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| The Eyes | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 11 2009, 12:30 AM (217 Views) | |
| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 07:46 PM Post #21 |
Level 21 Wizard
  ![]](http://209.85.117.197/static/1/pip_r.png)
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The way it is right now, either you add an article between 'throwing' and 'football', or you capitalize 'football' because 'throwing football' implies that 'football' is a proper noun. Since the latter is obviously incorrect, the proper grammar would be to add 'a' in there or maybe 'the' if you felt like it. ...Sorry for going Grammar Nazi on you, but you had it coming by arguing with me. 
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| redsrock | Oct 29 2009, 07:49 PM Post #22 |
Jefe el Heffalump
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lol, but it's okay how I have it. Seriously, it just is. Grammatically it works how you have it, but it's okay how I have it because it's just the way we talk. It's like... unspoken alternate, or something. *shrug*
Edited by redsrock, Oct 29 2009, 07:49 PM.
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 07:52 PM Post #23 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Oh, so it's like slang? Well, that's ok then...but only in dialog. Narration must still be proper English. 
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| redsrock | Oct 29 2009, 07:55 PM Post #24 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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It's not even slang, really. It's just how a lot people use it. EDIT: And now I feel bad for arguing. It's very rude for an author to do that. 
Edited by redsrock, Oct 29 2009, 07:55 PM.
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 07:56 PM Post #25 |
Budding Lyricist
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Colloquialisms! Auugh! |
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Spoiler: click to toggle  "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 07:58 PM Post #26 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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lol I don't care...well, that's not true. I do care because It's been fun. :p |
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:21 AM Post #27 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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I'm not sure how well this turned out. I tried to make the chapter have a rushed feeling, full of panic. I'm not so sure it worked, though. Also, this is the final chapter. * * * 3 “Yeah, [censored]! Take it off!” Marc yells as he and Andrea laugh their heads off. Jamie stands before them without pants or a shirt. The only thing on his body is a pair of flannel boxers. It’s quite apparent that Jamie isn’t very good at charades. Also laughing is Natalia, and in her hands is a cup of Miller Lite. “Yeah! Take it off, Jamie!” she yells. She isn’t drunk by any means, but she certainly does feel different. All that talk about Andrea being a hypocrite makes no sense now, but Natalia doesn’t care. She’s finally letting loose and having some fun. And she feels great. Better than she has in a long, long time. “Guys, let’s just quit, alright?” Jamie says. “This is [censored]in stupid anyway!” “No! No!” Marc screams. “Finish the game, you big pussy!” The three of them laugh like wild hyenas while Jamie starts to take off his boxers. Then, from behind them, a raspy voice calls out. “What are you doing in my house?” Jamie, startled, falls to the ground as he rushes to put on his clothes. Andrea puts her shirt back on. Marc and Natalia are the only ones already fully clothed. “Sorry, man,” Jamie begins. His voice is rushed and fearful. “We were just messing around. That’s all. Nothing more. And we’ll pick up the mess.” “What are you doing in my house?” the man repeats. Natalia squints and tries to make out what he looks like. He appears to be wearing a grayish jacket and old worn out blue jeans. His hair is a mangled mess, and he has a beard that looks as if it hasn’t been trimmed in months. “What?” Jamie asks. “What are you doing in my house?” the man screams, this time so loud that the foursome jump from being startled. “What the [censored]’s your problem, dude?” Marc says. “This is a [censored]ing park. It ain’t your home.” The man doesn’t reply, but rather he stands there with his head cocked to the side, breathing hard. Marc starts to walk over to the man but Jamie grabs him. “Dude, what the [censored] are you doing? Don’t go over there!” “Chillax, he looks like a homeless dude. He’s probably just drunk or something.” “No, dumbass!” Andrea says. “Stay here!” At this point Natalia hasn’t said a word. There’s something about the man’s eyes. Something she doesn’t like. They don’t look insane, nor do they look drunk. They look… cool. Calm and collected, as if this man knows exactly what he’s doing. “I don’t know, Marc,” she says. “You guys worry too much. I’m gonna make sure he’s alright. Maybe he just needs some food.” He walks over to the man and waves his hands in front of his face. “Hello? You alright? You want food? We got some chips and-” Before anyone knows what’s happening, Marc is on the ground, unmoving. The man stands over him, looking down with a wide grin. In his right hand is a bloody butcher’s knife. “No!” Andrea screams. The tears are immediate. “You mother[censored]er! No! Marcus!” Natalia looks around to find Jamie and Andrea running away, back towards where their camp is. She looks back at the man and sees him smile. Scared to death, she gets up and follows her friends, leaving the now-deceased Marc behind. “Wait, you guys! Wait for me!” They don’t listen to her. They continue to run and she continues to follow. Behind her she doesn’t see the man following, but she knows he is. She can feel it. She whips out her cell phone and dials Ranger Bob’s number. “Hello?” she hears from the other line. “Mr. Metcalfe?” “Yes? Natalia, is that you?” “We’re being chased!” “What? What are you talking about?” “We’re being chased by a man with a knife! He killed Mark! He killed him!” Silence on the other end for a couple of seconds. “Listen to me, Natalia. Where are you now?” “We just left the lake! We’re running back to camp!” “Good. Get inside your RV, lock it, and wait for me. I’m leaving now. Do you understand?” “Yes! Yes!” “Do not do anything stupid! Wait inside!” The other side goes dead and Natalia shoves her phone back into her back pocket. In a matter of minutes she’s back at the camp. Jamie runs inside the large RV and locks the door. Andrea is screaming for him to let her in as Natalia walks towards her. “Jamie let me the [censored] in, you mother[censored]ing prick!” Andrea screams. Natalia is about to yell along with her when suddenly the man with the knife jumps out from behind the RV. Andrea doesn’t seem him creeping along the side, but before Natalia has a chance to warn her, the man shoves his knife into Andrea’s back. She screams, struggles for a few seconds, and then falls to the ground. “Andrea, no!” Natalia