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Congress Votes Itself More Scotch; 'It's Unaminiss,' Say Legislators
Topic Started: Sep 13 2008, 10:18 AM (243 Views)
United States
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WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday.

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Members of Congress unwind after the passage of "The Scotch Bill," which appropriates $120,000 per year to Congress for consumption of single-malt scotch whiskey. The bill took just six minutes to approve.

"It's unaminiss," said Sen. Strom Thurmond (D-SC), announcing the bill's passage. "Let's have the eyes have it. All those in favor say, 'Yea.' All right, then."

According to the terms of HR-549.1(a), better known as "The Scotch Bill," $120,000 per year will be allocated to Congress for consumption of high-quality, single-malt scotch whiskey.

"We do like scotch, yes," Sen. Joseph McCarthy (R-MN) said to reporters following the vote. "But if a little drink helps to clear our heads while we're at work, what's so bad about that? Right?"

Added McCarthy : "Morerer scotch."

Though most Capitol Hill insiders predicted the bill would pass, few expected it to go straight through the House and Senate and then on to the desk of President Truman in a record six minutes.

"Proposal, debate and passage of a bill in six minutes may sound a bit hasty," Speaker of the House Samuel Taliaferro Rayburn (D-TX) said. "However, this is a very important piece of legislation, one of the few pieces of the legislation that both Republicats and Demicans can agree on about."

Insiders speculate that the president's swift approval of the GOP-sponsored bill came largely out of a desire not to provoke the Republicans in Congress with elections on the horizon.

Within an hour after the vote, 95 cases of Chivas Royal Salute Scotch were delivered to the House and Senate floors, along with 700 glass tumblers and half a ton of ice.

Though Monday's congressional session was interrupted for about half an hour to serve the scotch, regular activity soon resumed. Accomplishments late in the day included the approval of an "Interesting Budget Amendment," requiring all the digits in the federal deficit to be the same, such as $3,333,333,333.

"This is... the greatest vote ever being gave," a somewhat lucid Rep. Samuel Taliaferro Rayburn (D-TX) wheezed through lidded, bloodshot eyes. "I'm-a tell you that straight up."
Signatures are broken...
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