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Cman710
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Jan 3 2016, 01:07 AM
Post #2561
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T'CHALLA OF WAKANDA
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Haha I hope that was a good damn. Lol I need to get to reading your entry too because Carrie>>>
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WRITERS UNLEASHED: SEASON 1 WINNER MEMBER OF THE YEAR & NICEST MEMBER OF THE YEAR
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Kevin R.
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Jan 3 2016, 01:18 AM
Post #2562
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It was a good "damn". Reminded me of the opening of the Buffy pilot.
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KEEP AMERICA GREAT
 

Writers Unleashed Season 1: Runner-Up
My blog: Kevin's Review Catalogue All reviews, A-Z Latest review: Assassin's Creed (2016)
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Cman710
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Jan 3 2016, 01:19 AM
Post #2563
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T'CHALLA OF WAKANDA
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Awesome. <3 But yeah, I'm glad everyone seemed to like it so far.
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WRITERS UNLEASHED: SEASON 1 WINNER MEMBER OF THE YEAR & NICEST MEMBER OF THE YEAR
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SnazzyShadeEmily
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Jan 3 2016, 01:28 AM
Post #2564
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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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Kenny's Comments:
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Matt - Meteorite "I was reminiscing just the other day/ While having coffee all alone and Lord, it took me away / Back to a first-glance feeling on New York time / Back when you fit in my poems like a perfect rhyme"
I was really expecting a love story so I’m glad you decided to avoid the expected. The best part of this entry was definitely the storyline, which was clearly well thought out & planned. The extra time you took on the entry definitely shows, even if some points the script could use some refining. Such as on Page 6 where Ain just casually says “Uh shit,” and then is rubbing his head. I feel like you accidentally forgot to mention she hit him, which was a bit confusing. Also the phrase is “taken aback” not “aback taken”. But overall it was pretty well written.
I thought the characters were pretty good, and the names were certainly unique. But Andromeda seemed a bit bipolar at times, considering she attacks Ain... and then hops on his motorcycle... then praises him for escaping... and then drags him for being caught... then says he kidnapped her. If it was played for laughs it was effective, but otherwise it was a bit extra. Ain wasn’t nearly as good as Andromeda, despite being decent. Although he was better before the time travel, afterwards it feels like he’s just there to push the story forward. With more emotion and depth added to the story he was telling I feel like he would’ve been my favorite. There definitely should’ve been more emotion tied to him & Andromeda’s relationship, considering he sought her out vs. just stealing the necklace. For the most part the dialogue was good, even if it was a bit of a step back from the previous entry. Some of the dialogue just felt a bit stiff (mostly Ain’s) and with a bit of tampering would’ve been far more effective. I noticed the dialogue before the “time travel” was much more natural, so I feel like it was because you were trying to explain a lot of the backstory you couldn’t fit into a 20 page entry.
There were some continuity errors here and there, but then again, that’s what happens when you mess with time travel. I couldn’t help but wonder how Andromeda would even be born if the meteorite never hit the earth? Since it’s implied she is born after the meteor hits, and lives (was born?) on the other planet. This could’ve been avoided had she just been a “kid” in the 2040s, and not famous yet. Even if the story itself feels a bit familiar, it was a very original take on the lyrics. This was a huge step in the right direction for you so keep up the good work!
Kevin R. - Carrie 2: Blood On The Dance Floor
"I didn’t mean to end his life / I know it wasn’t right / I can’t even sleep at night / Can’t get it off my mind / I need to get out of sight / before I end up behind bars."
When I first read the title I didn’t expect it to be such a literal “Carrie 2” in the sense that it did. But I’m glad it was. It was a really wild ride, and definitely your strongest entry yet. Not only was it well written but it was incredibly entertaining & fast paced to read. My favorite part was easily the destruction scene, but the build up to it was really good as well. I really loved how you portrayed “Carrie” in a new and unique way. I’m assuming she wasnt meant to be a continuation of any of the actual Carrie Movies, so it seemed like more of a disconnected sequel or something. I don’t think there were ever any rules against potential fanfiction entries, so I don’t see why it’d effect your score that it was technically that.
