A Broken Being's Lament

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A Broken Being's Lament
Topic Started: Nov 1 2009, 11:23 PM (35 Views)
vanir90210	Nov 1 2009, 11:23 PM Post #1
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,793 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	A dark and stormy night you huddled close to me Whispered fleeting condolences Fear, beheld, drew you closer We sailed in identical vessels Through the turbulent void We held each other close Not two, but one In all but body I burned where you held me These eternal marks hold fast So don't walk away from me Stay here tonight Never be alone, through parting clouds The firestorm rages surrounding our united spirits Splitting open the internal walls That seperate us from declining tides Of unforgiving observers I wish not for life Nor wealth, nor love All that I want is you and yet you cast me away beheld in contempt in your eyes So don't walk away from me Stay here tonight Never be alone, through parting clouds The firestorm rages surrounding our united spirits Splitting open the internal walls That seperate us from declining tides Of unforgiving observers I hate the feeling that you leave with me the burning coals, ashen vapors rising throughout the atmosphere WHY DID YOU GO? I CAN'T GET AWAY! MY SKIN IS CHURNING! THE SOUL'S UNENDING FLAMES! So don't walk away from me Stay here tonight Never be alone, through parting clouds The firestorm rages surrounding our united spirits Splitting open the internal walls That seperate us from declining tides Of unforgiving observers Don't turn away... Come back here now... A burned out shell... You left me... IN AFFLICTION! So don't walk away from me Stay here tonight Never be alone, through parting clouds The firestorm rages Eloquent, meaningless moments depart...
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


Nilloc James	Nov 1 2009, 11:34 PM Post #2
IT Posts: 1,942 Group: Member Member #471 Joined: November 10, 2008	I really liked the mood and I could "see" the imagery. Well done. Only thing I might question use the number of elipsiss in the third last paragraph, that said I might have done the same so it is really your choice.
	“To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.” I conquer TESFU Quote: "But I feel fine." Quote: "That's usually the first symptom." Mikey Valentine's forum


vanir90210	Nov 1 2009, 11:38 PM Post #3
Budding Lyricist Posts: 2,793 Group: Member Member #394 Joined: May 19, 2008	They show that it's soft and trails of at the end. Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. I think I'm really getting the hang of mixin' up the structure.
	Spoiler: click to toggle "I look at the eyes, straight to the soul doorway" Redsrock Dammit, Vanir...... I had an awesome daydream of me and Anne Hathaway on a private island. And then in the daydream you came in and murdered her, then asking for my hand in marriage.


Nilloc James	Nov 2 2009, 12:09 AM Post #4
IT Posts: 1,942 Group: Member Member #471 Joined: November 10, 2008	I didn't read it like a song, thats the problem. doh! I feel stupid, yes if it singals a fade off it makes perfect sense.
	“To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.” I conquer TESFU Quote: "But I feel fine." Quote: "That's usually the first symptom." Mikey Valentine's forum


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