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Matty
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Dec 12 2015, 07:44 PM
Post #731
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If you're really doing this, I want to help.
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Members Posting: SnazzyShadeEmily
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   I’ve been recruiting for the Rebellion for a long time.
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TheCheetahwings
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Dec 12 2015, 07:44 PM
Post #732
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I'm A Dead Bitch Baby!
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Im nervous for them
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 I wasn’t prepared for you. For wanting something.
  
  
When you walk into the room. You pull me close and we start to move And we're spinning with the stars above. And you lift me up in a wave of love Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth
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Matty
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Dec 12 2015, 07:45 PM
Post #733
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If you're really doing this, I want to help.
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We are the ones being graded dumbass. Just supply us w/ ur sugar cookies and free hugs!
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   I’ve been recruiting for the Rebellion for a long time.
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TheCheetahwings
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Dec 12 2015, 07:46 PM
Post #734
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I'm A Dead Bitch Baby!
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- Matty
- Dec 12 2015, 07:45 PM
We are the ones being graded dumbass. Just supply us w/ ur sugar cookies and free hugs! 
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 I wasn’t prepared for you. For wanting something.
  
  
When you walk into the room. You pull me close and we start to move And we're spinning with the stars above. And you lift me up in a wave of love Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth
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SnazzyShadeEmily
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Dec 12 2015, 07:47 PM
Post #735
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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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These are not in the same order
Kenny's Comments
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Chris - “After Hours” I found the premise original enough to keep my interest through all 17 pages. I liked how you solidified the myth behind “The Elf” (It gave me “Friday The 13th: Part II” teas) before starting to kill off the characters because it added much needed “depth” to a story that could’ve possibly come across as contrived and typical. I thought the way you used the location was surprisingly effective & genuinely creepy, but I did wonder why The Elf was used in Walmart rather than Santa’s Workshop. (Then again this round has tons of Walmart Christmas horror, for some reason). But I appreciate the fact that your use of the location was by far one of my most effective imo. I thought you wrote the characters you chose really well, and the fact that you used all of the male charries really made your script stand out, I won’t lie. For a 17 page script I thought you managed to develop a real “relationship” among the characters (meaning they didn’t just feel thrown together) well. I thought the dialogue for the most part was good. But the Amiibo/video game talk in the beginning felt a BIT forced and too specific for casual discussion. Also when Ted asks if Call Of Duty is the Star Wars game, it wasn’t clear if he was joking (and even as a Nintendo geek he OBVIOUSLY couldn’t be that dumb) so it came off awkward. Overall though the dialogue was great, the storyline was distinct and well thought out & the challenge was fulfilled adequately.
Ni-Gunner - Untitled First off, you get bonus points for featuring Taylor Swift in this! Just kidding
though I really did like the usage of the song tbh. As for whether this fit the challenge, I was worried in the beginning that Linda served a bit of what I expected Sarah to with her long winding speech directed at Sarah. But by the end of the script you more than made up for it with both Linda’s wild personality & Sarah’s long winding (and heartbreaking) speech at the end. It added a lot of depth to Sarah & Linda’s relationship as well as made me feel for characters in what was a short script. I thought Ted was well written too and actually a lot funnier than most of the Teds in this challenge. I liked the dialogue for the most part, specially the banter between Linda & Sarah. I do still feel like it could’ve been pushed a bit further to lift the story to a next level, such as having Linda die earlier on in the script & shown more of the aftermath, but you still served a really endearing & heart felt/touching story which really impressed me.
Sid the Super Bitch - Grandma Linda’s Adventures In Walmart First off, you definitely win the “best entry title” of the week. But that doesn’t always make for a great script. Fortunately though, this was really good. I thought it was surprisingly cute/lighthearted, and enjoyable to read through, especially with the characters you chose and the relationships you formed between them. It was unexpected. I really appriciated that you took the time to represent the relationships between the characters so they felt natural & not FORCED. I thought Linda was by far the most interesting character, which makes sense in a script centered around her... but Mary was good too. But I did feel like Nick was somewhat sidelined/overshadowed in the mix of things. I thought the dialogue was very well written for the most part, and was definitely one of the entry’s highlights. I wasn’t expecting this sort of entry for this challenge so it was definitely original in that sense, you took a similar location & the same charries and did something entirely different with them that I appreciated. But I did feel like more could've been done with it to lift it even further.
Matty - “Killer Pose” I like how you decided to go for what seemed like a dark comedy “skit” of sorts, rather than your typical horror comedy route. However, I feel like you could’ve used The Yoga Class location more effectively & uniquely because as is the location felt pretty irrelevant to the plot, minus the teacher’s disappearance. I felt like near the end you were over it & rushed a tad, because it just ends. But I did like Ms. YuYu coming back to life because it makes me think of a Comedy Skit. But how do you explain killing someone with a Yoga Mat? The characters were pretty funny and well written for the most part, your dialogue had moments of greatness (such as the banter between Sarah & Nick on pg. 9) but other times it felt like you were simply trying to fill up page which is where they fell flat. Your humor is better when it has more subtlety & is snappier rather than taking a funny line and having the character ramble about it for a while (this is like what I said about JLC ‘s Jim Carrey line in DH). It did fit the challenge and most of the time the characters didn’t feel too ooc. Although Mary Beth felt more like satire of her character than actually her character (which didn’t bother me personally) while Nick & Sarah felt like the exact character. I did like that you tried something different with the characters, but at times they felt like they were just there because they had to be. I couldn’t help but wonder why they were talking to eachother at all? I feel like the storyline should’ve been made apparent earlier on because prior to that it felt like the characters were just there to say funny things & nothing more. But overall it was a very enjoyable entry. I just wish you took more time to fine tune it. Which makes sense since you only worked on it on the last day.
