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| Lamps Ablaze; A story of slavery, freedom, and loss. | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 28 2009, 11:40 PM (204 Views) | |
| vanir90210 | Oct 28 2009, 11:40 PM Post #1 |
Budding Lyricist
  ![]](http://209.85.117.197/static/1/pip_r.png)
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Chapter I The smell of sand baking in the sun… The sight of large black birds diving towards the ground, intent on feeding… the feel of the dry wind rushing through his fur… Such things only exist to him in dreams any longer, and so it was. Only in sleep could he escape the torment of the whip, fist, and never ending saltrice harvests. *** It was not to last. N’virr was brought out of his slumber by the persistent clanging of a pot and spoon. “Get up, you filthy dogs. You don’t get to come back until it’s all finished, so get out there now,” a gruff voice said, thick with disgust and scorn. With a small growl, N’virr sat up in his hammock, leaping on to the dirt floor of the slave cabin. He pulled on some simple, tattered pants and grabbed a rotten piece of fruit from a bin by the door. “Hey, I hear they let us have fire tonight, if we work good. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?” Gih-Mas, the Argonian in his barracks, asked. “Yes, fantastic. Our one for the month.” He let out a mournful sigh, characteristic of one who has lost everything. “Don’t let it sway your thoughts of them. They only do it to keep us from revolting.” “I don’t understand. They let us have fire. That good, right?” She asked, obviously non-comprehending of what he was saying. Once again, N’virr sighed, more out of frustration than anything else. He was about to reply harshly, but then softened. He still could not get used to the utter stupidity of his fellow slaves. “Yes, it’s good. Let’s work hard so we can enjoy it.” He left the cabin, and was grabbed roughly around the wrist by a well-armed Dunmer. The elf led him through a small courtyard, and placed a bag over his head; a precaution to keep the slaves from escaping by not allowing them to know where to go. He was led like this for several minutes. When they finally stopped, the bag was pulled from his head, and he was thrust toward a field of tall, green, segmented stalks. The area that was previously harvested was obvious, even though grass had already begun to grow in the unplowed land. A good sixth of the field still remained to be harvested, a task for twenty laborers given to a mere seven. N’virr doubted he and his fellow workers would have the luxury of a fire that night. He set himself upon the daunting task, grabbing a dull sickle from a rack of tools, and slung a bag across his shoulder. The work was tedious; swipe, grab, slip into sack. Swipe, grab, slip into sack. N’virr quickly fell into rhythm, the work passed much more quickly with an inactive mind. Before long, he felt a light tingling in his chest. He paused for a moment to feel his left torso, and the sensation faded. How odd, he thought. He shrugged, and returned to his work. Several minutes later, the feeling began again, and he once more touched it. However, this time it began spreading to his neck, and up into his head. As it reached the top of his head, he heard a low buzz in his ear. Suddenly, he began shaking, losing control of his muscles. He doubled over, vomited, and blacked out. He could smell salt upon the air. His eyes slowly opened, revealing the deck of a ship a-sail in calm waters, mist clogging the air. The light played upon the water that formed pools on the deck, casting eerie sparkles across the boat sides. Oddly, the whole scene appeared black and white. N’virr looked around, and saw little of any interest. The only thing different about the ship was the presence of an additional green lamp hanging from the bow, as opposed to the normal count of one. The sight was rather disappointing; there was little excitement to be found in staring at a lamp, as out of place as it may be. Looking around, he spotted a shadowy figure standing at the stern, outfitted only in a hooded robe. He approached the figure, who seemed to disregard his presence. “Excuse me, could you tell me where I am?”N’virr asked, thought he was confident he would not receive an answer. He was correct, for the figure turned straight around and advanced toward the steering wheel. He only received a brief glimpse of the figure, but he could tell it was a young Imperial male, no older than 20. N’virr walked over to the Imperial and studied his face. The Imperial obviously could not tell that an unfamiliar Khajiit was aboard his ship, and his eyes remained focused on the small amount of water visible through the fog. As N’virr began to walk towards the lamps on the ship’s bow to get another look, the boat began emitting a bright light. N’virr squinted his eyes at first, but then completely closed them as it seemed like he would go blind. Suddenly, he felt himself lying on several short stalks. Moments later an armored boot connected with his face, causing him to howl at the sky. He was yanked up by the shoulders and slapped across the face. “Sleeping on the job, eh? 30 lashes, and only water for your evening meal,” a gruff voice said in his ear. Another hand grabbed him, and before he knew it, he was being dragged across the field. Edited by vanir90210, Oct 28 2009, 11:52 PM.
