A Work of Love

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A Work of Love; An Attempt at Condensed Love
Topic Started: Oct 21 2009, 10:40 PM (49 Views)
Marcion	Oct 21 2009, 10:40 PM Post #1
Mudlobster Posts: 15 Group: Member Member #557 Joined: October 21, 2009	I offer up another virginal sacrifice to the gods of this site. It is a failed attempt at crafting a love story in as short a space as possible. Forgive me, but rust takes some work to remove you know. Her face, an opalescent oval, stares out across the sea, her blue eyes watching the clouds slither across the horizon. Turning to me, she says, “I wonder what’s out there.” “So do I.” She offers a small smile, then whips her head back to the sea. Violet hair reaches out toward me, falling a few hands short. I sigh. She is so beautiful sitting there, the expression of longing a mirror of my heart. What is out there? What? “Probably something… scary,” she drawls. “Something horrible, awful, frightening.” “You think so?” “Yes, it’d have to be, wouldn’t it? The sea is so… vast, and wide. What could be out there, in that endless blue?” “I know,” I say, regretting the words as soon as the sounds had formed on my tongue. I know? What? Old maid’s tales. Old tales. Tales. No truths. What story from these can I string? “You know? You know what’s out there?” I look into her eyes, the lie already taking flight. My heart beats a hollow beat. “Yes.” How could I? She leans closer, big eyes growing wide. Oh, so enchanting. So enthralling. “Tell me,” she whispers. It is more a command. She commands me. So I speak. “A people who live under the sea.” “They live under the sea?” she squeaks. I chuckle, and she laughs. An absurd claim, true. Can she believe it? Can I? “Yes, under the bluest of waves, on the sea floor. I know a fisherman who saw one. Who saw one of these… fish-men. They call themselves Yinks, or so he claimed. A pretty dubious fisherman by all appearances.” She turns away from the sea, scrunches her legs up against her chest, rests her elbows on her knees, and face in her hands. “Tell me about these fish-people.” “But I, uh, I don’t know much.” Will she pester? I have no tale to string. Curse the old maid’s for their poor tale-telling talent. “Well, what did the fisherman say?” she whines. “Well, first, he said they look like us, save for blue skin and blue-green hair. At least, this one did anyway. He was a muscular sort. And sleek. Very sleek.” “What was his name?” “Whose? The fisherman’s?” “The fish-man’s.” I scratch my nose. A name? What would a fish-man call himself? “Raza Kel. He called himself Raza Kel. He was a warrior… of sorts. He had been in fighting, and the fisherman said he appeared close to the brown jaws of death. The black tongue, at least, was slipping over his soul, testing, wondering.” “Did he die?” “I don’t know. The fisherman never said.” How can I make this interesting? Look at her! Her eyes droop, the spark of interest dies, smothered by… lies. She expects a story, and a good one. Cursed tongue, lips, heart. “But, this fish-man, Raza Kel, told the fisherman about his people, about why he bled out into the sea.” I pause. Why? “They were at war.” “War? With whom?” “Themselves. It was, you see, a civil war.” “A civil war? What’s a, uh, a civil war?” “It’s when a tribe fights within itself. That’s what my father has said, anyway. So these Yinks were in a civil war.” “Why? Did the chief not get his way?” “It was like that maybe.” Chief? If they lived under the sea, wouldn’t there be lots? Maybe it was several tribes? But… and what would they fight over? “The fisherman never told me what they were fighting over. He must not have asked.” She frowns. “That’s not very fun,” she sniffs. “Oh well. At least now I know what’s across the sea, huh?” I shake my head. “No, no, I remember!” I do? “Their ruler, he ruled over many tribes. He subjugated them, you see. Conquered them and assimilated them into his undersea chiefdom.” Ah, she perks up to that. Good. I smile. I grin. Laughter threatens to overtake me. How she looks! “The Yink hated their ruler, and so many conspired to remove him. It so happens that, as they planned their rebellion, a god plummeted into the sea.” A god? “A god?” she exclaims, and laughs. “I think you pull my leg.” Even I wouldn’t fall for a falling god. Why did I say that? It is crazy, outlandish. But gods are in statues, in the rocks. On the Wall. They don’t… appear elsewhere. Why would I say this? “B-but I’m not. This Yink really claims a god fell. Or so the fisherman said. But maybe Raza Kel was mistaken. After all, a god can’t manifest here, in this world.” I try and laugh it off. She smiled, nods, uncomfortable. Am I losing her? No. I can’t. “But, this supposed god fell into the sea, and the fish-people called it a god, or some did. They thought it could displace their chief. But the chief gathered the Yinks loyal to him – Raza Kel was amongst these – and attacked the god and his followers, trying to get rid of him.” “Did they win?” Her voice rolls out so flat. “Raza Kel told the fisherman that he did not know, that the fighting continued and would never cease.” And she is lost. She must be. Her eyes, downcast. Her sweet mouth and tiny nose – both droop just a little. Her sign for sadness. “Is that really true?” I nod. I must keep up my lie, must let it drag me to my end. “Yes.” She leans forward, eyes widening, pressing, “Really?” I lean forward just a little. “Really.” She leans forward just a little more. “Really?” A thumb’s width separates us. My mouth opens just a little. She mimics me. My eyelids begin to close. “Of course! You were with Crupa!” And reality. The world spins back into order. We both look up to see her betrothed. She jumps up to meet him; I sink. “Crupa was just telling me about a people who live under the sea!” she says, and embraces him. “Oh?” He looks at me from the corner of his eyes. “He was, Ythre? You shall have to tell me, sometime. Now, come, let us go. The chief wishes to bless us for the coming week.” She nods , looks to me, smiles, and turns to walk away. He looks to me and offers a simple smile and nod. Curt. Cold. Then he follows. I rise, then drop down and look back at the sea. Could I, I would take her, marry her to me for eternity. Her soft smile, her easy eyes. She would be happy. But why do I hesitate, why pause? Why lie? Why, but I must know. Should, I would break her heart. Never again would she love a man, if he died. Never again would she entertain a doddering fool like me.



