."

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I realize you're trying to fix it to where Henrik isn't such a newcomer. Still, I find it very hard to believe that after four years they still don't know a whole lot of about him.

Quote:
 
hard-ass they say

This doesn't strike me as something I'd hear coming from the mouth of someone in the TES universe.

Decent chapter. Kind of boring really, but at least I want to know what happened with Henrik's past.
Edited by redsrock, Aug 12 2009, 09:04 AM.
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Mad Commissar Oct 29 2009, 06:14 PM Post #23
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Slaughterfish
[ * * * ]
 I am dissapointed.... You have only done one chapter of this so far amazing story, hope next chapter will be up soon.

And unlike Reds, I don't think it's boring.
Once you go black, you never get the chance to go back because you get HIV
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