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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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- Feb 24, 2015
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Starting results off with a treat! Here are my comments!!
Alec's Comments
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Chris: Wow Chris I have to say I was worried your entry would underwhelm but I can safely say it didn't. The small bios we gave the characters were really so you could flourish them, and I feel you did as they each had a distinct personality (mostly, Nick and Richard sometimes veered into similar territory, but mostly.) The title made me think of Greg's episodic choose your fate script but I don't think this is the same kind of After Hours. I like how in the small amount of time we got so much story in, and it didn't feel too rushed, although the Nick & Teddy fight could've been drawn out a little more. My biggest complaint would definently be the dialogue which wasn't too forced or even bad, but it was so typical at times. The story truly didn't need groundbreaking or quotable lines, but for many of them I felt like I knew exactly what they'd say down to the comma. Aside from that, the overall ghost story theme has been done many times, but I do feel yours still worked even if it didn't feel entirely original or innovative. I really loved the costume you gave your assailant, it's very unforgettable and original. Also, the use of supernatural horror was on point. The tone was set from the moment it started with the ante rising through each passing page. I really felt the suspense, even if it stumbled a couple times. Overall, this was a great entry that fit the challenge very well. Good job!
NI-Gunner: It's refreshing for someome to not have done Walmart, since practically everyone did! I really liked the tone, it never went too comedic or dramatic, it was a really nice lighthearted mix of both. And I LOVE dramedies when they're done right! I think your use of the characters was very well done, and Linda was honestly hilarious. Sarah's characterization was pretty great too, all the story going on felt fresh and fun with her. I'd definently say you took a risk making an entry like this as if it hadn't been done right, it would've been very boring and fillery, but the way you wrote it made it very enjoyable and I'd honestly love to see more of them! Teddy didn't fit seamlessly in, which does make a lot of sense given he's not exactly the kind of person who fits into any mold, but I did like the way you wrote him even if it wasn't perfect. I actually gasped at Linda's death, I did not see that coming or see a purpose for it as it seemed like just a fun little script to open the competition on, but that was really the turning point. Having her death drive Sarah out of her safe life and into a risky world was pretty well done, even if I feel the end with Teddy came off a bit forced, as we hadn't seen them interact really prior to it. Use of outside characters was a tad point dock but not nearly enough to knock you down majorly, and I felt this fit the challenge relatively well. But overall, the dialogue was amazing, the plot was well done, even if it felt a bit patchy at times, and your genre use was on point! I can't wait to see more of what you have to offer in round 2!
Tye: I expected to be slayed and I definently was Tye. The topic you tackled was a lot more risky than you needed, but it paid off so well. The fact you took Mary Beth's small bio and added all of this is amazing because that bio rang 100% true here, eerily so. Sarah was also well done, even if she didn't get to shine (which she also didn't need to); same for Teddy. Also, the way you write descriptions is so seamless and injects a lot of life into your scripts. I really loved all the imagery you gave because I could see the store so vividly in my mind and it helped create a better story. Now of course It would be preferred had Zeb not been so prominent but you won't be docked much for that, especially because you did use him to make Mary Beth's story stronger. I think my favorite part about your writing is still the dialogue because it is SO natural and entertaining! Every line felt real and crisp, keeping me intrigued in the plot. I honestly got a tad emotional when Mary Beth's meds stopped shielding her, so major props on that! A great entry that mostly fit the challenge very well Tye.
John: I really appreciate the plot you attempted as it was much more daring than I would've expected. I feel where you stumbled was with Sarah's character, because while parts of her here rang true to the bio, she also didn't feel like the person we created for you guys. It wasn't even the fact she was a murderer, just most things about her felt a bit off. I think Richard was written the best of the three, as he felt the most true to himself, while Ted made sense here and wasn't distractingly off course, but not perfect either. The dialogue had its moments and was far from the worst dialogue I've seen, but it also felt a tad too aggresive. Excessive cussing isn't a problem but it came off just a bit forced here. Also, many of the lines had a lot of exposition, which made sense because we were just being introduced to them, but I feel like you could've left a few more things subtler. I'd say where you succeeded was definently setting a nice tone. The murderous cousins thing was pretty fun to read, and I honestly can't say I expected it to go in that direction when I first started reading. This also fit the challenge well, even if the characters weren't exactly true to the bios, as you utilized your location (although I wish you'd used it a bit more to its potential) and stayed with just the characters we gave you. Not an amazing entry, but it showed a lot of promise!