MasterXPosed - A Very Bloody Christmas I thought that overall the entry was pretty decent, if not rough around the edges. I thought that at times the characters talked TOO MUCH to just fill the airspace when it didn’t make sense (like Linda asking if Mary called the police, or “Look, i deal with abuse from my husband 24/7 and Linda was the only person that truly cared about me. I’m not letting these bastards get away before the cops get here” which just felt way too long & drawn out if I’m honest). Otherwise the dialogue was mostly good. I feel like the Christmas aspect was somewhat forced since it just was there to be there... in fact Santa & The Reindeer as killer names kinda distracted from the killers a bit. I also feel like there was too much time prior to them finding the bodies in the dumpster which should’ve been used to build suspense. I did think that once it got going it improved a lot. I do feel like the ending was WAY to abrupt and random which makes it seem like you just ended it to end it.
Game Over Sluts - Zayday Williams This entry was hilarious. I loved the dramatic Monologue by Marybeth and her descriptions of the characters. I loved how you took their original descriptions and built on them rather than completely changing them to suit your script. I thought your entry’s tone was unique and enjoyable, and hilarious without trying too hard to be. It was really original and “out there” in the best way. The tone was fantastic and definitely was one of the more unique entries i read. The inclusion of Tara Reid was amazing too. I guess my main complaint was it seemed like a trailer/preview for something rather than a story. Not to mention the story itself seemed somewhat confusing and not clear. I wasn't sure what was happening a lot of the time, though I got the impression it was some sort of crazy-deal black friday sharknado thing (especially with the mention of Tara Reid & Sharknado) but I don't know. I just would’ve preferred if had more of a clear Storyline while keeping the tone of the script.
Today’s A New Day - TyeSays Probably the most unique thing about this entry is your use of descriptions and vocabulary. I love how creative you were in describing and wording things (the “curt nods” legit killed me) It made it very enjoyable to read! I loved how you wrote the characters. I’m not sure if this was meant to be horror or not (I’m guessing not), but as a drama it felt incredibly effective. With Mary dealing with the loss and going a bit crazy. I thought the twist was genuinely surprising and it felt well thought out... I look back & read certain parts and aspects that seemed funny are actually sad now (Like Mary Beth defending calling teenagers kids)... It was actually quite heartbreaking at the end. I thought the storyline was very unique (especially compared to the rest of the challenges) and stood out among entries in a location that was somewhat overused. The dialogue was well written and felt very natural. This entry definitely stands out a lot just for being different among the rest of the submissions.
TheFinalBoy - Thicker Than Water I’m gonna be honest. I’m SO happy to be reading an entry that doesn’t take place in Walmart or a Yoga Class. It’s such a breath of fresh air. As for the rest of the entry, it was pretty good. I feel like it should’ve been longer because at 10 pages it felt fairly rushed. It was one plot point after the next happening so quickly it was hard to adjust. I thought it had a lot of potential & great ideas, but you didn’t allow it much time to have any lasting effect. I thought most of the characters were written well, but I couldn’t help but wonder why Sarah wanted to murder for money considering she’s a doctor. I felt like there should be an off hand explanation for that. The dialogue was mostly solid but it did have some errors/typos here and there and at times felt a bit stiff/forced. I just wish there was more to it because with some more work put into it this could’ve ended up being way better. It did fit the challenge, I just feel like you could’ve done a lot more with what you had.
Kevin R - Untitled? As expected this was REALLY well written. But there was an error where Ted is referred to as Richard numerous times in the beginning, so I’m assuming you decided to switch his character after the fact or something. Thankfully it didn’t take away from the entry at all & It was probably my favorite entry of the week. I loved all the characters and dialogue, and the storyline was honestly amazing and unique among the other entries. Linda legit destroying Teddy with only her words was the best thing ever >>>. I also thought the twist of Teddy being Linda’s grandson was well done & unexpected. Really though there were no issues I had with this entry. Everything was top notch & amazingly written.
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shiley740
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Dec 12 2015, 07:49 PM
Post #736
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"This isn't over...this isn't over by a long shot!"
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OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.MEGAN'S.TITLE.DESTROYED.ME.
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SnazzyShadeEmily
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Dec 12 2015, 07:49 PM
Post #737
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They said I wasn't good enough for television. How do you like me now, voices in my head?
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- shiley740
- Dec 12 2015, 07:49 PM
OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.MEGAN'S.TITLE.DESTROYED.ME. I KNOW ITS SO FUNNY
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TheCheetahwings
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Dec 12 2015, 07:50 PM
Post #738
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I'm A Dead Bitch Baby!
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- Feb 24, 2015
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 I wasn’t prepared for you. For wanting something.
  
  
When you walk into the room. You pull me close and we start to move And we're spinning with the stars above. And you lift me up in a wave of love Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh heaven is a place on earth They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth
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Zayday Williams
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Dec 12 2015, 07:57 PM
Post #739
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When does the next challenge come out #EXCITEMENT #REDEMPTIONARC #FuckingPowerBetterNotBlowUpOnMeI'llJumpOffABridge
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"Shh!"
 
 
 
WORKS-IN-PROGRESS: 20 Questions Scream Queens
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shiley740
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Dec 12 2015, 07:59 PM
Post #740
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"This isn't over...this isn't over by a long shot!"
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- Zayday Williams
- Dec 12 2015, 07:57 PM
When does the next challenge come out #EXCITEMENT #REDEMPTIONARC #FuckingPowerBetterNotBlowUpOnMeI'llJumpOffABridge #GetThoseFuckingHashtagsLikeAPro
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