The dialogue wasn’t your strongest yet, (I still say your first two entries were strongest in that suit) but the dialogue was still pretty much perfect. I really loved the final line especially, (for obvious reasons) which not only was good on it’s own but a really great ending to the script.
You really used the lyrics in a unique and different way than I expected! I think the fact that she was telekinetic (ironically) really added to the entry’s originality in this way, because if she just casually went raging on everyone in the bar without the powers it just wouldn’t have been the same. Sure it wasn’t 100% original considering you used a “Carrie” with telekinetic powers but it was still unique enough that it didn’t feel like anything other than a homage to me. If only this was the actual Carrie 2, because it’s definitely far more deserving of being a follow up to the original.
Overall I thought the script was really effective, and probably my favorite of your entries so far. It really shows that you don’t necessarily need a super long entry to impress because this was far shorter than last week’s entry and it is still my favorite entry from you.
Cman710 - Daisy’s Party
"Young thing on the downtown scene / Rolling around at night / Got things that've yet to be seen / Like your rapper's delight / A little party never hurt no one, that's why it's alright"
I’m surprised you never listened to this song, because the first thing I noticed (while listening to the song & reading at the same time) is that it really fits the vibe & feel of the song perfectly. You probably captured the lyric selection the most effectively out of everyone’s entries I’ve read so far. And honestly the whole entry had a really great vibe to it, more so than any of your previous entries.
I really enjoyed the characters a lot in this! Sure I didn’t like either particularly as people for obvious reasons, but they clearly weren’t supposed to be. Regardless I found both really intriguing & interesting. I thought the way Gary thought he was deceiving Daisy when she was really the one deceiving him was pretty clever and helped make Daisy’s reveal more enjoyable, since it wasn’t really shocking or surprising. I also like that he wasn’t just a random guy she decided to kill. But overall both characters were really well written and felt fleshed out & natural.
The ending was really well executed, although I’m surprised you cut away & didn’t show the killing of the other men. That being said the ending was genuinely creepy and well done. I can actually picture this as one of those really creepy horror shorts I’ve seen online or maybe even in a good anthology. I was worried it’d be a bit too much like the tape in V/H/S but I think it’s unique enough that it doesn’t cross over into unoriginal. At least the way I pictured it.
Your dialogue was really well written and I can definitely sense you’ve been putting more work into it being unique & less cliche (though I never really had a big issue with your dialogue) and it’s showing. It’s getting better with every entry (with the exception of the last one but I realize that’s because you were somewhat rushed.
But overall this was a really great entry and a HUGE step up from your previous entry. I’m not sure if I prefer this one, or the second round’s entry because both were really great. But I think this might beat it by a hair. Great job!.
Zayday Williams - You Don’t Own Me
"It’s getting late / To give you up / I took a sip / From my devil's cup / Slowly It’s taking over me"
For starters, it’s impressive how much you’ve done with the lyrics considering how significantly shorter they are than the rest. Secondly, I’m really glad you didn’t take “devil” in a literal sense, since the way you took it was far more interesting!
This entry is actually interesting because it’s somewhat what I pictured “Murder Conspiracy - Romantic Comedy” to be even though this definitely wasn’t comedy. But the destructive relationship paired with murder & such is definitely what I imagined. I think it definitely fits this challenge far more though. And the way you pulled it off was actually genuinely surprising and shocking. The casual progression of it getting worse & worse was super effective in ways I didn’t really expect.
I really liked the voice over a lot, it was really well written & by far the most perfected dialogue of the entry. At first I was worried that for such a short script it would be TOO overbearing at times because it could potentially distract from the story. Not everything had to be told explicitly by a voice over. But thankfully it was never too much.
The ending actually caught me off guard considering how #casual the rest of the horrors in the script were. I actually think that ended up benefitting the final because otherwise it wouldn’t be nearly as “shocking” as it was. The ending overall was really great honestly, especially the part where Heather let’s go of Astrid. It reminds me of Michael Myers & Laurie strode in Halloween Ressurection only not cringe worthy.