vanir90210	Oct 22 2009, 12:51 AM Post #2
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,792 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	Aww. How sad. You really capture the thought process of the average man trying to impress a woman with a story. And then the end. He seems to be kicking himself out of frustration. Very nice.
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


Marcion	Oct 22 2009, 12:58 AM Post #3
Mudlobster Posts: 15 Group: Member Member #557 Joined: October 21, 2009	Thank you for the compliment and the read, Mr Vanir.



ninja_lord666	Oct 22 2009, 07:42 PM Post #4
Level 21 Wizard Posts: 1,143 Group: Member Member #235 Joined: February 5, 2008	It was pretty good. Unfortunately, I could not find myself getting as attached to the characters as I could have. If you had maybe done a bit more with character development, it would have been much better. However, for something as short as this, it was good. It was very entertaining and I felt compelled to read on. I like the ending. It's not very realistic if they "live happily ever after." Be that as it may, it didn't have quite the emotional impact, but that's only because of the lack of character development. All in all, I liked it. 4/5 stars



Marcion	Oct 22 2009, 08:12 PM Post #5
Mudlobster Posts: 15 Group: Member Member #557 Joined: October 21, 2009	I look back and agree with you, however I'm not sure how I could've eked out more from the rough word limit I set myself. Do you have any suggestions for how I could have better developed the characters in roughly a thousand words? And thanks for reading.



ninja_lord666	Oct 22 2009, 08:25 PM Post #6
Level 21 Wizard Posts: 1,143 Group: Member Member #235 Joined: February 5, 2008	I'm much better on the critic side of writing. I have no idea how to properly develop characters; I just know if it's successful based on my emotional reactions. I agree, though, that there's not much you could have done in the word limit, but that's alright. I still liked it.



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