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Spoiler: click to toggle  "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| redsrock | Oct 28 2009, 11:43 PM Post #2 |
Jefe el Heffalump
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Is this chapter one or what? I haven't read it yet, that's why I'm asking. |
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| vanir90210 | Oct 28 2009, 11:50 PM Post #3 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Yeah. Dammit, did I forget to put that? Crap... editing now... |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| redsrock | Oct 28 2009, 11:57 PM Post #4 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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Okay. Send me a PM tomorrow so I remember to read this. Please? |
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 28 2009, 11:58 PM Post #5 |
Level 21 Wizard
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Interesting. I like it. When he started having the strange feeling, I thought it would be the awakening of some magic ability, but this is much more intriguing. However, you have so far failed to have any sort of character development. That's not a bad thing if you're focusing on the story and not the characters, but if you plan on trying to twist the reader's emotions, you should work on it. So far, though, it's looking great.  Edit: Hey, it looks like I was the first one to read it. So, ahem, FIRST!!! 
Edited by ninja_lord666, Oct 29 2009, 12:02 AM.
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| vanir90210 | Oct 28 2009, 11:59 PM Post #6 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Aiight. I'll do it first thing. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 12:01 AM Post #7 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Oh. Thanks, ninja. Yeah, I'm really just setting up the story here, I'll get into developing him later. Besides, it's been a while since I've written anything in story form, so I'm not expecting this to be that great. I'm going to try, of course, but I won't be surprised if I fail miserably. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 12:06 AM Post #8 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Hey, it might not win an award, but I guarantee you it will not fail miserably. Unless...of course...you make N’virr a time traveling robot from the future who has forgotten his mission to find Treasure Island before it gets blown up and is having these visions to help reboot his memory. Actually...that would be pretty cool. 
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 12:15 AM Post #9 |
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Budding Lyricist
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You mean like Pelinal Whitestrake? |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 02:16 AM Post #10 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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Like what? 
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 06:35 AM Post #11 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Oh, the dude from Knights of the Nine who MK said was a space soldier with a lazer gun, or something to that effect. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| Lord Veneficus | Oct 29 2009, 08:05 AM Post #12 |
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
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When did he say that? |
 "I've felt these shifting hours Mistakenly used up So I gasp and hold my breath" | |
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 08:20 AM Post #13 |
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Budding Lyricist
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I don't know, maybe he didn't say that, but I thought the general consesus was that he did. Or maybe it was just a joke at how almost everyone believes everything he says. Whatever, off topic, back to the story. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| redsrock | Oct 29 2009, 11:13 AM Post #14 |
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Jefe el Heffalump
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When someone says something critical about your story, don't come up with lame excuses like this. I have a bad habit of doing the same thing. When you've failed at something you've simply failed at something. No harm in that. Nobody is perfect. You have a character-less character for chapter one. Big deal. Fix it for the next chapter. But don't say "I'll get into developing him later." That's lame, not to mention wrong. There's nothing wrong about setting the story AND developing your character. All of that said, I like the first chapter. It has a bit of mysterious creepiness to it. I assume it's a dream, right? Or a vision? Good writing, Vanir.
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 04:25 PM Post #15 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Well, I find it easier to do one at a time. I know, excuses excuses. Anyway, thanks for the read guys, and thanks for the help. I'm trying to decrease the time between posting installments, so i hope to have chapter two up within a week. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| ninja_lord666 | Oct 29 2009, 04:42 PM Post #16 |
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Level 21 Wizard
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It's not that hard. Just focus on character development then throw in plot points along the way. The plot will suffer a bit, but until you can perfect it, it's better than only doing one. See, Reds is doing a great job in his horror story. It's developing the characters (or just the main chick) while maintaining the plot. Reds, you are a good author; you don't give yourself enough credit. I can't wait for the next chapter, V.
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| Mad Commissar | Oct 29 2009, 06:24 PM Post #17 |
Slaughterfish
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Come on! Only one chapter with this story too. It was very good and I will enjoy reading the next chapters. 
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| Once you go black, you never get the chance to go back because you get HIV | |
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| vanir90210 | Oct 29 2009, 07:14 PM Post #18 |
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Budding Lyricist
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Thanks. The next chapter will be out within a couple days. |
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Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway"
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| Mad Commissar | Oct 29 2009, 07:46 PM Post #19 |
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Slaughterfish
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Yay! EDIT: YAY! 
Edited by Mad Commissar, Oct 29 2009, 07:46 PM.
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| Once you go black, you never get the chance to go back because you get HIV | |
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| Illydoor | Oct 30 2009, 05:45 AM Post #20 |
Slaughterfish
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I agree with the  here, and what everybody else said - work out a way to develop your characters and integrate it into the main storyline. Doesn't have to be some big hubbapalooza, some people get away with it by having the character seeing something they recognise from their childhood or past, which sparks a big 'memory' chain of events and blahdeblah. You gets the picture. 
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6:53 PM Nov 26
