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| • Awakening Extract; Fantasy Novel Series • Critique & Constructive Criticism | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 13 2016, 07:49 PM (59 Views) | |
| Sy | Sep 13 2016, 07:49 PM Post #1 |
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🌙 Loveless Darkling
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AWAKENING EXTRACT Characters Introduced Zev (the Bastard Star) & Princess Amunet (the Desert Flower) Zev was raised by a man named Skelly. Skelly was not his father nor was he particularly fond of Zev. Skelly had been a very gifted blacksmith, aware of what most dubbed as Black Magic. After the death of Zev's mother, a woman Skelly had strong romantic feelings for, he went to live alongside the Red Sand People. Zev was never accepted by the tribe as an equal and is still seen as a bad omen to this day. However, they do acknowledge him as Skelly's son and a part of their community. Amunet was raised in wealth. Though she was not a daughter of the queen, her father favored her above all of his other children. Their large city was an oasis among the golden sand dunes and hot desert of the south lands. Amunet's beauty was widely talked about... much to the queen's annoyance. Amunet's mother had been a lovely concubine from the Southwest lands near the coast. She died giving birth to Amunet. Please offer any Critique or Constructive Criticism for the below extract from my fantasy novel series Awakening. ═══════════════ ► Please be respectful of others opinions. ► No flaming/bashing/trolling nor 'anti-type' hate. ► No stealing of literary concept(s) nor character(s). ► Warnings : Light Blood & Gore ═══════════════ “Stay on the saddle,” Zev ordered. Amunet opened her mouth to protest, but a firm grip from his hand on her wrist made her pause. The strangely painted men moved closer to them. They wore dark and brightly colored feathers in their hair, which was long and silky black. Their skin shone as the dusk shade of cedar bark. She didn’t like their eyes, however. Set deeply into their broad faces, they were the color of night smoke. “Who—“ His grip tightened. “Stay quiet.” She frowned angrily as he slid down from Nadja's saddle. The painted men raised their bows and one of them began to speak. His tone was gravelly and low. He walked proudly, if not arrogantly, toward Zev, spitting at the ground before Zev’s boots. His chest was bare except for a breastplate of thin bones. An ugly scar dragged across his face into his shaved scalp and a narrow line of hair stood toward the sky down the center of his head. He was terrifying and, for the first time since she’d left home, she felt fear again. That was when she saw something that puzzled her, a bizarre fur belt swung low over his middle. The fur was long and sticky with filth. It was a queer texture, one she’d never seen on an animal before. It looked more like small patches of horse hair. Then, to her horror, she realized that it wasn’t horse hair at all, but human hair, human hair and skin. He collected the scalps of humans. Her stomach turned, but she remained a statue. Zev responded to the man in the same weird dialect. The more Zev spoke, the more the scalp man glared at him. He didn’t respond to Zev for a long moment, causing the others to whisper amongst each other. Amunet squirmed uncomfortably, catching the scalp man’s attention. His gaze traveled up and down her figure, making her even more distressed. When his eyes met hers she saw the flat glint of ruthlessness and her heart thundered up into her throat. His lips twitched. Zev said something else before turning to the horse, his eyes flickering to Amunet and hers to his. He began rummaging through his saddle bag. The scalp man looked to his troop and then to Zev’s back. “He wants you.” Zev hissed just loud enough for her to hear. “Just stay on the saddle.” Amunet looked down at him, her hands clasped firmly to Nadja’s reigns. “Zev...?” Before Zev could reply, the scalp man brandished a bone knife and thrust it at his back. Zev whirled and caught his wrist, barely in time. The scalp man placed his other hand on the hilt of the blade and pressed down, forcing its tip close to Zev’s neck. Amunet stared in total shock as the rest of the troop began shouting in bird-like whoops. A foreign arm circled her waist and her paralysis broke. She screamed and kicked wildly. It was one of the painted men. He twisted her right arm behind her back, causing a sharp whip of pain down her spine and she bit her tongue. Nadja danced and bucked as the man hoisted Amunet atop his own horse. The others were closing in on Zev and the scalp man like a gathering of vultures to a dying animal. Amunet could see the sweat that now covered Zev's forehead. His arms shook and his back was bending further and further. Soon, Zev would lose his balance and fall back, or his arms would simply give out. Whichever came first, it didn't matter. This scalp man would kill him and Amunet would be alone. She trembled at the thought of what he might do to her, what they all might do. Their arrows never dropped. They remained pointed straight at Zev’s chest. The scalp man was now grinning humorlessly, his flat eyes ever empty. Amunet wriggled in her captor’s arms, but he was too strong. He smelled of bitter dirt and blood. The smell of a wild beast. Zev’s hold suddenly slipped and the blade skirted down to his collar bone leaving a small stream of red. It was only a flesh wound, but how much longer could he last? She looked around. And, what would it matter? These other painted men would shoot him with their arrows even if he survived. Blessed Heaven's Night .·☽ Sy
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| Vick | Oct 8 2016, 05:52 PM Post #2 |
Scribbler
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You have a good basic foundation, which is helped by the desert setting you set up since it isn't used too often. There's not much I can gather about the work besides that you are excellent at visualizing the action occurring in the text, making it clear what is happening which can be difficult for some writers. The way you built up the tension is fine too but not too gripping. I'd normally recommend being more expressive of your characters thoughts but that might take away from the clarity of the action. In that sense, maybe more details in the action surrounding the scene would be a better use of your skills to build tension. It may make your reader have to infer more but you seem pretty capable of directing important information and giving an understanding of the situation as a whole. I can't say much about the characters besides the fact that their titles/nicknames are a good choice and, should it be used often within the text by characters, would add to the world building very nicely. Besides that, they seem like the regular odd pair protagonists who are able to show part of their personalities in the extract, but nothing that instantly makes the reader attracted or interested in the characters. Of course, this is just a very short extract. Making it clear that their horse (If it is their horse) has a name is a good endearing touch for both Zev and Amunet and to Nadja itself at least. Besides that, the tribal group they meet at least seems distinct in a cultural sense and there doesn't seem to be any blatant grammar mistakes so that is a definite plus. I'd be interested in seeing you build this world further and to know what Zev and Amunet look like. Especially since I can't tell if this is some Arab desert civilization or more of a Western frontier. Or something completely different. I hope to see the rest of this work done. |
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12:32 AM Jul 11