shrieks. She starts to cry and she backs away from the RV. The man with the knife comes at her and tries to tackle her, but she dodges it and he falls down. Realizing she has a key with an automatic lock for the RV, she unlocks it and comes inside. She closes the door and looks around for Jamie. He’s in the driver’s seat, shaking and crying and screaming. “Oh my god, Natalia!” he screams. “What the [censored] is going on? What are you doing?” The back emergency door bursts open, and in comes the man with the knife. He’s now carrying an axe. It’s the same axe Jamie and Marc had used to chop firewood the day before. He runs at Jamie with his arms raised, and Natalia watches. It feels like a nightmare to her. He chops down on Jamie’s right leg. “Holy [censored]!” he screams. “Oh [censored]! Natalia! [censored]!” “Jamie!” she yells out, but she doesn’t move. Her body doesn’t let her. As Jamie is holding onto his right knee, the man takes the axe and swings sideways, clearly beheading Jamie. His head smacks against the window beside him and then falls to the floor. “Jamie! No! No, Jamie!” The tears are running faster and faster, and she has no idea what to do. She’s the only one left now. The man looks at Natalia and grins. She can see him clearly now. He wears a mask of black so that she can’t see his face. He starts to walk toward her so she bolts outside. She runs out of the RV and looks for the man with the knife, but he’s nowhere to be found. Lights are shining behind her and she sees an SUV pulling up from the side road. A man gets out. It’s Ranger Bob. “Mr. Metcalfe! Come here! The killer’s right here! He’s inside the RV!” Ranger Bob gets out of his and grabs his pistol. He’s no more than ten yards away. “Put the axe down, Natalia! Put it down!” “What? What are you talking about?” She starts to walk towards him but he points the gun at her head and yells for her to stop. “I said put [censored]ing the axe down, Natalia! I’ll shoot! Put it down!” “What are you…” At that moment she feels something in her hands. She looks down at her right hand to see an axe, blood covering its metal blade. And in her left hand a head. The severed head of Jamie. “Oh my god!” She drops the head and the axe, backing away slowly. She begins to feel dizzy so she falls on her back in the grass. I killed him? I… killed all of them? How… How can this be?” And as Ranger Bob creeps closer and closer, Natalia starts crying harder and harder. “This can’t be! This can’t be! This can’t be!” But it is, and that is something she cannot figure out. Something she will likely never figure out, but the doors of the asylum are calling her name even now. She can hear them. She’s killed three people without even realizing it. Am I insane? And it is that asylum that shall be her new home. “I’m so sorry.” |
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 12:31 AM Post #28 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Nice twist ending Reds. At first I was rather disappointed and was going to tell you to do better next time, but then BAM! It's very reminiscent of Stephen King. I never saw it coming. However, I think you made it too rushed, in my opinion. You should have spent a bit more time on descriptions. In the end, though, I thought it was great. It's no magnum opus that'll keep me scared [censored]less, but it's much better than most people could do. Good job. 
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:34 AM Post #29 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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Wow... I wasn't expecting that. Thanks for reading and offering advice, Ninja.
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 12:37 AM Post #30 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Hey, you deserve tons of praise, Reds. Not many people can branch out into new genres so successfully. |
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:38 AM Post #31 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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I'm not sure about the success part, but I'm glad I tried. Thankfully it's over, though. Now it's back to fantasy. |
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 12:43 AM Post #32 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Aww, you're not going to take another gander in horror? But horror is my second favorite genre...
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| vanir90210 | Nov 2 2009, 12:46 AM Post #33 |
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Budding Lyricist
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What. The. [censored]. That was awesome, dude, bt very confusing. It seems odd that she.. aw, screw it, I don't even know what I;m trying to say. Great job. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:47 AM Post #34 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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Thank you, Vanir.
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 12:51 AM Post #35 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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No, no, don't you see it? She's insane, and not just any insane. She's schizophrenic! She's deluded herself into thinking that everything is all right while, at the same time, building up a deep seated hatred of her friends. Then, just when she couldn't take it anymore, she snapped. However, she was still delusional. She didn't know what was actually happening until the very end. Even then, there's still a sense of denial. She'll never be the same. It's just so juicy!
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:52 AM Post #36 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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And to answer your question, Ninja, no I probably won't come back to horror. I honestly don't think I capture the creepiness one needs to write it.
Edited by redsrock, Nov 2 2009, 12:52 AM.
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 12:57 AM Post #37 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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 Well, could you at least try my favorite genre, then? Romance? (Yeah, I like romance. Sue me.)
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| redsrock | Nov 2 2009, 12:58 AM Post #38 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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Haha... well, if it means anything.... I want to mix in a little bit of everything with my fantasy project. |
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| vanir90210 | Nov 2 2009, 01:05 AM Post #39 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Nah, s'nothin' wrong with romance. I like me a good tale of love as well. Preferably without vampires, as that's been done before several times. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| ninja_lord666 | Nov 2 2009, 01:08 AM Post #40 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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*shiver* Twilight *vomit* |
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6:46 PM Nov 25