Kevin: Fuck me wow! That was legit SO entertaining and gripping! The slow build you gave those 15 pages really helped make that entire scene feel so natural and organic. I was wondering if he'd actually start shooting but figured you wouldn't o in that direction, but I'm glad you did. This use of Ted made a lot of sense to the bio we gave him and yet this was the most original use of him yet, and he's been in every one I've read so far. I also feel you did a good job of making Nick likeable while also not actually all that nice. He was definently the lesser of two evils there. And oh my god LINDA. She fucking destroyed me. And the grandma twist, I screamed! She had him on his knees begging for mercy and I was just dying. This being set around the holidays also helps elevate it, as lets be real, some people do go crazy right then, and if there was any time for Walmart to be packed, it was then. Your dialogue worked so well and felt very natural, even if it wasn't always perfect (the security guard screaming "I love my wife!" definently stumbled for me). I think this fit the challenge very well and my only complaint is that you kept mentioining a Richard, when you meant Ted or Nick. So maybe proofread it a LITTLE better next time to avoid that, but otherwise it was a great first round entry that used the Walmart location to its full purpose. Great job!
Matt: Well, I liked parts of it. The lighter tone could've been really nice, but the comedy often felt forced or too much. I also feel as if you didn't utilize your location nearly enough, they literally could've done all those things almost anywhere. It was very fun and playful, but nothing really beyond that. The whole whodunit? ended up feeling completely too tacked on, even though it was supposed to be ott, it just came literally out of nowhere and too quickly. Not to mention them all going psychotic was just too much as well. Intentional or not, the end felt a lot like Chris', kinda too much so. But I enjoyed some of the dialogue when it wasn't too much, and Mary Beth could be really funny tho she often ended up, like most of this, too much! This fit the challenge well for the character aspect, although I wish youd used the location a lot more prominently. Overall, it was a nice entry but far too rushed and would've been much better had you stretched it out a tad more, polished it, and worked on making them characters instead of caricatures. I know you're better than this!
Megan: Oh my God that was wild! I was living the entire 19 pages! Most people have done either Linda or Mary Beth but your use of both was very original and entertaining. Nick was also really well done, not being nicer than he should but also walking the fine line between likeably flawed than just a douche. The dialogue flew so well and all kept me hooked on these characters! I just love the way you took such a simple plot and expanded on it, without ever making it too much. This could have so easily felt pointless but you did a great job of giving this scene purpose, and I really like how you didn't feel the need to explain everything going on through dialogue, like Mary Beth's husband leaving her. It just all felt natural and was very entertaining to read, fitting the challenge very well! But wow here's hoping Nick's quitting that job cuz they have cameras I think! Can't wait to see more of you in round 2!
Jack: Well I can tell you tried, so I'm proud of you for that. But the actual script was quite lacking sadly. I'll state the most obvious flaw first, which was Mary Beth's bio clearly stating her as a stay at home mom, yet here she's working (and from the way she talks to Linda, been working for a long time), which even becomes the cause of her husband leaving. That was sloppy I think, and there were so many better ways to get her to the store without retconning the small bio we gave. Not to mention the fact Mary Beth seemed all too okay with her husband taking the kids, when they are her sole motivation in life. Most entries have done Walmart, and yours did not do much to rise above and beyond the norm set by the priors. Your dialogue had its moments, almost always in the form of Linda, but more often than not wasn't working for me. Mary Beth's relationship with Linda was stated, yet it felt forced and just wasn't there. I believe them as aquitances, but a mother figure seemed way too much. Another nitpick I have is the fact many things felt sloppy, like the lack of capitalized I's and shortening of though to tho. That's fine for chat talk, but you should try to keep your grammar and vocab correct for a script. As for the actual horror plot, it didn't do much for me either and was kinda out of nowhere. The killers lacked any form of motivation, personality, characterization; anything to make that make some sense. Instead it felt as if that's what you wanted to have happen, so you just did it. It lacked suspense but I do know you tried, so I hope you realize these aren't criticisms as much as critiques to help you get better for round 2 and beyond. It did fit the challenge, but didn't go anywhere above to make it special, staying comfortable as yet another mall shooting. Oh and can I just say, Mary and Ted going back into the store after escaping to kill the killers was just really out of character for both and completely lacked logic.
Vincent: Wow this was SO conflicting. On one hand, I absolutely adored the tone and dialogue, truly the parts you shined on, but on another... I was really just confused what was going on? It was an interesting premise if I grapsed it right. Seemed like some sort of Black Friday thing with shoppers going fucking wild, but it also didn't feel nearly polished enough (which made sense since you did have to rush cuz of all your unluckiness that day). The characters were funny, and I love the edge you gave Mary Beth, but it did feel somewhat more like a trailer - or maybe an intro to the movie before it calms down. Still, this had plenty of good moments, I just wish they could've helped create a real plot. This fit the challenge mostly, and was the most original use of Walmart for sure! So major props for that. I hope with round 2 you can really show us what you're made of, since even though this didn't blow me away, it certainly showed you can still submit a decent entry even when you have to rush. I fully expect this score to be a fluke compared to the rest of yours, as the actual dialogue/tone was really consistently well done. Ugh you don't deserve this.
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