Overall this entry has proven yet again how well you tend to take the challenges & put a unique spin on them. It honestly makes me wish you wrote a full script for it though, because I do feel like the shortness actually hurt it a bit this time, even if I did come to like both characters by the end. I just feel like with even more development it’d have lifted the entry even further than it already was.
shiley740 - A Different Kind Of Devil
"Seven devils all around me! / Seven devils in my house! / See they were there when I woke up this morning / I'll be dead before the day is done"
Listening to Seven Devils & reading this script made it so much more dramatic than I think it was meant to be cause omg, I screamed. (even if I don’t have it on my itunes )
I really love the descriptions in this! It really helped give a feel of the location and characters without feeling overboard like some descriptions tend to fall into. Much like Vince’s entry I’m glad you didn’t take such a literal take on “Devil” since it ended up being far more interesting take on the word. I really liked the metaphor behind it and you did it in a way with subtlety that it didn’t come off cheesy/messy either. So you definitely get props for originality both as a challenge and in general.
The dialogue was really well written even if there wasn’t that much of it. I wouldn’t say it’s a step up from last week’s dialogue only because there wasn’t as much to really judge you on, but what was present was really refined & natural sounding. I really wish there was more of it even though it didn’t seem entirely necessary. Just so I’d have more of a reference to compare to your previous entry. But if I had to pick I do think the dialogue in this entry was a step up from last week’s.
I thought the script was really effective for something so subtle, which is really hard to do. I really thought the descriptions of the characters & surroundings helped part of it’s effectiveness since it really gave the entry a unique vibe & feel to it. In fact your whole writing style is unique & amazing. Like tay it actually did take a bit more reading to realize what it was really about (though I’m assuming she meant the gun for herself and not her wife because if so I feel bad for completely misunderstanding it?????) But it’s more so my fault than the script’s tbh. I thought the ending was by far the most interesting & best part of the script. It was really chilling and mysterious in a way. Though again, I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for 
Overall I really loved this entry, though I probably prefer the previous one overall. Even though last week’s wasn’t nearly as refined as this one. But that’s really not saying much when I really enjoyed both a lot. So keep it up! 
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Cman710
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Jan 3 2016, 01:34 AM
Post #2565
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T'CHALLA OF WAKANDA
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Thanks for your comments Ken I'm really glad you enjoyed it. And yasss at this being well received all around.
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 GUARDIAN OF WAKANDA
  
  
WRITERS UNLEASHED: SEASON 1 WINNER MEMBER OF THE YEAR & NICEST MEMBER OF THE YEAR
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shiley740
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Jan 3 2016, 01:35 AM
Post #2566
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"This isn't over...this isn't over by a long shot!"
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OMG KEN THE ESSAY I DIED, I'm glad u enjoyed me trying 2 move outside the obvs route w/ "devil" even tho drama isn't something I've handled b4 & ya chilling/mysterious was what I was going 4 since I thought it'd pack much more of a punch than actually just killing Meredith. Will try 2 do better in the dialogue department since, ya, I thought holding back here would fit w/ the subtly more, but happy 2 hear the descriptions got u into what I was tryna convey. Gonna have 2 top that previous entry next time tho!
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SnazzyShadeEmily
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Jan 3 2016, 01:38 AM
Post #2567
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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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Results in a sec
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Matty
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Jan 3 2016, 01:38 AM
Post #2568
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If you're really doing this, I want to help.
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Wow ken I'm glad you sorta liked my entry Thanks for the feedback
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   I’ve been recruiting for the Rebellion for a long time.
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Zayday Williams
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Jan 3 2016, 01:39 AM
Post #2569
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I'm glad you enjoyed it, Ken! I'm really happy that you liked my interpretation of the lyrics, and yes OMG I realized halfway through the week how much of a bitch it is to have not much to go on! But yes, the script definitely needed a bit more room to breathe. Thank you!
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"Shh!"
 
 
 
WORKS-IN-PROGRESS: 20 Questions Scream Queens
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SnazzyShadeEmily
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Jan 3 2016, 01:40 AM
Post #2570
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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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Round 5 is gonna be fun
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